Anger Management

Written by Dr. Gary J. Oliver

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

Q. We have two young sons who tend to lash out at each other with anger. Any suggestions for how to teach our boys to deal with this?

A. First, it’s important to understand that anger almost always arises from feelings of hurt, frustration, or fear. Once you’re able to recognize which of these emotions triggers the anger, you’ll be on your way to learning how to make things better for your family. 

 To help you get started, follow these steps for teaching your sons healthy anger management:

1. Observe how each son responds to anger. How often does he get angry? What situations seem to upset him? How does he treat others when he is angry?

2. Identify the unique ways each of your sons expresses anger. Most extroverts like to process things externally, while introverts process things internally and talk about them later. Being insensitive to his unique process may add to his frustration, making it difficult to achieve a positive outcome.

3. Help your children acknowledge their anger and accept responsibility for it. Through our own reactions to anger, we can teach our children that while other people sometimes do things that cause hurt or frustration, we are responsible for how we choose to respond.

4. Help each of your sons identify the source. Often, anger communicates a need that he may not be aware of. Help him label the feeling behind his anger by asking him if he feels sad, afraid, hurt, or confused.

5. Teach your sons to talk about their feelings. Listen attentively as each processes his anger. This provides an opportunity to teach him to talk to God about it: “I can tell you’re feeling angry right now, and it sounds like you’ve got some good reasons to be upset. Would you like to pray about it and ask God how to handle it?”

6. Help him develop his own solution. It’s important for us to help our kids move from a “what’s the problem” mode to a “what can I do about it” mode. You might ask, “Now that you know your anger comes from being frustrated with your brother, what do you think you can do about your frustration?” It’s important to help kids develop their own solutions to problems.

7. Later, ask your sons what they learned about dealing with their anger. What went well? Could they have responded differently and had a better outcome?

Learning to understand and deal with emotions is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children. Encourage each positive step your sons take. With prayer and perseverance, you’ll see positive signs of growth.

Dr. Gary J. Oliver is executive director of The Center for Marriage & Family Studies and professor of psychology and practical theology at John Brown University. Carrie Oliver is an educator and a marriage and family counselor. They have co-authored Raising Sons and Loving It!

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