The Power of Positive Speaking

Written by Lindsey Hanes

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

 I repeated those words over and over as a kid. And I honestly tried to believe them. But now, as an adult, I realize those words are about as true as the tooth fairy. Words can hurt. In fact, few things hurt more.

Words Hold Power
Think about some of your own insecurities and fears. Many of them probably originated from some off-hand remark made years ago. You may not have let on that the comment bothered you. You may have even denied that those particular words cut to the core of your self-esteem. But it doesn’t change the fact that someone’s remark about your appearance, your work ethic, or your weight may still have you reeling in doubt and vulnerability.

We’ve all experienced the truth of Proverbs 12:18: “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (NIV). So if we know the power words hold — for good and bad — why do we use them so carelessly? What’s worse, why is it we most often pierce our families, the people we love most, with our reckless words?

The good news is that we can learn to eliminate our cutting comments and use our words to motivate and show love rather than weaken and cripple.

Accentuate the Positive
Most of us rarely intend for our words to hurt others. If we’re honest, we’ll acknowledge that we just become lazy, especially with regard to our own family. I’ve even been guilty of buying into the lie that if I don’t tell my husband what he’s doing wrong, he won’t know to fix it. Being the “helpful” wife I am, sometimes I don’t see my suggestions as criticism. My husband, on the other hand, may tell a different story.

During our first year of marriage, I (like many new wives) spent much time and energy trying to “improve” my husband. When he’d come home from work, I was more likely to nag him about fixing a leaky faucet or taking out the garbage than thank him for providing for our family. I was probably more polite to my co-workers than to my husband.

But I read something in The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman that set me straight: “The object of love is not getting something you want, but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate.”

Somewhere in our second year of marriage, I tried that approach. I began to focus and comment on the positive. One day Chris took out the garbage, and instead of saying nothing and thinking, “It’s about time,” I said, “Thanks for doing that. You’re so good to me.” At first, I felt silly pouring compliments on him, especially for things I thought he was supposed to do anyway. But once I saw his shoulders straighten and his chest puff with pride, I realized I actually felt the appreciation I was expressing.

Eliminate the Negative
Giving in to our natural instinct to criticize is a sure way to build unscalable walls in our family relationships. By criticizing, we send the message that someone is unacceptable to us, has to prove himself, or needs to change to earn our approval. Criticism can destroy the self-worth of our family members and feed a sense of distrust and hurt.

But these four power phrases will help you eliminate the negative and guarantee a more positive family life:

“Thank you.” One of the best ways to encourage those you love is to verbalize your appreciation continually. Get in the habit and watch how your family responds.

“I missed you.” This sentence tells your spouse and kids you’ve been thinking about them while you were apart. Even if it’s just for the day as everyone goes their separate ways, nothing’s better than coming home to someone who has missed you.

“I’m proud of you.” This phrase communicates admiration, not just for what your family members do, but for who they are. It builds confidence in your spouse and children.

“I love you.” These three syllables never get old or lose their meaning. And they can’t be said too often — we all need to be reminded we are loved.

So the next time you find yourself tempted to point out another’s shortcomings, make a sarcastic comment about your spouse’s mistake, or discredit your child’s attempt to please you, think about the power words have yielded in your own life.

James 3:5-6 tells us, “Though the tongue is a small part [of the body], it boasts great things. … And the tongue is a fire.” God has entrusted us with much responsibility when it comes to the words we speak. Let’s make sure we’re using them to edify, encourage, and motivate others — and most importantly, to glorify God.

Lindsey Hanes is a freelance writer living in Ocala, Fla.

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