Living with Aging Parents

Written by Dr. Polly Cooper Brown

This article is courtesy of Mature Living.

Question: My 93-year-old father-in-law alternates living for three months with each of his three children – my husband and his two sisters. When he lives with us, there is no peace in this house. My husband and his father cannot get along. The constant tension and bickering is hard on all of us. Why can’t my husband accept that his father is the way he is and live with it?

Answer: Caring for aging parents is a major concern for many people today. How to provide such care can be a serious dilemma. Often, there appears to be no good answer. Families, including the aging parent, must create as many alternatives as possible, carefully consider each of them, and adjust to the demands of the decisions that are made. Your husband is obviously having great difficulty adjusting to the decision that your father-in-law will live intermittently in your home.

Why does your husband act as he does? It’s possible that his response has its origin in his past relationship with his father. There are often unresolved issues between parents and their adult children. Such issues may be put aside for many years until a situation such as you describe brings them to the surface again. Would it be possible for you to discuss this thought with your husband? Choose a time when he is not involved in frustration or anger with his father and ask about these things. Encourage your husband to talk privately with you about his experiences and why he thinks he has recurring conflict with his father. The guidance of a counselor or skillful pastor might be helpful.

Would another living arrangement be less stressful for you and your husband? Is it possible for your father-in-law to live in his own home or apartment with his children alternately caring for him there? While it would be inconvenient, this arrangement might seem less intrusive than having your father-in-law living in your home. It might reduce the tension.
 
Would your father-in-law participate in activities outside your home, such as those at senior citizen centers? Could he attend a men’s Bible study group at your church? Caregiving often narrows the world of both the one who provides the care and the one who is cared for. It is important to make every effort for both parties to be as active as possible outside the family setting.

What you are doing now is not producing positive results. Try new alternatives. Ultimately, you may have to accept that this is the way the relationship between your husband and his father is going to be. Although it influences the quality of your life, it does not have to control your life. That’s your choice.

Dr. Polly Cooper Brown is a retired psychologist now residing in Hot Springs Village, Ark.

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