9 Tips for Improving Your Ability to Listen

Written by Richard E. Dodge

Recently someone asked me how to become a good listener. With tongue bulging out my cheek, I quipped: Learn to stop talking. While there’s an element of truth to this idea, my response could have been a roadblock for developing the ability to listen for this person.

Later we talked about some serious ways to become a good listener. As I thought about the positive side of listening skills—looking into the other person’s eyes, find a quiet place to talk, be empathic, and so forth—I also thought about what other ways we can hinder communication and becoming a good listener. Several thoughts came to mind.

 

Stay focused. The mind can process information quickly, faster than the mouth can voice our thoughts. Avoid letting your mind wander while the other person tried to put thoughts into words.

Avoid filtering messages. Listen to all that is said, not just bits and pieces. Put the pieces together to hear the whole message. Avoid selective hearing, or hearing only what we want to hear.

Avoid comparisons. What we hear can be filtered also by comparing what a person has said or done with something someone else has said or done. Each person is unique and has unique circumstances from which flow one’s thoughts and actions. Refrain from giving advice or making assessments based on how someone else handled a similar circumstance.

Listen to the whole message. It’s easy to begin thinking about what you might say to an early comment, thus missing other parts of the conversation. Avoid thinking about what you might say or do until after hearing all that needs to be said.

Avoid personal comparisons. While you may feel that you can identify with a certain action, behavior or circumstance, remember that many people are more interested in your ability to listen empathetically rather than hearing what you have experienced in other situations. They want you to hear them!

Avoid the advice trap. Most of us are not trained to give professional advice. All too often, the speaker really doesn’t want advice anyway; they just want to be heard.

Don’t make detours. We sometimes feel the best approach for helping someone with problems is to get them thinking about something else. So we take off conversationally on other paths that we hope will reduce the emotional strain. However, detours suggest that we really don’t want to hear what the other person is saying. If the speaker starts headed in another direction, you also might want to steer the conversation back to the central issue.

Don’t block feelings. Expressing emotions can be a very therapeutic experience. Never tell a person, “Don’t feel that way” or tell someone not to cry. Emotions are real and should be faced and experienced so that we can move on to more healthy expressions of self and emotions.

Avoid the “Rogerian grunt” approach. Carl Rogers is noted for his contribution to non-directive psychology, of allowing the patient to express thoughts and feelings while the therapist offers occasional comments such as “Yes,” “I know,” and other neutral comments. Unfortunately this can be interpreted as nothing more than placating the speaker and that you are not really interested or listening.

Listening is a skill, and even those interested in professions in psychotherapy still have to learn listening skills. So it should come as no surprise that church leaders have to practice to become good listeners.

Listening skills are needed by all church leaders. One resource that can help all leaders develop these skills is  Equipping Deacons in Caring Skills – Volume 1 .

Richard E. Dodge teaches young adults in Sunday School at Una Baptist Church, Nashville, and is Internet Producer, LifeWay Church Resources, Nashville, TN.

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