Peek Inside an Adoption Journal

Excerpts from Ann’s Pre-Adoption Journal

Peek inside one family's journey toward adoption and learn that, sometimes, the question is as surprising as the answer.

(Part of the Christian Adoption Resource Guide)

Two years ago
Yep, we’re done with growing our family... (says me, not my husband Jeff)... so much simpler that way.  Then Feb. 2002, there’s an announcement at church about needing cribs, etc. for the learning center infant classes.  I think, hey... that’s a great use for Sophie’s crib!  I have a crib!  Oh God, I have a crib... and I don’t want to give it away.  Tears... I DO want another baby.  All right, Ann, make up your mind.  God, could you give me some guidance? I just don’t get it!  I’m going to be 40 soon!  AHHHH! 

Spring/Summer 2003
Basic thoughts... should we adopt again?  Wouldn’t we be wise to just wake up every day and be thankful for the status quo?  And I mean that in a good way.  Life will never be predictable, but right now if feels a little bit that way... and there’s security in that... security in counting your blessings.  Don’t we have enough on our plates already?  How do you know when you’re "done" having children?  There are days I feel it will only be by the grace of God (and of course that’s all it will be ANY day) that I’ll be able to raise this child.  OK, I know, you "rear" children and "raise" animals.  God, help me raise this child.

Fall 2003
Going to the Family Life adoption conference at church.  I already know this stuff... kind of seems like a waste of time.  We’re pursuing domestic adoption.

Wow... major impact... an epiphany.  Why, exactly, are we waiting for a birthmother to choose US out of a book of other prospective adoptive families, when there are babies in China (and all around the world) waiting against all odds for someone to choose THEM?  Sure, it’s expensive... but so is domestic adoption.  Sure, they could have problems... welcome to the family.  Oh, God, that orphanage video... those cribs packed in that room, and the pallets on the floor UNDER the cribs providing beds for more babies... and all of them crying, and only one girl in there trying to bottle-feed a tiny, fussy newborn... and all the other babies, if they were eating, taking their bottles which were propped up for them, instead of being cradled in loving arms... and the little one they zoomed in on, her little lips pursed in a cry, flailing her little arms.  When Sophie cried like that she was instantly cuddled and cooed over and comforted.  I could do that!  I could be Mama to one of those babies!  I bawled my eyes out and knew God was keeping me from hardening that part of my heart that keeps things calm, cool, collected on the exterior.  He needed me to feel this. 

December 2003 
So unsettled since the adoption conference.  One thing’s for sure, in my heart of hearts, I want another child.  Even on my most exhausting day, my heart tells me yes to another one.  How will we do it?  How will we afford it?  How can we not do it? 

February 2004
OK, we’re doing it!  AHHHH!  Met with Susan at Miriam’s Promise and got the home study started.  We’re doing this!  At some point, Jeff caught the vision... it was hard since he hadn’t come to the conference... now reading "Lost Daughters of China" and feeling just desperate to rescue one of those babies.  Not sure at this point exactly how we’ll afford everything but God, you will provide for us, right?  Please, somehow get us the money.

February 29, 2004
Well, I can only guess that the next "Leap Day," Feb. 29, 2008, I’ll be a mom to 2 girls.  What do you think, Lord?  We are looking at the money, and while I’m unsure of how the money will come together, I feel like it will.  What better thing to spend any and all surplus on, what better reason to "pull in our belts"?  God, show us where we can do this and make us willing.   

Mailed off our papers to America World, filled out my passport application... it’s all underway and it’s the closest thing to being pregnant that I’ve ever felt! 

Emma Grace Trubey
Emma Xiao Yu Trubey
Emma Mei Ling Trubey

Who knows?  Can’t wait to find out!  I’m praying multiple times a day for little Emma, her birthmother, the caregivers and orphanage staff.  Also need to pray for stability in US/China relationships, illnesses to stay away (SARS, etc.)  God keep the whole process in your care.  Even down to the flight... good grief, I’m going to CHINA, for heaven’s sake! I can’t believe it!  Have I lost my mind??  God, please cuddle, protect, and warm Emma for me right now... in her mother’s womb, or in the orphanage - she could already be born, God... you know her and are creating every little detail of her life as I write.  Please bring us together.

June 28, 2004 
Q: How are you guys doing with the adoption?  A: Great... we just need this one more thing...   OK, how long before this starts to sound like a story?  But it’s true, really!  There is always ONE MORE THING!  But this time it’s the last thing, until the next last thing... the all-important I-171 form that says we have permission from immigration to bring a child from China into the U.S.  Why do I feel like I can’t go anywhere or do anything until it arrives?  There surely must be a song, "Waitin’ for the 171."

It did come on July 2... sent it off... very weird... happened to look at the TV in the middle of the night because of bad weather.  Flipped on to C-Span... there was a press conference at the Chinese Embassy!  And my 171 was THERE!  I wanted to scream to those people, get down that hall and look for my 171, stamp it, and send it to me!

Fall 2004 
She’s born by now, for sure, God... please send your spirit to comfort her and give her peace when she needs to be held and loved... help someone to smile at her and engage her today... help someone to sing to her.  God, help her love music!  And having her hair done!  Help her be peaceful in her bed today, or in her play.  Fill that void in her heart that a mama usually fills in a baby... preserve her little heart and emotions and don’t let her be scarred by the orphanage experience.  I think of holding her in my lap when I’m in church, smelling the top of her head and cuddling her little warm body... I think of Sophie being the proud big sister, and how right this is.  Continue to provide for our needs, the ones we don’t even know we have.

Excerpts from diary of Ann Trubey

Discover the Christian Adoption Resource Guide...
 

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