Family: You Gotta Love ‘Em

Written by Dan Ewald

Thanksgiving 1989. Aunt Bess rambled on and on about how the legal driving age should be raised to 21. Aunt Marion seconded the opinion, adding that they should up the voting age while they’re at it. It was the only thing they ever agreed on. My grandmother was hovering in one corner of the kitchen trying to avoid the “rays” of the microwave.

Grandpa agreed with his daughters and offered the idea that President Bush (Sr., then) could make a federal law prohibiting all teenage rights. Mom and Dad nodded in unison.

I excused myself from the table and locked the bathroom door behind me. At 16, I was tired of my generation being disrespected. The Bible verse about not looking “down upon children because of their youth” flashed through my irritated mind. I knew my relatives weren’t intentionally being malicious, but it left me feeling aggravated. I wanted to punch the mirror or put a hole in the wall like they did in the movies, but I was too practical – and honestly too gangly – to muster up the strength. Instead, I took the plastic comb out of my back pocket and threw it against the wall. It bounced, limply, off the wall and landed in the toilet bowl. A sad gesture of irritation that went completely nowhere.

My relatives had a way of getting under my skin despite being decent people overall. And so goes holiday after holiday, year after year. The adage, “You can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family” rings true. Dealing with the lovable patchwork of misfits is a challenge most of us face once or twice each year.  As Grandma ladles some warm fruit soup in your bowl and passive-aggressively criticizes the way you live your life, remind yourself, God is using my family to build character in my life.

So, look for the good in your relatives, and make the best of your time with them.  

The Cranky Uncle
Uncle Wyatt would rather be doing anything than spending time with the family. He sees family gatherings as a nuisance, excuses for a bunch of people who don’t know each other to meet somewhere they don’t want to be and get caught up on events they don’t care about.

“He’s already cranky because he feels he has to be here,” David Hodel says of his uncle. “As a family member you are partially responsible for his current undesirable translocation and as such, you deserve to squirm.” 

Still, Hodel sees an upside to attempting communication with such a moody relative. “There’s gold to be mined here,” he says. “If you can get him alone in a corner and get him talking about something he cares about, you can poke through that crusty exterior and find that at least part of the curmudgeonesque exterior is a facade. He feels, and feels deeply.” Hodel gets through the holidays by applying the “love the unlovable” approach – and in the process, he learns a few insightful things about the uncle with the crusty exterior.  

Try This: Nearly everyone knows a curmudgeon. Do your best to reach out to the unlovable within your family. Find out why your family member feels like an outsider and do what you can to make him or her feel part of the holiday, even if that means hiding in the corner and bonding together. 

The “Martha” Sister 
“She arrives a little early, ready to help out – not so much because she’s a giver, but because she has a Martha complex. And by Martha complex, I mean she thinks you’re a slacker who can barely find the place settings, let alone organize a phalanx of asymmetrically cut vegetables on an oblong plate,” Tim Boyd laughs. “She just believes everyone to be incompetent, so she does everything herself.”

Don’t allow a family member to handle all the busy work and thereby play the martyr. “The holidays are best when everyone pitches in. One person shouldn’t dominate the tasks. Try to open up with your ‘Martha’ sister, if you can pry her away from her regimented schedule for a couple of hours,” Boyd advises. Tell her you want to contribute to the workload. But the bottom line for Boyd is acceptance. If being direct doesn’t work, accept that you can’t change your sibling. “She is who she is,” he says. “You’re responsible for how you choose to deal with the impact she has on you.”
  
Try This: Don’t allow one person to carry the workload, even if they seem to enjoy it. Grab those folding chairs downstairs and bring them up to the table before your family member does it. 
 
The Gossiping Cousin 
Sarah Plains says you can smell it in the air like animals sense a storm brewing. “There’s my cousin, situating herself comfortably in the recliner across the room. You see the flash in her eye as if something mind-blowing is about to take place,” she chuckles. “Then it happens. The infamous word is said. I watch it form on her lips as if in slow motion. The word is apparently.”  Plains says her cousin uses the word apparently to transition into a hot piece of gossip. “The apparently to watch out for is the one that comes off as ‘concern’ or even, ickly, a prayer request. These are the tricky ones. They have a way of making you feel better about yourself and cause you to ‘tsk’ at another person’s failure.”

To avoid a holiday of inappropriate gossip, Plains advises turning the conversation horizontally. “It never hurts to ask questions. When my gossiping cousin starts a sentence with an apparently, I cut her off by asking a heartfelt question about her own life. It’s an easy way to steer the conversation back – as opposed to talking behind other’s backs,” she says.  

Try This: Refuse to allow idle, pointless chitchat to surface. If the conversation starts to shift toward tearing others down, point the subject inward. Jump in and say something like, “You know, lately I’ve been feeling as if I’m … ” Pointing the conversation to yourself – or the person you’re chatting with – forces you to avoid the rumor mill.

The Dark-Humored Aunt 
“My aunt is from Europe, and she loves to be a real diva sometimes and then say ‘Oh Carl, you just don’t understand because you’re American. Our culture is different,’” Carl Kozlowski says. “I’ve heard of cultural differences and generation gaps, but this seems to encompass everything from devastating verbal bull’s-eye dark humor about my plus-size weight or unleashing an embarrassing childhood story in the middle of a dinner where I’m introducing a girlfriend.”

When the chips are down, Kozlowski says he knows his aunt is on his side. He feels fortunate to have a family member living near him in Los Angeles, a city thousands of miles from his hometown of Little Rock, Ark. Their healthier relationship came from firm but loving communication.

“I had to tell her I wouldn’t put up with being disrespected any longer, and that there’s a common-sense line at which a comment ceases being a good-natured joke and can really hurt someone’s feelings,” he recalls. “When she realized there was a line that shouldn’t be crossed, she became a much better person to hang around. Now I look at her unusual traits as funny eccentricities, and I’ve learned to forgive and forget.”

Try This: Come out of your non-confrontational, passive-aggressive comfort zone. Don’t be afraid to be up-front with family members, and don’t allow their blood-relations to cloud your common sense. You wouldn’t allow your coworker to treat you that way. Don’t let your relatives treat you that way either.  

The Know-It-All Sibling  
Beth Louis admits that she used to be an annoying, know-it-all sibling. “I’m pretty sure I was the one with the answer to all of life’s ‘tough questions’ at the ripe old age of seven and three quarters,” Louis laughs. “I spoke passionately on subjects ranging from the mechanics of a dead bolt to the surprising joy one may find befriending an elderly neighbor. My speeches often led my siblings to tears.”

Louis saw herself as a teenage prophet. She took pleasure in dissecting the human soul. “You see, I was also a counselor. I was your classic goody-two-shoes,” she explains.

Eventually, life presented questions Louis couldn’t wrap her head around. “I lived in stunned silence for a good 10 years with a shocked look on my face,” she laughs, slightly exaggerating. “But it eventually wore off and I am now experiencing the freedom that comes from having almost no answers. My poor siblings see the new me and can’t seem to wipe that shocked look from their faces.”   

Try This: Use the end of the year to face self-evaluation. How do you come across to your friends and your family? Examine your own characteristics, moods, and habits. Are you a know-it-all, like Louis? Are you bossy? Inappropriately sarcastic? Too shy? Too passive-aggressive? The cranky one in the corner? Your relatives may find some of your personality ticks annoying too.

With the holidays impending, keep in mind that the members of your family are human. Extend the same grace to them you do with your friends or co-workers during the rest of the year. Being linked by blood doesn’t mean you should allow your blood to boil so quickly. Keeping that in mind will go a long way in making your holiday time with them merry. Well, merrier.

Dan Ewald prefers to spend his holidays with his nieces and nephew, who are too young to be critical or verbally irritating. As long as Uncle Dan logs 10 hours a day in the toy room, the holiday goes smoothly.

This article is courtesy of Christian Single.

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