Honesty Is the Best Policy

Written by Gary Sprague

He left shortly after she got pregnant. She was relieved she no longer had to endure the emotional abuse, the lies, and the outbursts of anger. She never told him she was carrying his child. But their son, Michael, was now 6 years old and asked the same questions almost nightly: “Do I have a daddy? What does he look like? Where does he live? Why did he leave? Does my daddy love me?” She followed the well-meaning advice of a co-worker and fabricated a story about Michael’s father being in jail.

Life Interrupted: The Scoop on Being a Young Mom

But as time went on, she became riddled with guilt and had an unsettled feeling that maybe she should tell Michael the real story. When she sought counsel from me, I told her as directly as I could: “Tell Michael the truth! Give it to him straight. He has a right to know the truth about his father.”
 
As difficult as it may be to come clean with your kids, it’s critical that children of single-parent homes know why their family is the way it is.
 
If it’s because of a divorce, tell them the real reasons for the divorce in a way they can understand. Children often think a divorce is their fault because no one has told them the real reasons. It’s essential you give children an age-appropriate answer to why the marriage broke up. Reasons like, “Mommy and Daddy stopped loving each other” or “We just couldn’t get along anymore” might be true, but in the long run, these ideas leave your kids with unanswered questions. Appropriately tell your kids the real reasons, even if they include adultery, abandonment, abuse, or addiction.
 
If it’s because of a separation, explain what happened and reassure them that they’ll still be loved and cared for even though the marriage is in question. If death took a parent from your family, kids need to know how their parent died. If they’re in a single-parent home because of an unwed pregnancy, explain the situation and circumstances surrounding the pregnancy. Maybe their mother or father didn’t want to be a parent, but it had nothing to do with anything they did, including being born.

How to Handle the Truth

• Pray. Pray. Pray. Intentionally ask God to help you communicate the truth in an appropriate way. Ask God to give you the wisdom and discernment needed to properly communicate the right information at the right time. Ask God to prepare the hearts of your children to receive the information in a way that’s least damaging to their spirits.
• Ask an expert. Seek the guidance of a qualified counselor who can properly evaluate your particular situation. Counseling may be beneficial to both you and your children. Be open to it.
• Tell them first. Every family has an “Aunt Susie” who tells all. If she shares important information with your kids before you do, there will be fallout in the areas of trust and respect.
• Give age-appropriate answers. How do you talk to your 4-year-old about adultery? Words like “affair” or “adultery” mean little to a young child. Instead say something like, “Mommy (or Daddy) was pretending to be married to someone else.” Those words are easier for them to understand.
• Choose the right time. Let your kids ask the questions. Perhaps they’re afraid to ask questions because you’ve gotten angry or cried when they’ve tried previously. Make an appointment to discuss the serious questions they ask if the present time isn’t appropriate –– and keep the appointment.
• Be understanding and insightful. Sometimes kids won’t ask or say what they really mean. “I want to go live with Dad!” might mean they’re upset at being disciplined and they don’t feel like they’ve been allowed to spend enough time with the other parent. “I hate you!” doesn’t necessarily mean that. It might be a good time to sit down, put your arm around your child, and say, “You really miss your dad, don’t you? Tell me about how you feel.”
• Handle the tough stuff well. Talking about your former spouse’s behavior with the kids is a delicate matter. How you explain what happened between the two of you needs to be done non-offensively. You’ll have other opportunities for your raw emotions to come out as an adult, but don’t do this in front of your kids.

Focus on the spouse’s behavior, not the emotions you feel because of it. The best way to talk about the changes that have happened in the family (or are about to happen) is to have both parents sit down with the kids and tell them together. If this isn’t an option, give the former spouse opportunities to explain the situation before you do it for him or her.
 
Remember that full disclosure is an ongoing discussion. Your kids may ask the same questions over and over, and you need to reveal more information as time goes on and as they mature. In time, the truth will win out.

This article Is courtesy of Christian Single.