How to Stop Keeping Score

Written by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

Q. My husband and I work hard to share everything equally as husband and wife. We try to split household chores and make sure if one of us buys something new, the other one is next. We’ve been married two years, though, and our fifty-fifty plan is no longer holding up. Any suggestions?

A. Scorekeeping is for athletic contests, not marriages. Yet many couples, deciding that marriage should ideally be a fifty-fifty proposition, fall into the habit of tallying up each other’s contributions to the marriage. They split resources, weigh portions, and count privileges. They believe that keeping track of who gets what, does what, and has what will help them achieve a more balanced partnership and a more fair share in the costs and benefits of running a home.

 But in reality, scorekeeping destroys emotional intimacy because it’s a subtle way of drawing marital battle lines. You may decide that you want to be equal in all things, but you’ll end up being unhappy marital accountants, more concerned with being ripped off than growing together. Instead of “sweet nothings,” you’ll hear things like, “You got to choose last time,” “It’s only fair that … ,” and “I thought we had a deal.” These are not the sounds of a loving marriage. The longer this fifty-fifty game is played, the more complex it gets as each of you discovers different expectations and measures contributions by different standards.

Regardless of how it starts, scorekeeping in marriage isn’t just a division of labor; it’s about power, a need for love and appreciation, and other emotional issues.

When marriage is built on a fifty-fifty proposition, both partners eventually feel they’re being cheated of their presumed rights. It’s far better to give each other the benefit of the doubt when you can and to talk openly about what you’re feeling and needing. If your husband is spending more money than you are, talk about it. There may be a good reason.

And if there isn’t, your discussion can serve as the impetus for reining in the spending. The point is that you can build a happier marriage by putting away your score cards and talking about your feelings and needs.  

Try these steps for breaking free from scorekeeping: First, have a calm, frank discussion with your husband about your expectations and disappointments. Talk honestly about the situations where you’re most tempted to keep score. Be clear about your feelings so that he knows what matters most to you.

Then, release your desire to have your husband meet all your needs. It’s not possible. No person can meet all your needs, no matter how strategic, compromising, or egalitarian. Ultimately, only God can meet your needs.

Finally, work on submitting your needs to your husband instead of looking out only for yourself. This takes effort, but it’s the only way to build a true partnership.

Only you can set the criteria for what’s important in your marriage. You may see other couples who measure everything in more-equal shares, but don’t let that influence your desire to work as one.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are co-directors of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University and the authors of many best-selling books, including Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts and Love Talk. Visit their Web site to find their national speaking schedule and their online marriage assessment at www.RealRelationships.com.

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