Where Have All the Manners Gone?

Written by June Hines Moore

One of the troubles in the world today is that we allowed the Golden Rule to
become a bit tarnished.   Martin Vanbee

Every time I turned my back I heard snickering and  muffled gasps. What was going on with my young, well-groomed charges at this their first etiquette class? Were they telling jokes? Maybe they were just embarrassed. Girls and boys are shy with each other at this age. The boys were probably showing off. Could this be a sign of trouble ahead?

This class of fifth graders represented some of the finest families in the city. On a gray Saturday morning in November, they gathered in Little Rock at the historic Capitol Hotel with all its formality and elegance—the ideal place to learn the finer points of social grace.

 Built in 1876 the elegant hotel is reminiscent of a grand antebellum plantation mansion. Entering through the portico, we take an enchanting stroll back to a more romantic and genteel time. The ionic columns support the overhanging mezzanine just beneath a magnificent stained glass skylight. The lobby floor shines with mosaic tiles and daintily patterned carpet leading to an ornate, winding stairway to the mezzanine. The center of the lobby offers a plush tapestried sofa inviting guests to rest or wait for a companion.

From the lobby I watched my first two students arrive. Chauffeured by one or both of their parents and escorted through the doorway by the hotel valets, the children approached me as I greeted each of them. The frills and lace and stylish hair of pretty little girls impressed me with promise. The handsome young men wore ties with suits or sport coats and slacks, but expensive clothes were not the issue. I wanted to teach them to behave properly when they dressed in what we once called “our Sunday best.”

Curious bystanders might think the children just left the funeral of their pet turtle. Their somber faces stared as though they were about to enter the principal’s office for a scolding—or worse. These quiet, stiff, and docile children promised to be a dream class with no conduct problems. So far, I was elated with my first impression of these children.

Then one by one the girls sauntered over to the circular sofa in the center of the lobby. I saw each girl plop while spreading her legs as if straddling a seesaw. Obviously wearing dresses was not their daily custom. I knew right away we would need to work on a little feminine charm. That would be easy enough. What were the boys doing? They huddled over to the side. Some had their hands stuffed in their pockets, some jerked nervously at their ties, and still others tossed imaginary balls through the air. My first impression took on some tarnished edges, but after all, they were here to learn and I was in charge.

An hour later, however, my puzzlement at the snickering and hushed gasps now bordered on alarm. Suddenly, I whirled around and caught a glimpse of a roll sailing through the air and little Mary poking at her nose with a limp carrot sliver. Brian was dunking his white, starched napkin in his green broccoli soup, while Patty ate sugar cubes between courses.

You may have been born a princess, but you will have to learn to be a lady.
A QUEEN OF ENGLAND TO ONE OF HER GRANDDAUGHTERS

What had I gotten myself into? It’s no wonder these caring, perceptive parents were so anxious to get their children in this class of limited enrollment. They must have thought I was a manners magician. I felt more like the manners police.

Was this class unusual? I don’t think so. For me, it was only the first of many, each with its own set of antics and funny stories. Perhaps you, too, see uncivilized children everywhere. Have you ever dined with your child or grandchild in the school cafeteria? What about a fast-food place? Perhaps you see children today smacking gum, saying yeah, huh, and yep when they answer the telephone and yelling, “Hey Mom, it’s for you!”

What is a parent to do? In an age when we go for hamburgers or tacos at the drive-up window, families no longer sit down together to eat a warm, quiet dinner where everyone discusses the events of the day. You know the kind—where parents instill values and philosophies into their children and lay firm, spiritual foundations. Family relationships grow deeper. Marriages grow stronger as partners teach their children how commitment looks and feels.

All is not lost. Just as computers and new technologies change our lifestyle, we have to look for creative ways to bring back old-fashioned manners and respect. I can’t provide the needed twenty-six-hour day, but I can offer methods and fun activities that families can use to cultivate and nurture civility in our children—our leaders of tomorrow.
To be well mannered, our children must confidently meet and greet people, introduce themselves and others, use the telephone properly, become gracious hosts and guests, write thank-you notes, and dine gracefully.

Our moral and public behavior distinguishes us from animals. Parents today have an awesome responsibility, and we get little or no help from society. Something happened over the last twenty-five years that drastically changed our behavior. Kindness and consideration for others’ feelings have traded places with “who cares?” and “what’s in it for me?”

Part 2 of this article will be coming soon. 

This article is an excerpt from June Hines Moore's book You Can Raise a Well-Mannered Child and is provided courtesy of Broadman & Holman Publishers.

June Hines Moore designs and conducts interpersonal communication seminars for universities, corporations, and professional and Christian organizations. She has taught social graces from a Christian perspective to more than 500 children and teens, and is the author of the "Moore on Manners" column in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette.

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