Three Positive Ways to Face Hidden Hurts

Written by Kyna Moore

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

If you’re like most of us, you’re pretty good at hiding your clutter in closets when guests come over. Not a bad solution, especially when you don’t have hours to clean. But the hide-it-and-deal-with-it-later approach isn’t good for the rest of your problems.

How do you respond to emotional turmoil? Take a moment to read three common ways people deal with emotions. If you find yourself avoiding the real issues and filling time with mismatched coping skills, it’s time to make a change.

You’re worn out from helping people perfect their untidy lives all week.

Sure, you can be bossy, even demanding, but you’re improving the lives of the sloppy folks around you. Their neglected tasks are draining you, but through careful micromanagement, you can handle their chores yourself. Why ask God for direction when you can get the job done alone?

Face it: You’re wearing yourself out and letting people around you continue their failing behavior by batting for them when they need to step up to the plate. More important, you’re trying to control everything and everyone. Why? Most likely, you have an overwhelming life issue to deal with - a threat to your security, a choice your spouse made, or a failing health situation. You feel helpless, which compels you to control everything else that you can. That’s because, as Dr. Gary Smalley points out in The DNA of Relationships, “Our deepest fears … are the fear of losing connection and losing control.”

Try this instead: Become aware of which stressors are you ignoring. Identify, talk, and journal about them until you feel the knot within start to loosen. Tell yourself the truth about that issue (“I can only pray for Mom’s surgeon; I can’t speed science to a new cure” or “I can call the bank and get a deferment for our mortgage; I can’t command my husband to get a raise today”). Confess that no amount of control in any other area can change the bigger issue. Pray for peace (see Philippians 4:7 and Colossians 3:15). Don’t live and breathe in the anxiety of the unknown (see Matthew 6:27). While some amount of control is okay, exert it over your own life, not others’ lives. Rest in God’s control.

You’d rather not have to interact with people right now, thanks.

Your days are packed with busywork, and nothing excites you. You feel numb, distracted, and irritable. You’re busy not feeling anything, which takes a lot of energy. You’d rather not talk to anyone. And when you do, you’re disagreeable about simple things like what’s for dinner.

Face it: Your blah-to-blow-up behavior is a defense mechanism against insecurity or guilt, usually from frustration that you can’t do more about a situation or you’re letting someone down (“I’m not a good mom/wife/worker”). So you withdraw. When you can’t hold it in anymore, you blow up about something unrelated.

Try this instead: Don’t check out; check in with yourself throughout the day, asking God to help you connect with what’s really going on. Respond to the nagging taunts in your head with the truth. Maybe you missed your daughter’s piano recital; apologize and take her out for some special time with you. God gave you the role of mother to grow into. He doesn’t demand immediate perfection. Forgive yourself for being human (70 times 7 times a day if nagging thoughts keep cropping up).

Author Les Parrott offers this advice for getting rid of false guilt: “When you wake up each morning, give yourself permission to be wrong. Strive for excellence, but not perfection. And as a human, remember that you’re supposed to make mistakes.”

To keep from even stepping into the mental boxing ring where you can really beat yourself up, learn to recognize the exact event or moment when you start to withdraw (see Proverbs 20:5).

You’re super busy, but you never really feel satisfied.

Your days are spent running excessive errands, being over-involved in helping others, talking on the phone, or shopping for too long and spending too much money. You may overeat or choose mostly junk food. You ignore responsibilities. You feel your mind racing ahead, ignoring what’s happening in front of you.

Face it: There’s a void you’re trying to fill with activity. You probably feel lonely, bored, or unfulfilled. Although the activities seem like good investments of time, they don’t address your need for intimacy and purpose.

Try this instead: Acknowledge that all play and no work makes Jane a purposeless gal. Just like your kids need a life with boundaries, so will you appreciate the limits you set on yourself. Try limiting your phone time, meeting friends for lunch twice a week, and setting a limit on shopping time. Pay attention to what fulfills your longing for purpose, and set goals to address your true needs.

Do you see yourself in one of these situations? Pray for willingness and discipline to alter your responses. Spend as much time as you need sorting out the inner turmoil - and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Kyna Moore is a licensed counselor practicing in Franklin, Tennessee.

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