Dare to Dream

Written by Nancy Mann Jackson

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

Just because you're married doesn't mean you no longer have your own dreams. Don't let that dream dry up. You and your mate may find that supporting each other's dreams actually strengthens your bond.

One Flesh, Two Souls
"Becoming one flesh doesn't mean becoming one soul," explains Dr. John Townsend, a marriage and family therapist and co-author of Boundaries in Marriage. "Marriage doesn't get rid of the two very important individuals. You're two souls but one couple. Marriage is a both/and, not an either/or thing."

Every marriage represents two people with individual dreams and a deep responsibility to each other, so spouses have a unique opportunity to help each other grow as individuals. Each may have personal desires, but as part of a couple, those hopes and dreams can become shared goals.

While supporting a spouse's dream can be a powerful relationship-builder, "we" always has to come before "me," Townsend cautions. Couples should start with shared goals and help each other pursue dreams that will enhance their family, he says. Helping each other follow individual dreams requires intentional choices and sacrifices, but it can be life-changing.

You and your spouse can help each other dare to dream in these four ways:

1. Realize the importance of dreams
Maybe your dreams are different now that you're married, but it's vital for couples to continue thriving. "Sometimes the absence of dreams can be a sign of problems in the marriage, even depression," Townsend says. "Proverbs 13:12 says, 'Hope deferred makes the heart sick' (NIV). If your spouse isn't dreaming, you need to figure out if there's a problem."

Rachel Newsom, a social worker, has worked full-time and even held more than one job so her husband, Brian, could follow his dream of becoming a family counselor. Rather than feeling like a martyr, Rachel sees herself as a member of the team.

"We're in this together, and I know it's for our future," Rachel says. "There have been times in our marriage when Brian wasn't pursuing a dream, and the fact that he is pursuing a dream now is an answered prayer. To see him thriving is worth it. Doing this together has helped us grow as a couple."

2. Do what you love to reach shared goals
In order for couples to stay connected while pursuing individual goals, they also need to focus on shared goals. "One of the best things any couple can do is to sit down and establish their mission in life as a couple," Townsend says. "Be flexible, but have those goals. They're like a lighthouse that's always drawing you back."

Dan and Meredith Albright know this truth firsthand. Married while they were in college, Meredith quit school and worked for a year while Dan finished his degree. He then took a job while she went back to college, but her schooling was interrupted by the births of their two daughters.

"Meredith always wanted to go back to school, but at the time I really didn't understand why it was so important," Dan says. Still, Dan chose to support Meredith's goal even though he didn't completely understand it; they took turns caring for the children while she finished her accounting degree and he worked as a pest control salesman.

Now that their daughters are school age, their home life has changed. Dan and Meredith wanted their children to be homeschooled, and they decided together that Dan was best suited to take on that responsibility.

For the Albrights, the key to helping each other pursue individual passions is knowing your priorities. "Figure out what you want to accomplish in your marriage," Dan says, "and then each of you should do what you love in order to help reach those goals. It's a lot easier to make sacrifices when you know you're working toward the same goal."

3. Look beyond the current circumstances
When a couple is working together to help one partner follow a dream, they'll have to make specific choices, even sacrifices, to see that dream fulfilled.

Soon after Cary and Anna Burnley married, Cary started chiropractic school, and Anna, a kindergarten teacher, became the family's chief breadwinner. While they were dating and during the beginning of their marriage, the Burnleys talked openly about what they wanted from life and devised a plan that would allow each of them to fulfill their goals. Cary's dream to become a chiropractor and Anna's hope of someday staying home with their children seemed to go hand in hand.

After a year of chiropractic school, Cary's program made changes, and he discovered he would have to transfer to a university in another city to earn his degree. The stakes of supporting this dream were suddenly higher. The couple decided Cary should move first to stay on track with school, and Anna would remain to finish her teaching commitment and sell their home. Supporting the dream was tough, but Anna stayed the course. "Being back together again was the big thing that kept me going," she says.

When the current situation seems too stressful, the Burnleys remind each other it will be worth the effort in the long run. Cary says, " … we try to remember that we're doing this for the right reasons — so she can stay home with our children during their formative years, so we can have more family time, and so we can have the flexibility to be involved with mission trips and other goals we have."

4. Plan ahead
Responsible dreaming means planning ahead and making sacrifices together.

Long before Bert and Sarah Bretherick met, Bert dreamed of starting his own textile business. His job as a sales executive required frequent travel, and after marrying Sarah, the business he'd dreamed about seemed even more attractive.

Ending the frequent travel was important to both Bert and Sarah, especially as they wanted to have children and wanted Sarah to stay home with them. "We tried to save all of my paycheck, and part of his too," Sarah says. "We just weren't big spenders, and we were always thinking, if we can save enough money, we can do it. It was definitely more important for him to be home than to be making more money."

After their first child was born, Bert began his own business on the side while still working full-time. By the time their second child came along two years later, the traveling seemed more burdensome than ever. The new business was growing, and the risk of tackling it full-time seemed smaller. "We had sacrificed ahead of time by saving money instead of making lots of sacrifices all at once," Bert says.

So what are you waiting for? Don't let your dreams dry up. You may even find that daring to dream together with your spouse is a spark that creates a kind of intimacy with your mate that you never … well, dreamed of.

Nancy Mann Jackson is a freelance writer living in Birmingham, Ala.

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