Dr. Mom: Guiding Your Child’s Behavior

Written by Marianne Neifert, M.D.

In Dr. Mom’s August 2006 ParentLife column on discipline and behavior issues, she discusses issues related to consequences and guiding your child’s behavior. Below Dr. Mom discusses one additional topic, that of using scolding and reprimands effectively.

Enjoy this article? Subscribe to ParentLife

Scoldings and Reprimands
A commonly used consequence for misbehavior is a scolding, or verbal admonition. Often, a properly administered verbal scolding is all that is needed to convey your disappointment in your child’s behavior, allow her to feel regret about her actions, and help her resolve to make better choices in the future. However, there is a big difference between an effective scolding and a protracted tirade that erodes a child’s self-esteem. Do not deliver an inappropriately long scolding or link your child’s character with her misbehavior by making disparaging comments such as, “There you go again!” “What’s wrong with you?” “I’m so disappointed in you.” Do not shame your child or inflict excessive guilt with destructive remarks such as, “Shame on you.” “You ought to be ashamed of yourself.” “You are a very bad girl!”

Rather, an effective scolding is a carefully crafted verbal response to misbehavior that helps your child correct her actions without undermining her self-concept or your relationship. Begin by briefly expressing your command to stop the undesired behavior: “No hitting!” Offer an explanation for the limit: “Hitting hurts people.” Name the difficult feeling behind the behavior: “You’re upset because Tommy took the ball away.” An effective scolding provides an acceptable alternative to the misbehavior: “We use words to say we are angry. You can tell Tommy you want the ball back or ask a grown-up to help.” Continue the scolding by enforcing the established consequence of the misbehavior: “You know the rule; if you hit again, you will have to go to time-out.” Remind your child of her personal power by adding: “You choose.” Be sure to end the reprimand on a positive note by giving a compliment, hug, smile, or other affirmation: “Good listening, Angela. Thank you.”

A properly administered scolding can help your child gain respect for your standards and genuinely want to live up to your expectations and ideals. On the other hand, a hostile scolding or angry tirade can leave a child feeling discouraged and resentful. She may focus more on not getting caught again rather than on changing her behavior. Remember, the purpose of redirecting misbehavior is to help your child gain self-control and to learn to make better choices about how to act without undermining your relationship.

Recommended Resource:
1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. (Child Management, Incorporated, 2004)

Marianne Neifert, M.D., also known as Dr. Mom, is a well-known pediatrician, professional speaker, author, and mother of five grown children. Dr. Neifert holds a Master of Theological Studies and has authored four child rearing books, including Dr. Mom’s Prescription for Preschoolers.

For more information or to make comments, e-mail us at parentlife@lifeway.com.