A New Dad’s Emotions

Written by Ken R. Canfield

This article is courtesy of ParentLife.

As a new father, you probably are feeling complete joy and happiness. You also might be feeling other emotions that are not as positive. Are these normal? New dads may experience common negative emotions that need to be handled carefully. In the midst of your wife’s pregnancy, having the baby, and adjusting to motherhood, it is easy for dad to become disillusioned.

A Changing Family

Your wife is getting most of the attention, has a natural bond with your child, and probably handles most of the child-care duties. She has a deep connection with your child that is difficult to understand. It is likely that you will feel jealous, left out, or like you’re competing with the baby for your wife’s attention and energy.

You may feel jealous that your wife has bonded easily with the baby and is, in a sense, a “gatekeeper” for your fathering activities. She probably knows more about what your baby needs and how to satisfy him.

Many fathers get discouraged and decide not to be involved in the first few years of their baby’s life, hoping to build a relationship when the child can talk, play ball, and go on outings. That may seem like the easiest approach, but it is not the best — for you or your child. Being involved with your baby during these early stages will greatly enhance your fathering satisfaction.

If you feel angry or discouraged, do not withdraw. Talk about it, preferably with your wife. Ask her what she is going through and communicate your concerns. If that seems impossible, talk to another father who has been through this life stage. He can share insights about how he got through it and assure you that it is a common experience for new dads. Discuss your feelings with your wife if you want real resolution and improvement in this area. Work through these issues together and start healthy habits that will help you deal with potential conflicts down the road.

The Virtue of Patience
In the wintertime, male grizzly bears go into hibernation. Apparently, they need to store their strength for the duties of the spring: berry-hunting, salmon fishing, and picnic scavenging. There is another reason why male grizzly bears sleep through the winter — when they wake up in the spring, they have to deal with newborn cubs. Ask any father who has just brought a new baby into the home, “How much sleep did you get last night?”

Wouldn’t it be nice if fathers could sleep through the nine months prior to delivery? Maybe then they would be refreshed enough to endure the at-any-hour demands of newborns. Becoming a father is relatively easy. Being a father is the real challenge.
When mothers leave the hospital after a delivery, it is common for the hospital to send them home with parenting paraphernalia — a diaper bag or a car seat for example. If new fathers could be sent home with anything, it should be a large dose of patience. Patience is the virtue that will allow you to bond with your child and mesh your schedules, ideals, and personalities. It is the basis for building your relationship together. Patience allows you to make the sacrifices you need for the sake of your children.

The Sex Factor
The nine months of pregnancy are the first testing grounds for a father’s patience. You also will sense the need for patience when it comes to sexual relations with your wife. Sex will have to be curtailed during the last part of her pregnancy and for a time after the delivery of your child.

Even after the pregnancy is over and your new baby has arrived, you still will have to be patient for a few years. During this stage in mothering, your wife is the most exhausted and the least responsive she will likely ever be. Mothering is physically demanding: her body will be tired; her emotions will need a rest. Learn to love your wife during this phase by asking her what she needs. Take care of the body that is giving so much to nurture your young child: rub her feet, offer to make her a cup of tea, tell her she is beautiful and a terrific mom.

Fathering a young child involves sacrifice. You may be asked to change or put on hold some of the things you have enjoyed in the past. Patience also is a vital component in any situation where two people must learn to mesh their personalities, paces, and priorities. Patience is the character quality that surrounds and facilitates bonding. Through patience, you are laying the groundwork for a lifetime of intimacy with your spouse.

Facing Expectations
The greatest expectations you will encounter are those that you and your wife both place on your fathering. Both of these will be based largely on how each of you were fathered. Some of your wife’s expectations may be the result of male-female gender differences.

Your wife may assume that parenting equals mothering. She may not know that there are distinctive ways in which men interact with children. Young mothers are quick to give immediate support. When a child cries, they respond. Your wife’s expectations could cover any aspect of your fathering, and the only way to deal with them is to bring them out in the open, where you can analyze them and make a conscious judgment about them. Ask your wife, “What do you expect me to do as a father?”

Communication Is Key
Parenting brings changes in many aspects of your life. So get specific. Talk about the schedule of diaper changes, the amount of time spent with your children, expectations about discipline, or child-rearing values.

Also discuss the changes in your marriage. Has your wife changed? Have your feelings toward her changed? Do you have concerns about your social life, your sex life, or your relationship?

Remember that communicating also includes listening to your wife’s expectations for you. Author and speaker Gary Smalley claims: “What most men don’t realize is that they have the world’s greatest instructors in relationships living right under their roofs.
A wife is a gold mine of relational skills.”1 Men can learn from their wives.

1Gary Smalley, Love Is a Decision (Waco: Word, 1989).

Ken R. Canfield, Ph.D., is founder and president of the National Center for Fathering. He has written several books, including The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers. He and his wife, Dee, have five children. Information in this article is from his book, Forming a Lifelong Bond: For Dads of Infants from the Adventures in Fathering series. To order, visit his Web site at www.fathers.com.

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