Slay the Dragon

Written by Rodney & Selma Wilson

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

Early in our marriage, Selma and I discovered we had a dragon living with us. He was a nasty, fire-breathing beast, bent on keeping us far away from each other — and certainly a great distance from an extraordinary marriage. The beast was the dragon of unresolved conflict.

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Back then, Selma and I were stuffers — and absolutely clueless about how to handle even the smallest conflict. Whenever we had a disagreement, I would emotionally withdraw from Selma, and she would physically retreat from me, which was no small feat in our tiny two-room apartment!

Even when the smoke of a disagreement would clear, and we would move back together physically, there was always a little more distance in our relationship because we never dealt with the conflict. Our dragon was going the distance to ensure that Selma and I kept our distance from each other.

As Selma and I learned the hard way, the dragon of unresolved conflict can separate a husband and wife and singe the very fabric of a marriage. We are thankful God sent two dragon-slayers to teach us the danger of this very real enemy of our relationship. They taught us how to deal with the dragon of unresolved conflicts so we could clear the air, give and receive forgiveness, cultivate a deeper level of intimacy, and embrace the potential of our marriage.

Is There a Dragon in Your Home?
The dragon of unresolved conflict may live in your home, too. When not dealt with properly, it can leave your marriage in ashes. J.R.R.Tolkien had it right when he cautioned, “It does not do to leave a dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.”

You and your spouse must be battle ready. Determine, individually and together, that nothing is going to keep you from experiencing what God planned for your marriage. Don’t allow unresolved conflict to keep you apart spiritually, physically, or emotionally. As 1 Timothy 6:12 exhorts: “Fight the good fight for the faith; take hold of eternal life, to which you were called and have made a good confession before many witnesses.” (HCSB).

Hands-on Dragon Slaying
With Ephesians 4:26-27 as a guiding light, follow these steps for resolving conflict:

1. Get the anger out of the conflict before processing it. Cool down before you talk, but commit to talk as soon as possible — always within 24 hours.
2. Stick to the issue and stay on the subject.
3. See yourself as a team. Always remember who the real enemy is; it’s not you or your mate! Attack the problem, not the person.
4. Affirm your spouse and your marriage during discussions.
5. Be responsible for your own anger. No one has made you angry; you chose to deal with the problem with anger.
6. Take the lead in resolving the issue. Your spouse may be clueless there’s a problem.
7. Find a peacemaker if necessary.
8. Use “I” statements when telling your spouse you’re angry. “I got angry when you made fun of me.” Or, “I felt unimportant when you were late and didn’t call.”
9. Remember, anger is not a sin, but it is often a secondary emotion triggered by jealousy, insecurity, fear, fatigue, or other feelings. Accept that feelings aren’t right or wrong; they just are.
10. Forgive, forgive, and forgive. “I forgive you” may be the most underutilized words in the English language.

As long as you and your spouse are living in this world, you are going to battle dragons. Use Galatians 5:22-23 as your sword to chase dragons from your home. Be proactive and intentional! Don’t allow anything to come between you and your relationship with your spouse. That way, you can draw extraordinarily close to your spouse.

Rodney and Selma Wilson are authors and speakers on marriage and family. Rodney is Marriage and Family Minister at First Baptist Church in Smyrna, Tenn., where he and Selma live with their beagle, Pebbles. They have two daughters and one son (in-law).