How to Teach Your Children Patience
This article is courtesy of ParentLife.
We live in a “Now!” culture. Two-year-old Kim shouts, “I wanna cookie now, Mommy!” Eight-year-old Ned demands: “I’m gonna play my Nintendo game now! I’ll do my homework later!” And 16-year-old Sidney yells at his boss: “I’m quitting this crummy job now! You can’t boss me!”
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One of the best definitions of maturity is “one’s ability to postpone present pleasures for future good.” We can reinoculate this value of healthy maturity into our culture’s priorities by being more patient adults. And it is possible to teach the idea of delayed gratification to children.
A Baby's Needs
When 3-week-old Carly cries, she may be hungry, wet, cold, or simply need cuddling. Allowing her to cry a minute will exercise her lungs and entire body, and she will begin to learn that she is responsible for bringing Mommy or Daddy to her. Carly cries, a parent responds, and Carly learns that she and her needs are important. Carly feels safe and learns to trust her parents.
Crying is a baby’s way of communicating with her caretakers. It is incorrect to think that parents who anticipate and eagerly respond to baby's every need are unwittingly creating habits of expecting instant gratification. This assumes incorrectly that newborns can possibly manipulate his parents.
As you parent, you will find that each child is different. Some babies are born with more adaptability and less intensity of emotional expression. Such babies need more rapid response from parents, or they will give up expressing needs.
Parents of babies who adapt poorly to change and react with great intensity should wait a few seconds longer to respond than do parents of calmer babies. In this waiting, the infants will learn patience. Bit by bit, you will get to know your baby’s temperament and ideal time to wait before meeting her needs.
Preschool Years
By 2 years of age, it is normal for children to begin striving for independence in a way that will continue until adulthood. Now is the time to establish clear boundaries.
A well-defined but flexible schedule gives these children a sense of order, consistency, and security. Meal and snack times should fit a child’s activity and hunger needs. Maintaining regular rest times teaches them to wait for the gratification of playtime.
Meeting your child’s needs for eating, sleeping, and play can be planned in such a way that he will learn to choose one thing or another. The gentle good humor you use to enforce living within limits will teach postponing present excitement for future good
These early management techniques lay the foundation for postponing immediate pleasure or gratifying a child’s every whim.
By the age of 3, children usually have learned how to play by themselves for a short time and will slowly learn to play with others in the preschool years. This is a good period for teaching children to take turns and share.
Parenting Choices
During preschool years, parents must continually guide children, providing clear boundaries and teachable moments to lay foundations of right and wrong.
James Garbarino in his book Parents Under Siege notes that in a material world the metaphors of products and investments are helpful to understand parenting tasks. Children are products, and parents’ time is their investment toward what the end product will resemble.
Parents must make long-term investments in their children, seeing that their time is spent reading, doing homework, participating in community service, taking music or art lessons, and playing sports. These skills will help a child in the long run, and in return his family and all of society will benefit.
Instead, many parents are making choices that are short-term investments. For convenience sake, parents choose to baby-sit their children with TV for extended periods of time. Some parents choose to fuel the obsession with material things by buying the latest toys and games. It is the parents’ responsibility to see that their child’s time is spent in activities that will have long-term investments.1
Three Anchors
But what about children that are needy and seem naturally to rebel? Most children will fit this description at some time or another. However, some children seem predisposed to resist authority.
These children particularly need a combination of social, psychological, and spiritual anchors. Children respond best to a highly structured home environment, and with adults who are consistent, unified, and unrelenting that their children walk a straight path.
Children also need stable relationships and a strong spiritual foundation from parents. The church community provides the opportunity to reinforce spiritual beliefs and provide social opportunities for growth.2
1 James Garbarino, Parents Under Siege (New York: The Free Press, 2001).
2 James Garbarino, Lost Boys (New York: Anchor Books, 1999).
Dr. Grace Ketterman is a psychiatrist from Kansas City, Missouri. She and her husband, Herbert, have three children.
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Outstanding. Dr. Grace is a wise and Godly professional. She is a gracious and lovely lady. Her counsel is always based on God's Word.