Finding an Ally in Anger

Written by Jane Rubietta

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

As if completing the last painful steps of a marathon before crossing the finish line, I struggled to get myself and my luggage through the back door. Returning home after a long business trip, I was eager to get inside and unwind.

 “Mom!” my daughter, Ruthie, began as she met me at the door. “The dog got inside because someone left the door open, and she ate my hamster!” I looked at my heartbroken 8-year-old, surveyed the mess on the floor, then did what every parent wishes they didn’t — I exploded.

Twenty minutes later, I was dismayed by my overblown reaction and disgusted with myself for the damage it wreaked on my family. I felt shame over both my anger and the way I expressed it. I felt frustration because those anger explosions, though not a daily occurrence, are common enough with me.

However, in my pursuit to overcome my propensity for such outbursts, I’m learning that anger isn’t all bad. One of its benefits is that it signals an opportunity for spiritual growth. I’ve found you can deepen your relationship with God by making anger your ally.

Clearing Up Misconceptions
The simple word anger and its other forms — mad, furious, ticked — reflect a continuum of feelings and a load of misconceptions. We rarely know what to do with honest anger, and we are confounded by messages we’ve heard since childhood that imply good Christians don’t get angry.

But from time to time we all experience some form of anger, whether it’s irritation, frustration, dissatisfaction, outrage, fury, or even depression.

“God gave us emotions to be managed and used for His glory,” write Scotty Turansky and Joanne Miller, authors of Good and Angry. “God created us in His image, and He, Himself, is often described in Scripture as having emotions.” This includes anger. But if you’re still wondering if anger equals sin, just look to Ephesians 4:26: “Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry — but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry,” (The Message).

In truth, anger is God-given. It’s only when we hold on to anger, use it as a weapon to harm others, or allow it to drive a wedge between us and another that anger becomes sin. Unresolved, poorly expressed, or hidden anger strips our relationships of love, trust, respect, and forgiveness — that includes our relationship with God.

So how do we deal with our anger? And beyond that, how can understanding it draw us closer to God?

Uncovering the Root of Anger
The first step to making anger your ally is recognizing it and all its underlying baggage. Explore situations that have made you angry in the past. When did the anger begin to surface? What was going on at that moment, both within yourself and in your surroundings or circumstances?

For some, anger arises as a “power” reaction. When someone seems to be wrestling us for control — be it a child, spouse, or colleague — anger overflows out of that struggle. It kicks in because our need to feel good about ourselves becomes a desire to be in charge or to be right.

Sometimes anger shows itself in defensiveness or blame when our integrity or sufficiency seems to be in question. Or if our self-esteem is lagging a bit, shame can feed into anger. It’s typical, too, to act out in anger if we feel unloved or unattended.

When my husband, Rich, and I were in seminary, raising our first baby, and working as around-the-clock caretakers for a woman with Alzheimer’s, I felt increasingly out of sorts and irritated. One evening I flew into a tirade with Rich, only later realizing that because he was gone so many hours every day, I felt alone and unloved. Tempted to think I was a victim of injustice, my heart’s deepest longings were surfacing. I just didn’t have the wisdom or words to interpret, express, or direct those longings in healthy ways.

Seeing Anger for what it Is
These issues not only heighten our tendency to blow fuses, they take us to the heart of real anger: a short-circuit or disconnection from God.

Anger originates in a place deep within where we have forgotten or never known God’s love for us. Anger is the cry of our heart to be well and truly loved. It’s recognition of the unfairness of not being loved that way on earth and a longing for God’s true and perfect love.

Proverbs 19:22 tells us, “What a man desires is unfailing love,” (NIV). When we are frustrated in this God-given desire, anger or one of its related emotions may erupt and interrupt.

Anger then becomes an opportunity for us to directly connect with our own heart — and with God’s. The more quickly we begin to connect, the less damage is done, both physically and spiritually, to our heart as well as to our relationships.

While away from home at a recent conference, I tossed and turned for several nights, unable to place the cause. One night my roommate gently said, “Jane, if I were awake that much, I would be on my knees asking God what I’m angry about.”

Horrified that anger might have claimed squatter’s rights without my notice, I skipped the morning session, stayed in my room, and began journaling. First worry and then rage poured from my pen. And I discovered the emotion was directed at God.

Later I saw the truth in what Michelle Novotni writes in Angry With God: “Many people are afraid to give voice to this anger … and so these unvoiced thoughts are often forced underground — pushed out of conscious thought, leaving people feeling disconnected from God.”

Looking back, my spewing seems like a pity-party, but at the time, I was struggling with God’s calling me to full-time ministry because I didn’t have any kind of consistent funding. It was a burden I had been trying to carry by myself. As I wrote, prayed, and wept, I acknowledged to God the depth of my anger. I realized that fear and a feeling of abandonment played a part in my emotions.

Digging deeper, I uncovered its root: God must not really love me or I wouldn’t be struggling like this, I thought. But as I listened, God reminded me that He does love me and He would indeed take care of me. My anger took me first to my own heart and then to God’s. It became a way for me to connect more deeply with Him.

Making Room for Holiness
What grace, that something capable of causing such shame and destruction can also carve out more room for holiness within our hearts and in our world. We don’t need to resign ourselves to rage or live the rest of our lives blaming genetics for our outbursts.

Misunderstood emotion becomes a gift, rather than a curse, when it shows us where we have unresolved pain from the past, where we are frightened or need to grow, and where we need to establish better boundaries.

As an ally, anger can guide us to our deepest desires, to God’s good heart for us, and to wholeness through connection with Him.

Jane Rubietta is an author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother of three. Her newest book is Grace Points: Growth and Guidance in Times of Change. You can learn more at www.abounding.org.

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