Mind Your Manners

Written by Weslea Bell

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

The sound of a stranger’s praise for your child’s good manners is music to a parent’s ears. True, such music comes from hours of practicing, correcting, and rehearsing good behavior with your child, but the work and even the frustrations pay off. Tuning a personality to respect others is a lifelong, rewarding endeavor, and as the parent, you’re the chosen instructor.

Your work, though a privilege, is a challenge. So to help you train your child in the way he or she should go, here are a few experts’ tips for teaching respectful behavior.

Show a little respect
“Next to loving your kids, instilling respect is the most important task you have as a parent,” explains Donna Jones, author of Taming Your Family Zoo: Six Weeks to Raising a Well-Mannered Child. Real love is others-centered, which naturally leads to respect.

“In fact,” she points out, “real love cannot exist apart from respect.”

Respect is the foundation of Jesus’ command to “do to others as you would have them do to you,” Jones adds. Respect leads children out of the it’s-all-about-me mentality. And respectful behavior will flow naturally from a lifestyle that’s centered on loving others.

Remember saying, “When I have kids, I’ll never let them talk to me like that?” It seemed like such an easy concept before you actually had children. According to Jones, however, loving our kids, means that requiring them to treat us with respect isn’t optional.

“We do our children no favors when we allow them to use disrespectful words, actions, or tone of voice,” she says. That’s because a child’s foundation of respect for others is established first in a two-way parent-child relationship. And from there, children learn what it means to show respect for others.

Model Behavior
According to June Hines Moore, author of You Can Raise a Well-Mannered Child, if you want children to respectfully mind their manners, “you model the behavior.”

When you leave the table, sneeze, cough, or accidentally belch or bump into someone, say “excuse me.” Your children will absorb your positive behavior into their own. Also, coach children to say “please” any time they make a request, followed by “thank you” when they receive a reply. A simple “What do you say?” works well as a reminder, and repetition will work wonders as the words begin to come automatically.

Also, be a good example by watching what you say. Disrespectfully badmouthing others in front of your children not only encourages them to do the same, but also loads them with gossip gunpowder that could accidentally go off regardless of your instructions (as in, “Mommy says that’s not your real nose”).

Establish House Rules
Studies show that children who come from solid, loving homes thrive in most areas of life, and part of that loving solidity comes from parents’ setting rules and boundaries to maintain respect.

Jones offers a few tips for cultivating a loving and supportive environment — an essential foundation for teaching considerate behavior.
• Have a family meal together once a day to strengthen interaction.
• Require siblings to ask before using another’s personal items and to knock before entering another family member’s bedroom.
• Have children replace, repair, or pay for any item they damage that belongs to a family member.
• Have your children clean up their own messes and take on household chores, such as keeping their rooms clean and their beds made.

Go Public
It’s important to teach children to interact with adults in a respectful manner, according to Jones. Children who respond inappropriately to attention from adults — by avoiding eye contact and verbal communication or by outright rude behavior — are displaying disrespectful behavior. “The best course of action is to practice at home, especially immediately before your child will be in a situation where he is likely to meet others,” she says.

Shy children may be intimidated in conversations, so equip them with a few reliable responses to typical questions. Help children rehearse saying their name, age, grade, or favorite activity (if not in school) while looking the listener in the eye. Also have them practice clearly saying “thank you” in response to compliments.

Jones adds that adults should always be addressed as Mr., Mrs., or Ms., followed by either their first or last name, depending on the type of relationship the adult has to your family (the school principal won’t appreciate being called “Mr. Joe,” but a longtime family friend may like it better). Though equally valuable, children aren’t on a peer level with adults; help children understand their relationship to maintain appropriate respect.

Discourage children from causing excessive noise, running, yelling, or fidgeting in places where people are trying to listen, such as church, movie theaters, or in restaurants. On the flip side, let kids be kids and get their energy out on the playground, in the back yard, or in the play room.

Encourage kids to keep personal grooming private — combing hair, putting on makeup, biting nails, or cleaning out one’s nose never needs an audience. Squelch other public faux pas by drilling them in: covering mouths when coughing or sneezing, waiting their turn, staying seated when traveling, chewing gum quietly, and saying “please” and “thank you” to adults who are helping them. When you see children put these manners into practice, use positive reinforcement by commenting on good behavior.

Pay Attention to Details
Train children to respect adult conversations, showing them the importance of waiting their turn to talk. If your child wants your attention while you’re in a conversation, teach him or her to place a hand on your forearm (not hanging or yanking) to signal a desire to say something; then touch your child’s hand to acknowledge the request. Wait until either you or the other adult has finished speaking, then turn to your child to hear the request. This method allows you and those around you to enjoy adult interaction and teaches your child patience and respect.

Do instruct children to check their motives before reaching for your arm. It’s not OK to interrupt an adult conversation so they can be the center of your attention. It is OK to request your permission for an activity or to make you aware of something important. Be clear, be consistent, and be complimentary when your child displays respectful behavior.

When it comes to training children to think about how their behavior affects other people, you’re not only preparing them to be respectful members of society,  you’re also giving them confidence in knowing that their behaviors are acceptable and esteemed — a head start in the world of healthy relationships.

Weslea Bell is a freelance writer living in Lebanon, Tenn., with her husband, Martin, and their (more or less) well-mannered preschoolers, Chapel and Addison.

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