Calm Fathers

Written by Ken R. Canfield, Ph.D.

Steve and his teenage son were consistently at odds. He criticized his son’s schoolwork, clothes, and attitude. Steve’s business was at a turning point and added to his stress. One night an intense verbal exchange turned physical. Steve grabbed his son, pulled him to the floor, and held him down while yelling directives. Then, in a move that Steve mistakenly thought was healthy “tough love,” he laid down the law: “Son, it’s my way or the highway.”

A Father's Words Of Wisdom

That was seven years ago. Steve tearfully confesses he has not seen or heard from his son in five years. “It feels like he’s dead,” Steve said. “I hope and pray that I’ll get another chance.”

Steve learned the hard way about a quality that all fathers need to develop — calmness. Though this story may be extreme, none of us can claim always to be under control when relating to our children. Many of us have busy schedules, high expectations, and rising stress levels that make it challenging to keep a level head with our children. Every child needs a dad who is approachable and accepting, who listens to his child’s concerns and remains open to his ideas, who is slow to anger and who seldom overreacts, and who makes his children feel comfortable and secure.

Calmness in the Bible

In Scripture, the word “calm” is most often associated with storms — as when Jesus spoke, and “the wind died down and it was completely calm” (Mark 4:39), or when Jonah was thrown overboard and “the raging sea grew calm” (Jonah 1:15). A turbulent sea growing calm might be a useful word picture to remember when we are about to lose it when dealing with the daily battles of fathering toddlers and tweenagers.

Calmness is essential if a father is to obey two New Testament exhortations directed specifically to fathers.

The first verse instructs: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Often children become exasperated when their fathers use harsh or critical words. It can be exasperating to a daughter when she brings home a less-than-perfect score on an assignment and the first thing her dad says is, “Which ones did you get wrong?”

A father might exasperate his son by going overboard and nagging him about table manners or daily chores around the house and finish by saying, “How are you going to amount to anything when you can’t even get this right?” Or a dad might place high expectations on his children that they cannot possibly fulfill or speak harshly without first listening and understanding his children. On the other hand, calm, composed, faithful fathers teach and even discipline their children without driving them to exasperation.

The second passage is Colossians 3:21: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” Embittering can take many forms. It can be as simple as making a promise and never fulfilling it. Embitterment can result from doing something hurtful and failing to ask forgiveness. Flippant, everyday comments or unkind jokes can discourage rather than build up children.

At times, Jesus expressed anger and outrage, but it always was directed toward a higher purpose. We never read about Him being angry with children. Jesus was tender, compassionate, and loving. He had His emotions under control.

Like the storm, we need the peace of Christ to avoid exasperating and discouraging our children.

A Daily Challenge

Not long ago I was at a hardware store picking up supplies for a household project. Down the aisle came a dad with two small children. He and the 3-year-old boy were arguing back and forth in loud, irritating tones: “Yes!” “No!” “Yes!” “No!” “Yes!” “No!” On and on they went.

I noticed several customers moving toward other parts of the store. But after a few more uncomfortable moments, I moved closer to the arguing pair. When I got close, I saw what was really happening. The boy had Down syndrome, the father was actually very calm, and neither one was upset in any way. They were having fun! Apparently this dad had discovered a unique way to connect with his son. I walked away with a memorable lesson about calm fathering.

Is there ever a place for expressing outrage or other strong emotions to your children? Certainly, but only if you are sure that your emotion has a higher purpose, and it is not an impulse reaction. Do not mistake calmness with leniency and permissiveness. Calm dads still can have high expectations and discipline their children, but it is much more likely that they will be able to keep their cool. They will take the time to handle conflicts in a way that teaches instead of simply trying to restore order to the household.

A Lesson Learned

My friend Steve learned the hard way that when we lose our temper and yell at our children, slam doors, curse, or discipline them too harshly, we are doing damage that is hard to overcome. We may see our error, muster our courage and apologize, and our children may forgive us. But it takes time to truly forget — for our children and for us.

Keep your cool, dad. Take steps now to monitor your stress level and find specific strategies to help remain calm. Make “calmness” one of your goals and find ways to remind yourself of that commitment every day. You are going to be tested! Your family will occasionally put you on an emotional roller coaster. But remain calm and demonstrate self-control.

The “Calmness Factor”

While studying qualities displayed by effective fathers, the National Center for Fathering noticed a trend that was not purposefully looked for, but it was obvious nonetheless. I call it the “calmness factor,” and developed an acronym to explain the components of this factor. Using the acronym CALM, there are four ways calm dads distinguish themselves.

CALM dads are Consistent. They do not change like the weather; they are predictable and steady in their moods and behavior. Their word can be counted on, and their children know what to expect from them. They also respond positively and calmly during crisis or other stressful times.

CALM dads are guided by a strong Awareness of their children’s developmental issues, desires, and needs, and are alert to circumstances their children are facing. They know when a child is upset or has had a tough day. They have reasonable expectations of their children and act on their awareness by giving each child individual time and attention.

CALM fathers are skillful Listeners and important sounding boards for their children’s daily concerns. They listen carefully, without interrupting, and give their children freedom to express themselves. They do not lose it when a child says something unexpected. They are patient with mistakes.

CALM fathers are mature Models. Their lifestyles demonstrate behaviors they hope their children will emulate, including a willingness to be humble and seek forgiveness for any wrongdoing. They also point out mature, praiseworthy conduct in others.

Action Points for Calm Fathers

• Ask your wife to help you identify when your tone of voice becomes harsh and what effect it has on your children.
• At the dinner table, tell each child a positive quality you have noticed in him.
• When disciplining your child, explain why his behavior is wrong and provide affirmation and restoration afterward.
• When your child is speaking to you, be sure to remove any distractions (TV, newspaper, computer, and so forth) that might discourage him from talking or hinder you from understanding.
• Be willing to admit when you have been wrong or harsh with your child. Practice these words: “I was wrong. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”
• Plan a healthy, positive response for the next time you are angry with your children.
• Examine your behavior at your child’s sports events and ask your family to let you know when you are out of line.

Dr. Ken R. Canfield is founder and president of the National Center for Fathering. He and his wife, Dee, have been married 25 years and have five children. Visit his Web site at www.fathers.com.

Used by Permission. National Center for Fathering.