How to Find Value in a Journey through Depression

Written by Dena J. Dyer

Legendary actress Sophia Loren once told Barbara Walters that she has a treasure she draws on to play certain scenes. That treasure is her memories of a past filled with hunger, poverty, war, several miscarriages, and abandonment. “Those things that leave scars, they make you who you are,” she explained.

 Like one in four women in America, depression has left scars on my soul. However, I can honestly say it has also become a gift. As God says, “I will give you the treasures of darkness and riches from secret places, so that you may know that I, the Lord, the God of Israel call you by your name” (Isaiah 45:3, Holman Christian Standard Bible).

Finding Gold in the Dark
This verse in Isaiah explains my own journey with depression, which began in 1996, after I experienced a miscarriage. I didn’t recover from the grief as quickly as I thought I should, and I couldn’t figure out why. In the months after my pregnancy loss, my husband, Carey, changed jobs, we moved, several friends relocated, and my writing career stalled out. When I started to experience panic attacks, I knew I needed help.

Because Carey and I were trying to conceive, I didn’t immediately go on medication. Instead, I went to a Christian counselor, who helped me work through childhood hurts and faulty thinking patterns.

Through this godly woman’s influence, I began to attend a “Search for Significance” group at my church, which helped me grow spiritually. God slowly tore down the walls I had built around myself and gave me transparent relationships with people in the congregation. Knowing myself better was the first gift God gave me through the trial of depression.

I used to be busy with lots of good things – church committees, choirs, drama teams, writing, youth trips, and community events – but I was always tired and often frustrated by the lack of time with my husband and child. Now that I’ve learned I don’t have to stay busy to feel worthwhile, I can say no to those things that don’t interest, excite, or challenge me.

Since I know my calling and my limits, and I know how much rest and quiet time I need, the activities or events in which I do participate seem much sweeter and more fulfilling because they aren’t scheduled on top of one another.

Becoming Rich in Love
Another of the riches I found in the secret place of depression was a more intimate relationship with my husband. Most times after my counseling sessions, I came out tear-streaked but peaceful; and when Carey asked me questions, I tried to be as honest as possible. The more we talked, the stronger our relationship became.

As I shared my intense pain, anger, and grief, Carey began to empathize with me, and he sought ways to comfort and not burden me. Last year, when his mom slipped into a moderate depression, Carey was able to encourage her and not judge her because of what we’d been through together.

Becoming Friends with God
I also found that depression brought me into a restored relationship with God. After finding peace and healing following my miscarriage, I experienced an unexpected bout of postpartum depression after the birth of my son Jordan.

This depression was much darker and scarier. At one point, I visualized myself plunging into the river I was driving over. After confiding in Carey, I made an appointment with a counselor and a physician. My doctor prescribed antidepressants, and in just a few days, I felt as if a huge black cloud were lifting.

God also blew away black clouds in my soul. In His gentle way, He showed me two myths I had continued to believe: that I needed to be perfect in order for Him to love me; and that because God had let my baby die, I couldn’t trust Him. After I faced each lie and replaced it with the truth of God’s Word, I began to experience a new level of peace in my relationship with the Lord.

The apostle Paul had a thorn in the flesh, which is what depression often feels like. Yet he said that he would gladly boast of his weaknesses, because Christ’s strength is made perfect in weakness (see 2 Corinthians 12:7-10). During the times when I feel especially weak, I hold on to such promises.

Recently, my family doctor discovered a thyroid problem that has contributed to my fatigue and semi-regular bouts of depression. I was encouraged to find a medical reason for some of my struggles, yet frustrated that the problem had not been diagnosed earlier. But as I prayed through my anger, I realized God had let me experience depression for many reasons, not the least of which was that I have empathy for other hurting people.

Dena J. Dyer is a freelance writer and musician from Granbury, Texas. She and her husband, Carey, have a son, Jordon.

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