When a Spouse Leaves for a Homosexual Partner
The distress call may come in various forms. The phone rings. A person stops you in the hall before the worship service. A knock comes on the door late at night. Your beeper goes off. The message goes something like this:
"Pastor, I need to talk. John has left me. He told me today that he is gay and that he is in love with another man. He says that he can’t continue living this charade. I’m so confused. I thought that he loved me. He says that he still does. But he says that our relationship is over."
What feelings does this short message evoke in you? How will you respond? How do you counsel someone whose spouse has left them for a homosexual partner?
Personal Beliefs and Feelings About Homosexuality
More and more, societal messages normalizing homosexuality are creating a permissiveness that spawns situations just like this. Strident homosexual rights proponents have spearheaded claims of “genetic legacy” that speculate about the existence of a “gay gene” to give “permission granted” for corresponding behavior that may follow the dominant mantra of “if it feels good, do it.” This modern-day “tolerance cult” seems to encourage almost universal acceptance, except for conservative or evangelical Christian values which are aggressively attacked as homophobic or “out of date.” While the focus of this article is not homosexuality per se, biblical and theological clarity are important. The Bible speaks clearly on the issue of homosexual activity, dealing with it as both a sin and an abomination (Leviticus 18:22; 20:13; Romans 1:26-32).
How does the caregiver understand this phenomenon? To what extent has he or she been willing to wrestle with understanding what moves persons to choose this lifestyle? To this end, it is significant that caregivers make the critical distinction between homosexual orientation and lifestyle. Persons may experience attraction to others of the same gender without acting on that attraction. This may occur for a variety of reasons which have nothing to do with the so-called “gay gene.” While it is easy to preach about the sin, it is harder and more compassionate to attempt to understand just how difficult this temptation is for many people. What would it be like to feel attraction only for persons of the same gender? for as long as one could remember? While one may argue that married persons are attracted every day to persons of the opposite sex but choose not to act on these attractions, the comparison falls short. The choice to deny one’s orientation may lead to a life of celibacy, especially in those cases where persons experience no desire for, or interest in, members of the opposite sex.
While in some cases groups like Exodus International have helped persons overcome their orientation toward same-sex relationships and to move with satisfaction and fulfillment to sustain or begin heterosexual marriages, this is not always the case. As caregivers, we must not underestimate the difficulty or gravity of the struggle that many have with homosexual desires.
If it is important that caregivers pay close attention to their own beliefs and feelings, as well as attempting to understand the homosexuality-oriented person, it is more critical still that they listen to the pain, questions, and assumptions of the individual who has been abandoned. This careful listening will help communicate empathy and shape later interventions relating to understanding, communication, moving through the process of grief, and dealing with forgiveness. One must understand that besides the label homosexual, there exist other labels that may be equally shaming, including the labels of infidelity, separation, and divorce.
The Role of Shame
Existential shame entered this world post Edenically. Outside the garden humankind realized that there is somehow an essential flaw in our very being.
Indeed, we now see this clearly in that everything that God created for good, humans have managed to corrupt, including our sexuality and penchant for relationships. While a sense of existential shame haunts each person at the very heart and edges of the soul, certain life prompters seem to make us more acutely aware of our “dirty creation” (see Gen. 2:7a) and less aware of the truth that we are also made in the image of God (Gen. 1:27) and infused with His very breath (Gen. 2:7b). Among these are rejection, abandonment, and betrayal.
According to Frank Pittman, infidelity can be defined as “a breach of the trust, a betrayal of a relationship, a breaking of an agreement.”1 This breaking of the trust often leads the one betrayed to become profoundly aware of his or her own shame or the sense of somehow being flawed to a degree which seems much more pronounced than the rest of creation. Internalizing Job’s comforters, the betrayed frequently ask questions like, “What have I done to bring this evil to pass?”
Not only does the infidelity serve as a a trigger for shame, but also separation and divorce serve to separate persons from community just at the time they need it most. Insensitive churches and ministers may thus reinforce the shame that persons are already feeling. As one betrayed spouse who grew up in the church put it, “No one in my family gets divorced. It was real easy before I was divorced to see divorced people and say, ‘Why can’t they get it together?’” Ministering to persons whose spouse has left for a homosexual partner will mean that the caregiver pay attention to shame issues at multiple levels. Infidelity, separation and divorce, and homosexuality are three levels that must be addressed.
Counseling Approaches
Effective Christian counseling for marriage partners reeling from homosexual infidelity must be multisystemic, community- focused, and centered on biblical truth. “Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain” (Psalms 127:1, NIV).2
Counselors must recognize that the betrayed suffer at multiple levels. This pain is not compartmentalized to any one venue; it is flushed throughout the multisystemic world of the counselee. Questions are legion. How will the betrayed deal with their spouse (or ex-spouse)? their children? their parents? their “out-laws”? What answers will they give to well-intentioned friends at church, at work, or next door? What will this mean in the larger life of the community or small town, large church, pint-sized parish, or personal business? How might the betrayed suffer a crisis of faith in light of this critical wound to trust? Counselors serve as midwives to the process of working through questions born of grief. Counselors may also choose to take pastoral initiative to address and confront the partner who has left in order to seek the possibility of restoration and reconciliation.
Counselors must utilize their skills in helping persons navigate the whitewaters of grief.— This will mean recognizing and encouraging persons as they experience shock and numbness, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These may be experienced both in anticipation of events that have not yet occurred and as a final stage of grief takes hold.
Counselors must seek to move persons beyond the gridlock of blaming to the possibility of forgiveness. - Inevitably many persons will blame themselves, their partner, a third party, or God. As Peggy Vaughan writes: I’m still trying to cope with the reasons for his affairs: too fat, too skinny, too much sex, too little sex, too neat, too sloppy - and the list goes on and on.
I can’t help but feel inadequate. My thoughts are “What’s wrong with me?” Was I not successful enough to suit her? What was she looking for that I didn’t provide? 3 While persons must be assisted in identifying their various “blame targets,” they also should be discouraged from giving in to ritual catharsis resulting in a “root of bitterness” that will ultimately rob them of joy and keep them from moving with hope into the rich process of forgiveness.
Counselors must help individuals understand the process of forgiveness. It has been said that forgiveness only occurs when the person offended begins to realize that they are more like the person who hurt them than they are different. According to John Patton, forgiveness is not: forgetting; condoning; absolving others of responsibility for causing pain and hurt; playing the martyr; or a clean-cut, one-time decision.4 Forgiveness is:
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a discovery, as opposed to an act, wherein one recognizes the extent to which God has enacted forgiveness;
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something that happens as a sign of self-esteem, as persons choose to quit building identity around something that happened in the past;
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realizing that one no longer needs hatred or resentments and can live without the need to punish the persons who caused the pain;
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a decision to use the energy that was once consumed by rage and resentment to move on with life.5
Wise caregivers will skillfully find ways to keep persons connected to community through such diverse means as: Bible study; prayer teams; support groups which may focus on grief, transition, or divorce; or activities ministries like bowling, basketball, or crafts. With appropriate permission secured, caregivers may also help alert others in the community to possibilities for one-onone ministry. Persons who have been through similar “tough times” are often excellent resources as they have the chance to offer the unique gift of the “wounded healer.”
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