You Can’t Lose for Winning

Written by Greg & Erin Smalley

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

Q. My husband and I have been married for almost nine months, and it’s been much more difficult than I expected. I knew we’d have disagreements, but when we fight I often feel like we do things his way, and I walk away feeling like I’ve lost. How can we learn to resolve disagreements in a way that seems more fair?

A. Can you name the devil’s greatest strategy to destroy marriages? We suggest two words: power struggle. That’s because in every power struggle, participants become adversaries. As soon as a husband and wife set themselves against each other, the enemy can just fold his arms and walk away, knowing the couple will destroy each other.

 The key to healthy conflict resolution is to keep from becoming adversaries. Ideally, we want win/win solutions, but when that seems impossible, too many of us settle for what we see as a win/lose option.

But in a win/lose approach, you both lose because you’re on the same team. In marriage, if one team member loses, each member of that team loses. This can be as subtle as insisting on “making a point.” Even if one partner “wins” the point, the relationship suffers a loss.

Instead of the failed win/lose model, you can implement what our colleague Bob Paul calls a “No Losers Policy.” You can agree, from this point on, that it will never be acceptable for either of you to walk away from an interaction feeling as if you have lost.

To make this work, you’ll have to come up with a different definition of winning. If you make winning about getting your own way — in any way, shape, or form —you’re still locked into the old model. Redefine winning as finding and implementing a solution that both partners can feel good about. We’ve found five steps that help us get to win/win solutions in our own marriage:

1. Remember you’re on the same team. This understanding can change the way you treat each other.

2. Take time to understand how the other person feels. You may find that your conflict melts away as you seek to understand each other’s deeper concerns.

3. Pray together. God may have an opinion — wouldn’t His answer be best? Conflicts resolve easily when you discern God’s leading. Plus, it’s almost impossible to want to pray with someone when you’re angry or closed off. So if you don’t want to pray together, you shouldn’t try to resolve the conflict at this time because you’re likely to say or do something that sets you up as an enemy more than a marriage partner.

4. Brainstorm solutions. Generate ideas that have the potential of being win/win solutions. Don’t judge the ideas at this stage; just be creative and generate a list.

5. Evaluate the options, and decide on one. In our marriage, we often end up doing exactly what Erin wanted to do from the beginning, but by the time we get there, Greg feels great about it, so it’s not a loss. At other times, we do what Greg wanted, but Erin feels great about it. Sometimes we come up with creative solutions that are new to both of us. At other times we negotiate and piecemeal a little of hers and a little of his. But our goal is always that both of us will feel good about the decision, no matter how we get there.

The Apostle Paul labored to get young churches to understand the basic principle of finding a win/win solution. In passage after passage, he pled with people to work together to find solutions that benefited everyone. “Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit,” he wrote, “but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4).

A “No Losers Policy” goes a long way toward building a relationship that yields intimacy and satisfaction rather than grief and frustration. It’s how you and your spouse can look out for the interests of each other.

Dr. Greg Smalley is president of the Smalley Marriage Institute and chairman of the board of the National Marriage Association. Erin Smalley is trained as a clinical psychologist and is currently a speaker and stay-at-home mom. They live in Branson, Mo., with their three children. Learn more at www.smalleymarriage.com.

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