Budget Battles

Written by Dr. Greg Smalley & Erin Smalley

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

Q. My husband wants us to save more money. I feel that our budget is already too tight to have fun. Our conversations about money issues always end in conflict. What do we do?

 A. Money. It’s the main source of arguments in many marriages, and it’s named as a leading cause of divorce. But the reality is that the fights couples have about money issues are not really about money. The key to resolving conflicts centering around finances is to identify the real issue. Early in our marriage, we tried over and over to discuss money, spending habits, and budgets –– without ever understanding what was actually driving our conflict. When we finally discovered what was underneath the money issue, we were eventually able to solve our budget battles. 

Ask yourself what “buttons” are being pushed when you and your husband discuss the budget. It sounds like you may feel controlled or powerless because the budget feels tight to you. If your husband created a budget without seeking your input, you may feel invalidated, devalued, or unimportant. Maybe you’re afraid that without being able to spend more money, you won’t have any fun and the marriage may start to lack passion and excitement. Whatever the case, figure out what the real issue is for you, and then ask your husband to do the same.

Ask him what’s really driving his need to save. It could be that he feels helpless or powerless to save money for the future. Many of the couples we work with feel uncertain, insecure, or nervous about their financial future. They react by trying to control the budget, but it’s usually an attempt to feel safe. Whatever the real issues are, spend time talking with your husband about them.

After you get to the real issue, then you can find a solution that you both feel good about. It sounds like you feel you’re “losing” if you can’t have fun with your money. But since you and your husband are on the same team, you either win together or you lose together. A key Scripture verse for Christian couples is Philippians 2:3-4: “Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

In order to find a win-win solution in your marriage, each of you must first take responsibility for your own “buttons.” Ask the Lord to help you identify them and to deal with them so you don’t react in a way that’s manipulative. You might pray Psalm 139:23: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my concerns.” Then, take what both of you really want and place them into the solution. For example, if you want to have fun and your husband wants to feel secure, a solution might be to include in the budget a set amount of “play” money. That way, he has a plan, and you get to have fun.

Work together to understand what’s really driving your conflict, and address it in a solution that meets both of your needs.

Dr. Greg Smalley is president of the Smalley Marriage Institute and chairman of the board of the National Marriage Association. Erin Smalley is trained as a clinical psychologist and is currently a speaker and stay-at home mom. They live in Branson, Mo., with their three children. Learn more at www.smalleymarriage.com.

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