Battling with an Ex-Spouse

Written by Kenneth Sanderfer

This article is courtesy of Christian Single.

Question:
I'm a single mom with a 7-year-old son. The divorce was ugly, and his dad and I have joint custody. I hoped things would settle down; however, my ex-husband continues to be uncooperative. For example, I made plans to go out with friends for the first time since our divorce, but he was two hours late picking up my son, and I had to cancel my plans. I was furious as he left smiling. I feel he does these things to make my life miserable. What can I do?

Answer:

The Hurt That They Feel

Divorces can get ugly. There's nothing pretty about taking everything that was "ours" and dividing it into "yours" and "mine." But it's much easier to get closure on the material stuff than on relationship matters. Because you share a child, you have to interact. Unfortunately, positive interaction requires respect, and it sounds as if your son's dad is having problems being respectful. It sounds as if your ex-husband is unwilling to cooperate and understand your needs.

We all deal with difficult people in our lives, but no one can push our buttons like those with whom we've had an intimate relationship. People who don't know you intimately can't use intimacy against you. I'm quite sure if you could not change him on the other side of marriage, you probably will not be able to change him on this side. The hope is that you can change and control how you respond to him. Here are some things to consider:

• A New Posture. First of all, many have found it helpful to become a student of what isn't working instead of a victim. A good indication that you have slipped into the victim role is when you find yourself responding in the way you always have. Your ex-spouse behaves irresponsibly, that gets you angry or frustrated, and he leaves smiling. Those who give themselves permission to "act" versus "react" can step out of the role of victim. It's a choice.
• New Relational Rules. Remember that the rules of engagement for intimate relationships get tricky. They become less tricky as they mature and become more defined. Many make this transition by thinking of the relationship in business terms. The most precious asset is your child. Every good business decision is made by putting its important asset first. Studies on the effects of divorce on children agree that your child is likely to turn out OK as long as you don't ask him to choose between you and your ex-spouse and as long as you provide him with a stable home life. Children usually recover from the trauma of divorce in accordance to how their parents cope.  
• Clarify. Make every effort to communicate clearly that you are not pleased with your ex-spouse's behavior. If your conversations have a history of becoming heated, consider e-mailing him or leaving a message on the answering machine. This also gives you time to prepare a concise message in a less antagonizing way. Here's an example, "When you arrive late to pick up Johnny, it disrupts my plans, and I feel frustrated by this. Please make every effort to pick him up on time." Statements like this clarify your position in a respectful way.     

There's no reason for the two of you to enter into a debate. You have made yourself clear. He now has a decision to make in regards to whether he will cooperate.

If you "act" rather than "react," you will be prepared if he doesn't comply. In certain situations, there's a good chance that your ex-spouse will not be happy about the actions you take, and he may even become angry. If you think your spouse has the potential to harm you or your child, choose carefully the types of interventions you implement.

As you learn to "act" versus "react," there may be some awkwardness. It's important to understand your motivation for new behavior should not be manipulation or revenge. Your motivation is to create a safe environment where you and your child can adjust to your circumstances and move on with your lives. 

Kenneth Sanderfer is a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Nashville, Tenn.