Thirtysomething

Written by Lori Smith

This article is courtesy of Christian Single.

If singleness is normal in your early 20s, it's rarer by the time you hit the big 3-0. If you haven't already, at some point in this decade, you're likely to be hit with the stark realization that, in fact, you might not get married. You may mourn that possibility. Your single life is far different than the married lives many or most of your friends have and perhaps it's far different than what you expected.

Thirtysomething singles generally have simultaneous goals: to be content, to find a mate, and to figure out how to make a contribution to society. But how do you find contentment when life's not what you thought it would be? And where do you go to meet someone when most of your friends are already hooked up and the post-college social networks you had have morphed into play groups or perhaps fizzled out altogether?

Continually choosing contentment may be a challenge. You might even know the answers: that contentment is a choice rather than a feeling, that it requires work, that God's love is fierce, and He has a plan for you and your singleness, that marriage is not necessarily equivalent to a better life. You might have been through periods of mourning and then wholeheartedly embraced this gift. But what catches most thirtysomethings by surprise is dealing with those feelings again when they rebound with unexpected force. It's crucial to understand that contentment is a regular choice — a pattern of thinking, not just a one-time accomplishment.

This is a decade in which crucial choices are made. When you're faced with disappointment, will you choose contentment? If you're recovering from divorce, will you hold on to bitterness? When you're looking for a mate, will you compromise?

Ron Hill, a 50-something single and church pastor, challenges 30-something singles to consider that the way they answer these questions will affect the rest of their lives. "This age sets the tone for the rest of your adulthood and may even decide if you have friends or even a mate," he says. In both Hill's personal experience and his dealings with singles, he feels many of the emotional challenges of this decade can be answered by a deep relationship with a very loving God. "The saddest thing I've seen during this tenure is single adults who choose the path of complaint and bitterness," Hill says. "They may even be faithful to church attendance but never connect to the awesome power of an incredibly exciting, fun, and loving God — a God who gives grace and forgiveness and love away, that we may also be affected by it, then pass it on as well."

Hill issues these challenges specifically to thirtysomethings: "If you're single at this point in your life, continue to learn to love yourself and surround yourself with a good group of friends. Grow spiritually. Get out of the house. Take vacations with friends. Connect with Jesus Christ on a very personal and intimate level."

"Developing intimate 'girl friends' was a huge part of my growth as a woman and would eventually aid in my efforts to be a wife to my husband," says Karen Hicks, a mentor to singles. "When you allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone else it opens you up and you really see who you are on the inside. You see your 'issues' and all that baggage you have carried and collected over the years."

If you haven't already, discover what your spiritual gifts are and how you can use them. Hicks found purpose in discovering her spiritual gifts and developing a personal ministry of mentoring women. "I finally got to a point where I tried to serve the Lord and learn as much about myself and the gifts He had given me and be totally open to how He could use me as a single woman."

All in all, this is the decade when you must stop waiting for life to come to you, and instead, actively pursue the life you desire and God has for you.

"I came to the realization it was ridiculous to wait to do the things I wanted to do — buy a house, lead a small group, take a long vacation — simply because I wasn't married," says Katie Denning, a never-married 36-year-old. "And I thought, Who knows — it may be through one of these experiences that I meet my future spouse. I was passing up opportunities."

Perhaps the greatest aspect of life as a single in your 30s is freedom. Financially, relationally, and practically your options are wide open and you can focus, with God's leadership, on contributing to those in your life and society as a whole. 

Must-Do list for your 30s:
 — Give yourself a day at the spa.
 — Host a holiday family gathering.
 — Draw up a financial plan for retirement.
 — Mentor a child.
 — Find an exercise routine you love.
 — Go on a overseas mission trip.
 — Experience the opera.

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