One-on-One Time

Written by Ken Canfield

This article is courtesy of ParentLife.

I have learned a lot about men since I started working with dads more than 15 years ago. One common trait among dads is their task orientation. Men see a need and set their minds to meet it. Men want to accomplish something and check it off their list.

Enjoy this article? Subscribe to ParentLife

One humorous way dads often express this task orientation is in a “herd” mentality. If we are doing an activity with one child, why not include all three? The intentions are great, but many dads need to be reminded about how important it is to build a strong relationship with each of their children. Each one is unique, with different interests, gifts, and dreams.

As a dad, you already know that. You can see how each of your children’s temperaments and personalities is different. But do your efforts as a dad reflect that? Are you scheduling one-on-one activities with each of your children — in addition to family outings? Are you pursuing a better understanding of each child’s individuality? Do you talk with your wife about each child and his strengths and weaknesses? Have you taken time to listen to each child’s concerns about his place in the family, his goals, dreams, frustrations, and needs? Have you ever taken an afternoon off work and done something he wanted to do?

Consider the following suggestions as you seek to do this:
Engage each of your children in his area of interest. This means not your interests or those of your other children. Show genuine interest and really listen to your child’s concerns. Let him be the expert while you ask thoughtful questions. This is a great way to build your own unique relationship and make your child feel special for who he is.

Give your child your full attention for as long as you are together. Avoid talking on your cell phone or reading the newspaper. This is not just another activity for you to check off your list; it is a time for you to connect with your child. Demonstrate how important he is to you.

Relax! Some dads get into the habit of launching into lectures or taking a judgmental tone of voice. It is important to just enjoy each other and avoid conversation killers such as dogmatic statements, put-downs, or unfair generalizations. Enjoy conversing with your child.

Think of a topic beforehand that you can discuss together. You might discuss a lesson you learned when you were his age, a Bible verse you read recently, or a new challenge in your life. Ask your child’s opinion and listen carefully to his response. Times like this can build better conversation habits. So when your child is 17, you will already have built a good relationship with him that includes good communication.

Dad, I hope you will take this to heart. Your children appreciate family time, and it is critical that you help create a sense of unity in your family as a group. But like the shepherd in Jesus’ parable of the lost sheep, you need to demonstrate that each child is precious to you. Your children’s eyes will light up when you show them how special they are individually!

Dr. Ken R. Canfield is founder and president of the National Center for Fathering. He has written several books, including The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers. He and his wife, Dee, have five children. Visit his Web site at www.fathers.com.