Healing for Your Teen After Divorce

Written by Kenneth Sanderfer

This article is courtesy of Christian Single.

Question:
My husband and I were officially divorced this past year after having been separated for some time, so I thought the kids were prepared for the divorce. However, I've been surprised at the difficulty they've experienced now that it's final. Both my kids are in high school. I can tell they're both hurting, but I don't know how to help them. What should I do?

Answer:

By the time kids reach adolescence, they're well aware that many families experience divorce. They have friends whose parents have separated and who live in single-parent or remarried households. They understand concepts such as child support, dividing property, custody, and visitation. By this time, most teens also know about alcoholism, infidelity, financial problems, and what it's like to fall in and out of love. They understand what all this means, but it's hard for them to comprehend that divorce would happen to their parents. Many of us have experienced a time when we began to grieve and prepare ourselves for the impending death of a friend or family member. But we're often shaken by the reality of death when it comes. The official death of a relationship is no different for most teens.

It's understandable that your children are hurting. Everyone hurts when dreams and expectations for a life together are no longer a reality. They'll have to come to grips with the fact that their family life will never be what they expected. The way they'll do "family" will always be different. The goal will be for the teens to successfully deal with the inner and outer stresses that accompany divorce.

Outer stresses create "unknowns" which can be overwhelming for teens. Questions that they'll have and many times not express are: "What will this mean?" "How will my life be different?" "When will I see Dad?" "Do I have a choice as to when?" "How will this affect my plans, personal goals, and aspirations?" and "What about college?"

Inner stresses result from teens questioning core beliefs about love, family, and relationships. "Can I count on my parents to help me control impulses I have relied on them to help me with?" "Can I trust my parents' love?" Teens also have the ability to make judgments about their parents' behavior. For example, when their image is tied up in who Dad is, and Dad's behavior is in question, inner turmoil is most certain to arise.

The most important thing that divorcing parents of teens can do is provide a continuous safe place for dialogue. Teens, much like adults in crisis, need an audience for their tears. They'll move to a place of healing when they're given the chance to share their hurt, sadness, and anger without someone trying to change their mind or talk them out of the way they're feeling.

It's also important for adolescents to know how their parents' divorce will affect their lives. Stress will be lessened when the "unknowns" are addressed. Honest discussion about visitation rights, phone calls, and financial decisions are big issues.

Most importantly, it must be communicated over and over that the divorce was a decision made by Mom and Dad, and it had nothing to do with them. The teen years can be a difficult time for any family. Unlike most children dealing with divorcing parents, teens often blame themselves for their parents' breakup. Take every opportunity to insure your children that Mom and Dad love them and will love them forever no matter how their family structure changes. 

Kenneth Sanderfer is a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Nashville, Tenn.

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