Healing Shattered Hearts

Written by Fred and Brenda Stoeker

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

Pornography may be a hush word, but its effects are far from silent. Its impact can flatten the spouse who engages in it, the spouse who discovers the secret sin, and the marriage as a whole.

 If you’re struggling with this issue in your marriage, it may seem impossible to find any hope for healing and restoration. Yet, while the task before you looks dark and challenging, the fact this sin has been discovered reveals God’s at work, and a hopeful dawn can break over your marriage through His grace and mercy.

The Struggle a Wife Faces
“My husband has a pornography habit,” Karen admits. “We’ve been married for almost 10 years, but I only caught him for the first time three years ago. I’m afraid to ask how far back this all goes.

“I ache for him because he’s probably been trapped in this sin for decades. But how long must I live with this? I’m tired and angry, and sometimes I just want to run as far away from his sick little habit as possible. … I just want to breathe again.”

Karen, like many women who grapple with why their spouses struggle with pornography, is facing many emotions — anger, hurt, confusion, disappointment, and insecurity. Learning the truth about your husband’s involvement with pornography can leave you questioning whether your entire marriage has been a mirage. You’re panicked by how this makes you see your husband, and you despise him for how this makes you see yourself. I never dreamed it could go this far, you think. I feel so ugly now.

The betrayal and broken promises have shattered your heart, stirring up bitterness and resentment. At first, that’s all you can see, but God desires that you see something more. 

The Struggle a Husband Faces
The bottom line about men’s sexual sin is that it crushes women, and men need to take responsibility for that and put an end to it. A wife will never fully heal as long as her husband continues sinning. At the same time, however, wives, you’ll also never heal as long as you believe he’s merely choosing this “dirty little fun.” If you do, you’re blind to the nature behind this sin, and you won’t realize that his struggle with pornography isn’t about you.

Women often view their husbands’ pornography habit much like they picture a bachelor party at a strip club, where the guys consciously choose their bit of lusty fun over other entertainment options. But there’s something wrong with that picture. In most cases, a husband’s sexual sin rarely feels like a choice and, deep down, it’s no longer remotely fun to him.

A better picture would be Wile E. Coyote clad in an armored suit and fleeing a giant magnet tied to a barrel of explosives. Choosing to run, his will races for all its worth, and his legs churn to a whirring blur. No matter. The magnet’s draw inevitably yanks Wile E. backwards into a clanging, broken heap.

I (Fred) can attest to that picture. Making the connection years ago between the sin of pornography and my distance from God, I chose to repent and move closer to Him. But in spite of my will, I couldn’t escape my lust. Every week I said I wouldn’t lust over those lingerie ads in the paper, but every Sunday morning, the photos compelled me. I’d vow to avoid watching “sexy” R-rated movies when I traveled, but I’d lose my battles in hotel rooms.

Was I having fun? No. I was desperate. But the relentless “magnet” was gripping me.

What’s behind the “magnet’s” power? A man’s own sexual nature. A man’s eyes can draw sexual gratification by viewing the sensuality around him, and when he does, a swirl of chemicals wash over the sexual pleasure centers of his brain. These addictive chemicals form the basis of this sin’s power, but the story doesn’t end there.

A woman finds intimacy in acts like hugging and talking, but a man finds intimacy in the acts just prior to and during intercourse. Because of this, pornography’s lust feels very much like genuine intimacy to him, if only for a moment. A man soon discovers that the rush of pleasure chemicals and its intoxicating feeling of intimacy will take away the pain of his emotional wounds for a while. Before long, he’s hooked physically and emotionally, and the powerful magnet is in place. 

So, wives, it’s a good bet that your husband’s prison cell of sexual sin was crafted long before you met, and it has never been about your attractiveness or his love for you. It’s about his sin and his wounds. Understanding this is the first step toward healing in your marriage.
 
The Journey to Healing
The first step to rebuilding your marriage is accepting sexual differences and understanding that your husband is not defective. Men don’t sin because their sexuality is defective; their systems are working as God designed them.

The simple truth is that men will continue to struggle with sexual sin in this sexually charged culture until they learn, through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, to control their eyes, minds, and passions. We’re certainly not giving your husband a free pass to sin — he has betrayed you. We’re simply pointing out that, given his nature, it was easy to fall. Now that he has fallen, he has a choice to make. And so do you. 

You committed to your husband for better or for worse, and today things are worse. Gratefully, understanding that this sin is not about you can release the peace and mercy you’ll need to walk beside your mate.

Four Questions Wives Should Ask
While we certainly can’t approach the topic exhaustively in an article of this length, we’d like to offer four questions wives can ask their husbands as a starting point to healing.

1. Will you face up to the truth? Is your husband willing to admit his sin and ask for help? Your husband must learn how to discipline his eyes and mind.

To “flee sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18-20) is to cut off the sensual images that cause the addictive chemical rush to his brain, either by bouncing the eyes and refusing to draw in visual sensuality or by taking every lustful thought captive and tossing it out.

2. Will you commit to our marriage? As a starting point, you have a right to hear the truth from your husband. To love you as Christ loved the church, your husband must sacrifice his pride and humbly return your relationship to one of beauty, openness, and connection.

3. Will you seek help with me? My (Fred’s) father called men that went to counselors sissies. But I think that, in retrospect, the guy who avoids the counselor is the coward, especially when his wife is asking him to go.

Counselors can point out our blind spots. Even the manly King David trusted in counselors — who can forget Nathan’s counsel as he fingered David’s sin and put him on the path to repentance and healing? (2 Samuel 12).

As a young husband, I was blind to massive flaws in myself that two counselors spotted and pointed out to me. These men helped change the destiny of our family tree and released me to complete the call of God in my life. Is your husband willing to seek wisdom?

4. Will you seek accountability? Lack of emotional connection may have been one of the reasons your husband was hooked by sexual sin in the first place. Joining a small, close-knit group of Christian men who offer one another support can help your husband dramatically as he works to stand purely again.

You have a right before God to expect purity from your husband, and once you choose to stay and help him in spite of his betrayal, your husband certainly owes you an affirmative answer to each of these questions. Still, don’t expect them overnight — in our experience, it’s more likely that a husband won’t answer all four questions affirmatively at first. But as you step to your husband’s side to help him in his battle, the small victories will lead to healing and restoration — in each of your lives and in your marriage. 

Fred and Brenda Stoeker are the authors of Every Heart Restored   and Every Man's Battle.

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