7 Ideas for Settling Family Conflicts
Your family is the rare exception if you have not had some kind of family argument or conflict. Because we’re human, we - all of us - make mistakes that cause problems and conflict with family members.
Resolving conflict is not easy, despite good intentions. Parents want to raise healthy, responsible children. Children need - even want - restriction, limits, and love. Balancing everything we as parents face means that sometimes we encounter problems. Resolving problems can be a family battle or a learning experience, depending on whether we use conflict management techniques. Here are some ideas for how to manage conflict in your family.
Accept conflict as normal. Conflict between marriage partners or between parents and children is normal. We need to learn how to handle and resolve conflict; in fact, it means that we should learn how to minimize or eliminate it whenever possible.
Set ground rules. Couples are responsible for their own behavior and for the atmosphere in which they live - and raise their children. Setting rules early for your family can minimize future pain. Establish rules that everyone is expected to adhere to in conflict, too. For example:
- One person speaks at a time.
- Each person has five (or other number) minutes for presenting your position.
- No one can interrupt a speaker.
- State how you feel, not what someone else has done.
- Focus on the problem, not the person.
- Listener(s) must rephrase comments in the form of, “What I hear you saying is . . .” or “If I understand you right, you want me to know. . . .”
- Questions may be asked for clarification.
Call time out. When conflict begins, call for a break. Admit that conflict seems imminent and suggest a 30-minute break in the discussion. Set a time and place for continuing the discussion, then come back when emotions are calmer.
Identify the problem. Calmly come to agreement on the problem, being willing to accept the other person’s identification of the cause of the problem.
Brainstorm resolutions. Make a written list of possible solutions to the problem - both immediate solution and long-term agreements that avoid future instances of this problem.
Determine plans. Take constructive actions based on possible solutions. Identify what each person in the conflict must do, and agree to uphold your part of the agreement. If you think it will help, write a contract that both parties sign and place this where both parties can review it if necessary.
Follow through.
Periodically you will find yourself facing another instance of the kind of problem you have resolved using this approach. Return to the contract or written agreement and remind one another of each role and list of actions expected in this situation.
No one can anticipate every problem that families and couples will face. But learning early to resolve conflict calmly and actively will help everyone live together better. Family life is a learning process for everyone. We really do need all the help we can get.
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