Coping with Gossip in Assisted Living Community

Written by Dr. Polly Cooper Brown

This article is courtesy of Mature Living.

Question: I recently moved into an assisted living community where I am one of the few single men among the 75 to 100 people who live here. I have tried hard to adjust to these new living circumstances and make the best of it. The thing that bothers me the most is the gossip. Why do people act like that? Why can’t people just mind their own business and let everybody enjoy each other?

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Answer: Changes in our society and vastly improved health care have created a whole new world for many of us during the last years of our lives. People are living longer and are healthier in their senior years. In addition, society has changed in such a way that our golden years are not necessarily spent in the care of our families. Octogenarians, married or single, may live independently or, as in your case, semi-independently. This creates many opportunities for new ways of relating to other people. Obviously, not everyone will agree on how to create those relationships or about their appropriateness.

The opportunity for gossip is inherent in these new situations. People are often critical of things they do not completely understand. Since there is not a clear history of older independent adults living as a group, behaviors are likely to be misunderstood and subject to criticism.

Gossip also grows out of jealousy or envy. Could it be that those most involved are compensating for something they lack but long for? When resources are limited (as is the case with single men in your community), jealousy can easily take root.

Lack of understanding, jealousy, and envy are some of the roots of gossip. Is it right to gossip? No. The Bible warns against gossip and condemns such behavior, particularly among God’s people. But the reality is that you are dealing with it and “preaching” to the offenders probably will not be helpful. So what should you do?

First, make sure that you do not participate in gossip. Perhaps you would not initiate it, but when you listen to another person who is gossiping, you are passively participating. If you discover that a conversation is taking that turn, you might say that you would rather not talk about it and, if necessary, leave the conversation. Gossip is an easy snare, and it is wise to avoid it completely.

On the other hand, try not to separate yourself entirely from these people. Avoid being arrogant or cold. Try to understand their needs and respond to them. It may be that by befriending such a person you will at some point earn the right to say something to them about their gossiping.

Perhaps most important, don’t let someone else’s behavior control the joy and pleasure you can find in living in this kind of setting. Happiness is your choice.

Dr. Polly Cooper Brown is a retired psychologist now residing in Hot Springs Village, Ark.