Helping Students Overcome the Hurdles of Adolescence

Written by Cheri Fuller

The hurdles teens encounter during their four years of high school are big challenges for teens and their parents. How adults handle these challenges can make a big difference in a teenager's transition to adulthood. Youth need opportunities to learn on their own. The following are a few hurdles that all teens face that can produce growth experiences. Share these with the parents of your students to help them better understand their teenagers.

Hurdle #1: Independence
To achieve autonomy, teens often try to push parents away and ignore their set boundaries. Teens struggle to become self-sufficient individuals. This striving for independence is a great opportunity for parents to move from a directive role to a more supportive, mentoring role - a change that will allow the teen room to grow.

Avoid the Pitfall: When a teen pushes parents away, mom and dad often respond by distancing themselves or getting so busy with their own pursuits they don't have time for their teen. But remind parents that it's vital not to pull away or sever the relationship during adolescence. Parenting teens is like being on two opposite ends of a rope in a tug of war. If the parents let go of the rope, the teen may fall down completely and may feel like they don't care. If parents and their teen keep tugging and continue negotiating, they get closer to the middle.

James 1:19 gives parents great advice for relating to their teens in this hurdle: "Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear" (The Message). Or as the traditional rendering of the verse says, "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger."

Hurdle #2: Setting Realistic Limits
For many families there are constant battles over curfews, household chores, and other rules. But providing a safe, secure structure is one of the best ways to support teens in the midst of constant change. Setting consistent limits like curfews, guidelines for chores, activities, and driving rules, parents can coach teens in wise decision making and be able to counsel them when they make a mistake or need help.

The middle school and high school years need to be the practice field for overcoming the hurdles of life. Let teens practice while parents and significant adults can still observe, coach, and affirm. Parents must remember to transfer responsibility and control in small ways; then increase a student's responsibility as he grows in his healthy independence.

Avoid the Pitfall: The toughest challenge is finding a balance between rigidity and permissiveness. When kids have authoritarian parents who give them no choices, are rigid, and won't discuss things or listen, they feel trapped and develop low self-esteem. With permissive, anything-goes parenting, there's a high rate of defiance and negative acting out. But research shows that positive, authoritative parents who enforce standards, talk things over with their teens, engage in joint decision making, and show lots of warmth and love see less defiant behavior. They have better communication with their teens, and the teens achieve more in school.

Hurdle #3: Correcting Mistakes
You may have seen a "good kid" get busted for doing a bad thing and wrestle with the outcome. The consequences can add up to anything from school suspension to something more serious. Yes, everybody makes mistakes, and parents' roles here are extremely important to teenagers in this situation. Parents and other significant adults in students' lives should be supportive of the teen and listen to him tell his side of the story. Adults can be sympathetic to a student's plight while still taking a firm stand for what is right.

Although we hope our teens won't get into serious trouble or violate limits, sometimes it happens. What if a student violates a trust, wrecks the car, comes in at 2 a.m. instead of at curfew, or skips school to hang out with friends? Successfully dealing with inevitable mistakes, both small and large, plays a major part in helping teens gain confidence and learn the skills necessary to tackle real-life problems on their own.

Avoid the Pitfall: Experts say one of the biggest traps parents fall into is protecting children from the consequences of their mistakes. When we constantly rescue our teens, they learn dependence and irresponsibility. Not holding them accountable sends this message: "I tolerate this behavior, so therefore I approve of it." Teens need to learn to deal with the results of their mistakes directly.

When the violation has been major, parents should try to reestablish trust in small steps. As the teen behaves responsibly, he can have more privileges or freedom. Remind parents not to impose penalties or consequences too harsh for the mistake.

Cheri Fuller is an inspirational speaker and a Gold Medallion-award winning author of 28 books. She is founder of Families Pray USA, which aims to equip, encourage, and inspire parents, children, and grandparents to impact their world through prayer.

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