Cook Up a Healthy Marriage

Written by Roger Crew

This article is courtesy of Living with Teenagers.

Great chefs diligently select each ingredient in preparation of a scrumptious dining experience. The thought of haphazardly tossing in spices never crosses the mind of a true connoisseur.

 In similar ways, marriage requires attention to detail. What we add (or omit) from the marriage mix impacts the total relationship experience. A couple who fails to focus on blending quality ingredients into their relationship produces bland—or even sour results. Such a relationship negatively impacts everyone directly related to the marriage. In particular, children experience deep hurt from an unhealthy marriage, and these hurts are often clearly evident when children hit the teenage years.

Scripture provides the ingredients needed for a healthy marriage. Savor these.

Pour in Lavish Grace
In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding (Eph. 1:7-8).

In these verses Paul described God’s gift of grace (His favor regardless of your efforts) as lavish. God wants you to understand the depth of His desire for a personal relationship with you. His gift of lavish grace makes that relationship possible.

For marriages to be robust, each spouse must pour in lavish grace by choosing daily to do what is best for the other person. How can you do that? Let your actions be motivated by the needs of your spouse—not his or her behavior. Communicate through your behavior that you want a marriage filled with lavish grace.

Stir in Healing Words
Pleasant words are a honeycomb: sweet to the taste and health to the body (Proverbs 16:24).

Close your eyes and read aloud this verse, which is a much-needed balm in our caustic world. God wants you to know the power of pleasant words.

Now, think about the words you speak each day: what percentage of them are caustic, insensitive, demeaning or outright rude? The tongue often does more killing than healing.

To some extent, life wounds every husband and wife. You may or may not be responsible for those wounds, but your spouse needs pleasant healing. God equipped you with the medicine needed to start the healing for your spouse from the inside out.

For the ancient Hebrew, the essence of life resided in the marrow of the bone. Complete healing began at “bone level.” Choose to initiate “to the bone” healing for your spouse by stirring into your marriage every day a full measure of pleasant, encouraging words.

Blend in Partnership Prayers
“If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer” (Matthew 21:22).

When a couple comes to me for marriage counseling, I ask each person to complete a marriage assessment. In most hurting marriages, assessment scores for spiritual health hit the bottom of the scale. Praying together seldom happens. But for the couple desiring spiritual growth, praying together is an absolute necessity.

Think for a moment about a powerful, wealthy person. Next, imagine that you’re invited to meet this person; during your time together, you can ask him for anything. How would you feel about your scheduled meeting? Excited? Expectant?

Now, ask yourself why you aren’t excited and full of great expectation when you and your spouse receive an invitation from God to speak with Him. Maybe you don’t feel excitement or great expectation because you don’t understand all that God has to offer your relationship. Perhaps you aren’t well versed in His promises because individually you don’t know Him that well.

Knowledge comes through spending time together with God. Make a decision to pray with your spouse each day. Your prayers as a couple open your marriage to the promises of God—and that’s something to get excited about!

Sift Out Unforgiveness
Brothers, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead, I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God’s heavenly call in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:13-14).

When God designed human relationships, He intended the power of the past to be used to build beautiful futures. Unfortunately, sin from the past often contaminates the present and the future.

Are events from your past contaminating your marriage? As you think about those events, picture the people involved in the pain: Do you see a mother or father, a former friend, a neighbor down the street, a child, or possibly your spouse?

If you bring a painful past into your marriage, it will cause problems. Ask God to help you forgive those who have wounded you. Sometimes it might be necessary to speak with those people who caused your pain. Other situations can be taken to God alone and left there. Ask your spouse to pray with you that God will help you sift out the unforgiveness that is impacting your relationships today.

Measure the Value of Acceptance
God saw all that He had made, and it was very good (Genesis 1:31a).

God made hundreds of species of butterflies—no two the same. Makes you want to say, “Bravo! Bravo!” doesn’t it?

But when it comes to people and God’s design plan, do you react with less applause? More times than not, do you place a negative evaluation on those personality traits that are different from your own?

God planned for you and your spouse—two very different people—to become one. Not only were you initially attracted to each other by differences, you will also continue to be enriched by those same differences as the years pass. Acceptance prevents those differences from becoming stumbling blocks in your relationship.

Take time to think about the behaviors that initially attracted you to your mate. Develop a practice of praising God for those qualities and outwardly affirming your spouse. Watch as God blends those differences into His grand design.

Like a chef preparing a special meal, marriage requires attention to detail. Choose to carefully mix godly ingredients into your relationship on a daily basis—and serve the world an extraordinary marriage.

Roger Crew works in the Church Ministry Leadership area at LifeWay Christian Resources. He and his family are members of Long Hollow Baptist Church in Hendersonville, Tennessee.

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