The Single Dad Experience

Written by Kenneth Sanderfer

This article is courtesy of Christian Single.

Question:
I'm a single dad with a son who's 6 and a daughter who's 3. I've been divorced a little over six months, and the kids' mom isn't involved in their lives. I'm doing the best I know how to do right now and, fortunately, my mother helps with the kids. I really worry about imposing on her like that, but this is all pretty overwhelming. I don't know what else to do since I work full time and can't afford child care. The only single parents I have contact with are single moms. How will my experience be different from theirs?

Answer:

According to statistics, one out of six single parents are dads. But I think you'll find that single parents, in general, have a lot more similarities than differences when it comes to gender. Neither is exempt from the emotional shock that single parents deal with in the beginning stages. There is a tremendous amount of pain and confusion that accompanies the end of a relationship.

Regardless of the gender of its leader, the structure of the single-parent home is the same: marital responsibilities no longer exist, and the duties now fall primarily on being a parent. This shift impacts every relationship in the family. It's not unusual, during the beginning stages, for everyone to feel as if they've lost their family compass. However, most roles and responsibilities sort themselves out over time, and everyone, eventually, finds their way. This new form of family is not broken, as it has been described by some, but merely different.

The differences that you might encounter as a single dad are more likely the result of how society and people outside the family view single-parent families. Although the stereotypical roles for Dad and Mom have blended significantly in recent years, different expectations still exist — primarily the idea that men's roles are work-related and women's are domestic. Although many single parents seek outside help, such as you have with your mom, we know through studies that single-dad-led households are more likely to seek help. But asking for outside help or support when needed is a positive thing for you and your children. In single parent families, finding a support system creates strength, not weakness.

Not only do single dads reach out more often, but it's also more likely that others will reach in. Many people applaud male figures whose love for family exceeds the more nondomestic role dictated to them by society. In those cases, the single dad's role becomes a social badge of honor. However, there are difficulties unique to the single dad experience as well.

Many single dads who have filled a more traditional male role going into single-parent life express frustration in meeting the emotional needs of their children, especially during the adjustment period. This is often the case with young children where the emotional bond with the mom is strong. Children will have to grieve that loss as they move toward healing, and their response to grief can be confusing for any parent.

As children grow older, they benefit from seeking counsel from their same-sex parent. Obviously, it's natural for a boy to relate to his father, who has already navigated the developmental issues unique to being male. But some dads may feel a deficit in helping in this area where their daughters are concerned.

Finally, common for all single parents is the issue of remarriage. There's always a temptation to believe that remarriage is the solution to the stresses of single parenthood. Society will do what it can to encourage you to remarry as soon as possible — as if it is the cure for all that ails you. Many believe that this pressure by peers and family is often stronger on single dads. But remarriage is obviously not the solution. In fact, nothing is more devastating for a single parent family than a premature relationship justified by convenience and need. Think long, hard, and prayerfully before making a new commitment.

Kenneth Sanderfer is a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Nashville, Tenn.

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