Dealing With Difficult People

Written by Tony Rankin

On the morning of September 11, 2001, I was leading two seminars on “Dealing with Difficult People” for the Middle Tennessee Association of Business Administrators and Business Assistants at First Presbyterian Church, Nashville. I had just left a breakfast meeting when a young minister to students asked at 7:55 am CST, “What advice would you give a young youth minister whose wife is expecting a child in a couple of months?”  My response was “That’s a lengthy answer that I can’t answer in full

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Most often the difficult people you encounter are not terrorists—they are just ordinary persons that are unhappy, selfish, miserable, and defensive. They could be your neighbors, relatives, colleagues, fellow pew-sitters at the church, children, friends, and even a spouse if you are married. The demanding individual may be a sales clerk, someone in the car behind you, a parent on your son’s soccer team, or the bully down the street. It might be an energetic preschooler, obnoxious middle-schooler, demanding adolescent, entitled college-aged child, or a cranky adult. They may be situationally challenging, behaviorally demanding, emotionally trying, or constantly nagging. You may love them or strongly dislike them.

Difficult people…

• Are people who have obvious problems and who won’t listen to the encouragement of well-meaning friends or the advice of professionals or medical personnel.
• Are people who are obnoxious and rude.
• Are never wrong. In fact they tend to blame everybody else for everything and anything.
• Are robbers of your time and energy. They exist and live “rent free” in your brain.
• Are predictable and abrasive but, much like well-known household cleaners, they tend to leave a gritty residue on most surfaces.
• Are certain to make sure nobody is happy if they can’t be happy.

Difficult people tend to be arrogant, crafty, manipulative, and out of control with bothersome behavior. They are everywhere you turn. When you put a group of people together, a difficult person usually emerges when some level of conflict occurs.

The sign of a mature individual, family, marriage, office staff, or business is the willingness and ability to resolve conflict in spite of how difficult one person makes the situation or relationship. Here are some suggestions that will assist you through difficult times with impossible persons.

• Say, “There is a possibility that what the other person just said may be true.” Pause for a moment and consider the possibility that what they are saying is fact. This will help you address the truth in what a person you are struggling with or having a hard time getting along with has said. Don’t jump to the extreme of “they are always right and I must be the fool” or “that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard anybody say because I know what is the truth.” If any part of what they said is true, deal with the facts. So what do you do with the spoken words that are false? Learn to let go what the person said and walk away from the untruth. Do not dwell on untruths. Exercise more joy and gentleness with others as well as your own self when you encounter complicated people.

• Remember you are not responsible for their happiness. Today’s Christian community spends too much time giving to get something in return. Our responsibility is to love others and encourage harmony but our job is one directional. Love and peace are to be expressed and given but are not fruit of the Spirit that you can make somebody experience. Some problematic people will always be miserable.

• Set boundaries to protect yourself and to limit the kinds of things you say and do with the difficult  person. Use the traits of kindness and self-control to express limits with persons who are disconnected. Remember, defined expectations and restrictions for allowed behaviors do not have to be ruthless or harsh. Boundaries should be set out of compassion for others and consideration of personal well being.   

• Remain true to your beliefs and values. When you address individuals or groups that differ from your viewpoints or your way of life, be faithful to your values. Compassionate confrontation can go a long way with difficult people when they know you care, especially when you express why your values are important to you and why you believe the way you do.

• Remember, everything you say or do may be remembered forever. Being the recipient of patience and goodness is of great value to someone who lacks the ability or desire to express tolerance and integrity. Use the teachable moment to be an example of how a person should react in difficult situations. The
  characteristics of patience and goodness are valuable for others to experience, especially if they lack the ability or desire to express tolerance and integrity. 

Be aware that difficult people are looming everywhere and generally unintentionally cause the persons around them to be unhappy. Protect yourself from their impact and make sure you find a way to enjoy those that you love today, before the difficult person attacks your joy and contentment. True love means liking difficult people, responding with compassion and not hatred, refusing to lower your standards with rudeness and verbal ugliness, and learning how to cope with all kinds of difficult situations by using joy and gentleness, love and peace, kindness and self-control, compassion, faithfulness, patience, and goodness.

Tony Rankin is a member of First Baptist Church in Nashville, Tennessee and is a Family Ministries specialist/therapist for the Tennessee Baptist Convention.