Preventing Sexual Abuse

Written by Brenda Waggoner

This article is courtesy of ParentLife.

“I can’t believe this happened to my little girl!” said a mother of two children under the age of 8. “We’ve discovered our 5-year-old was sexually abused by her uncle. It happened last year, but we are just learning about it.”

 I listened as this mom unraveled a tale of frayed hope after her child was violated in spite of her best attempts to protect her from harm and abuse. This mom home schooled her daughter, closely supervised her activities, and carefully chose baby-sitters. “What more could I have done to prevent this?” the distraught mother asked.

No Guarantee
Research reveals that 30 percent of childhood sexual abuse victims are between ages 4 and 7, and 90 percent of perpetrators are not strangers but someone the child knows.1

In today’s sex-saturated society, the incidence of sexual abuse is not likely to decrease. But, like the mom in my office, you may be wondering if there are things you can do to prevent the incidence of abuse and renew hope for today’s children.

While there are no guarantees of prevention, the following are suggestions for incorporating simple, positive, healthy attitudes about sexuality into your child-raising. Cultivating openness and honesty about sexual issues can help effectively minimize sexual victimization.

What Can Parents Do?
1. Integrate conversation about healthy sexuality. Curiosity about sexuality is natural and healthy. As children ask questions, talk with them about how boys are different from girls. Talk to them about roles and expectations of males and females. Talk about body differences, and acknowledge that there are private places on our bodies.

As a family, explain how God made coverings for Adam and Eve’s bodies in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3). Make a standard body drawing (gingerbread figure) and let your child identify private parts and color clothes for covering them. Discuss appropriate dress and the need for modesty and privacy, especially as children get older and their bodies begin to develop.

2. Create an atmosphere of safety for discussing sexuality. Children must feel safe before they will discuss sexual issues. A sense of safety and trust about discussing bodies and sexuality is a natural outgrowth of a child’s healthy connection to parents.

Spending time together, cultivating closeness, and building intimacy in daily life helps children feel comfortable discussing issues about sexuality. If you act shocked, guilty, or embarrassed, your child will pick up on your feelings. Your reactions can add to his perception of sex as an “off-limits” topic.

If you are uncomfortable talking about sexuality, you may need to face your own anxieties and fears. Perhaps you grew up in a home where sexuality was not openly discussed. Perhaps you were sexually abused and even thinking about sexual issues upsets you.

In today’s sexually-oriented culture, your children will have questions. Be prepared to answer them. If you do not face your own fears, you will not be able to educate and encourage your child. Get professional help for yourself if you need it.

3. Get on your child’s level of comprehension. In a recent publication, Dr. Diane Langberg, noted authority on sexual abuse, wrote: “Children think concretely, not abstractly. Children learn about abstract concepts like trust, truth, and love from the concrete experiences they have with significant others in their lives.”2

Sexual perpetrators are often people children “trust,” like an uncle or other extended family member, teacher, or coach. These adults know children have been taught to obey authority figures. Teach your child that there is an exception to obeying authorities: if something is not safe or if it violates their privacy. Children need to know they can say “no” to an adult if their safety or privacy is threatened.

Because children think concretely, it is important to teach them that there are two kinds of secrets: “good secrets” and “bad secrets.” They need to know that good secrets (happy news or surprises) are for keeping. Bad secrets (secrets about scary, wrong, or bad things) are for telling parents. 

4. Minimize risks. Eliminating or reducing one adult/one child situations can greatly reduce risk, since this is the setting in which abuse occurs most frequently. Carefully choosing baby-sitters and closely supervising children’s activities are important deterrents.

Do not expect obvious signs of abuse. Trauma shuts down growth and delays development. It results in isolation and feelings of powerlessness. Yet these symptoms often go undetected until months or even years after the abuse has occurred. Therefore, it is important to provide an environment in which children can feel safe talking about sexuality.

Sexual abuse is a complex problem, and there are no simple solutions.

Ultimately, you must trust in God for your safety, and teach your children to do the same. As parents, you are the vessels through which God works to provide safety and security for your children. Pray with your children. Demonstrate your trust and joy in the Lord in concrete ways they can see and comprehend.

1U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, “Executive Summary of the Third National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect.”
2Diane Langberg, “The Spiritual Impact of Abuse on Children,” Christian Counseling Today 11, no. 1 (2003).

Brenda Waggoner is a licensed professional counselor who lives in McKinney, Texas. Her latest book is Fairy Tale Faith, Living in the Meantime When You Expected Happily Ever After (Tyndale House).

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