Defusing Your Parenting

Written by Karol Ladd

This article is courtesy of Living with Teenagers.

“Why can’t I see the Night of Living Horror III tonight with my friends? Everyone else is going. It’s not that bad. Why am I the only one who can’t have fun?”

Power of a Positive Mom

As you feel your temperature rising, you try to fight back the inevitable scream, “I said ‘No,’ and I mean it!”

Been there? Maybe you haven’t experienced this exact scenario, but you’ve likely been through a similar conversation at least once or twice. It’s the common bond we have as parents of teenagers. They want their freedom and the right to make their own decisions, while we want pure and godly kids who accept healthy boundaries. Somewhere in the tension between these two viewpoints, an angry encounter typically erupts.

Parents face the challenge of keeping our composure while maintaining our standards and expectations. The delicate balance we must strike involves loving communication with our teens and proper boundaries to help them thrive as young adults. We don’t want the most miserable kids on the planet; but to experience life to the fullest, they have to walk in God’s ways.

Unfortunately, that message has no chance of reaching its target if we respond with anger, distrust, and hostility. If we can build healthier bridges of communication, our teens will understand that we love them and have their best interest in mind. Here are a few ideas to get us moving in the right direction.

• Recognize who they are: Teenagers deal with a variety of internal struggles during the vulnerable years between childhood and adulthood. They experience a range of emotions while their body shape and body chemistry seem to change every day. Honestly, they probably don’t get why they act the way they do.

Even though every person weathers adolescence differently, most develop strong feelings of self-doubt and inferiority. Those feelings are intensified because they also care about what their peers think about them. The perception of a world spinning out of control can lead to a surge of anger over seemingly trivial issues, such as a simple suggestion or request.

Teenagers also begin the process of pulling away from their parents. Part of them wants to explore independence, but they still need attachment. This confusion underscores the need for parents to show unconditional love. By responding in love rather than anger, you can see through their prickly attitudes and provide some security in their chaotic world.

• Reassure them of your love: Whether we are disciplining our kids or just communicating an expectation, it is paramount that they know we have their best interest in mind. While saying “I love you” is great, they need to see the proof of that love behind our words. If we react with screaming or hot-tempered remarks, they will not feel loved.

Gentle tones create effective conversations. When we gently share our concerns or explain the reasons behind the rules, teens (in their calmer moments) recognize that we care about them and aren’t bent on establishing some kind of cruel dictatorship.

Look for ways to praise your teens’ good qualities as often as possible and affirm them when they do right. They need those delicious morsels of encouragement, even if they act like they aren’t listening.

• Release your grip: When our teens question our ideas or authority, it’s tempting to hold more tightly to them and to our rules. But questions don’t always reflect rebellion, and kids need the freedom to step outside our box in certain situations.

Of course, there’s a big difference between trusting them and recklessly abandoning all rules. They can take new steps of responsibility within the context of accountability. For example, my daughters have thanked me many times for trusting them throughout their high school years. My trust made them rise to the occasion and want to live up to my expectations. If we expect nothing but the worst, that’s probably what we’ll get. Trust balanced with wisdom is essential.

As we teach our kids moral values and family rules, we must guide them toward making these values personal. Keeping them in a safe little box only keeps them dependant on us. We must be willing to pull back enough to give them the chance to walk on their own, while staying close enough to teach them through their mistakes.

• Respond with options: Instead of abruptly closing the door (like the R-rated horror movie mentioned earlier), try to identify alternatives. When we offer choices, our teens feel respected because we are listening to them. They see that we want to work with them even though we are standing firm on our decision. Our boundaries reassure them of our love and care, and offering options shows we value their needs.

If your teen comes with a request that falls outside your boundaries, don’t answer immediately. Ask for a few minutes to think about it. This gives you time to ask the Lord for wisdom and to think up some creative options. For instance, you might invite everyone to your house for pizza instead of going to the movie or simply try to figure out other movies or activities.

Remember to respond kindly and refrain from shock or guilt. Talk with your teen as a person who deserves respect, and he will begin working to live up to that respect. Defusing anger in our home begins with us. As we communicate love, encouragement, and respect, we set a tone of kindness. Our example helps our teens learn wise and healthy forms of communication.

Often a teenager’s inner world is full of confusion. Anger only adds to the chaos. It also contradicts biblical teachings about acting only out of love and patience. We can offer our teens comfort through wise boundaries, a caring heart, and a gentle response. Most importantly, as they recognize our genuine love, we can point them to a strong and loving God who is their faithful anchor through these tumultuous years.

Karol Ladd is a best-selling author, wife, and mom. She is the author of The Power of a Positive Mom. Karol and her husband, Curt, have two daughters, Grace and Joy, who are coauthors of The Power of a Positive Teen. For more on Karol’s ministry, visit her online at www.PositiveMom.com.