24 Hour Counselor: My Parents Don't Trust Me

Hi. I'm John, and thanks for coming to this site. I hope you are ready to hear some things about an important area of our lives--how we get along with our parents when they don't seem to trust us.

Almost every teenager in the world at one time or another has felt like his parents don't trust him. I have had that feeling since the sixth grade! My parents are neat people. But when I feel distrusted, I need help. When I am the one caught in the crunch, I need some answers.

That's the whole idea behind this web site: it’s for teenagers like you and me to be able to hear someone who can help with our everyday questions and problems.

There is someone I would like for you to meet who is qualified on this subject from two standpoints. He is a parent. He has had two teenagers of his own. And he has admitted that there have been some times when he had to deal with this question of trust in his home.

His name is Pat Clendinning. He is a professional counselor who talks with parents and youth about their relationships. And I believe he can help us think through some of these issues.

Pat, I get so confused sometimes as to what part of this is my imagination and what part of it is real. And if it is real, is it my parents' imagination, or do they have a legitimate complaint? Does that make sense?

Pat: I think all of those possibilities are real from time to time, John. Maybe you think they don't trust you when that is really not the case. But there is no doubt that there are times when they probably don't. Right or wrong, they just don't trust you.

John: Sometimes I know I have done something that caused them not to trust me, but there are also times when I don't think I have done anything at all and I feel like they are not trusting me. It might be good to know some of the legitimate causes of parents not trusting their kids.

Pat: I think this is one you could answer for yourself. Tell me what issues of trust really bother you.

John: The example I think of first is not being trusted about curfew. I think everybody has that one at times. Parents probably have a reason for not trusting their kids at times. But there are other times, Pat, when I think that kids could really be trusted to stay out later than parents let them.

Pat: I'll agree with that.

John: How about when they won't let you use the car when you need to? I mean that is probably legitimate sometimes, but what are you going to do if you don't have a car of your own?

I know this girl who is really mad at her father right now for not letting her use the car. She had the car a month ago and let her boyfriend drive it and he raced another guy. He really messed up the right front fender and the door. I think it is legitimate not to trust her, not for a while at least.

Pat: I will agree on that one, too.

John: OK. What about when someone asks his parents for some money and he doesn’t want to tell them what he needs it for? It seems that would be a legitimate reason for not trusting.

Pat: Those are good examples, John. I’m glad you recognize that sometimes there are real circumstances when parents should distrust the child. But just as you said, there are times when it could go either way.

I think the parent should give the teenager some opportunities to prove himself, to gain some experience, or to learn how to do something by himself.

I remember a situation with a sixteen-year-old in Georgia who went with his dad to get his driver's license on the morning of his birthday. He passed the tests and did a good job. At lunch the younger brother asked, "Can somebody take me to church for play practice?" So the father let the new driver take his brother to church. The son had worked hard at becoming a good driver and had given evidence that thus far, at least, he could be trusted.

John: That was neat; he deserved it.

Pat: And that's the key, John. Let’s go back to the issue of curfew. Suppose the teenager comes in much later than the agreed-on curfew time; he gives a legitimate reason, but the parent doesn't believe him. The teen may be telling the truth 100 percent, but parent remembers the history. If it has happened a number of times, the parent probably isn’t going to accept any excuses.

For instance, suppose a teenager comes in 45 minutes late and he says it's because he ran out of gas. If it's the first time this has happened, I would be inclined to accept it and not fuss about it. Maybe just a warning that he ought to be more careful next time. But if this happens four weekends out of five, I'd begin to distrust him and wonder what was really going on.

John: Well, I can admit that's pretty logical. What about this example: The parents of one of my friends don't seem to trust her to pick out her own friends. They always want to know who she is going out with. They want to meet the guy and talk with him. How do you feel about that?

Pat: I think this is another case that depends on past history and attitude. If the teenager has had a record of picking friends who seem to influence her to make wrong decisions, I think it's the responsible thing for the parent to do.

Attitude counts, too. If I asked a question and my son or daughter got defensive, then I might be inclined to distrust. But if my teenager easily agreed to ask his friends over and let me get to know them a little, that would make a difference.

John: What about my friend and her dates?

Pat: The same issues would apply, not because I distrust, but because I feel I have a responsibility under God for my children. And one part of that responsibility is trying to guide them to friends who would have a positive influence on their lives.

That's a tough one for parents, John. I think most want to trust, but they sometimes feel they have to exercise their responsibility, also. Parents sometimes have to make some decisions that are unpopular and, occasionally, they will be wrong.

I think I understand why your friends get angry. The teen years are all about growing up, and it's not fun to get the message that you are not grown up enough yet to make your own decisions. It takes a lot of patience, because no one grows up overnight. And even as teenagers do mature, parents sometimes are slow to see the maturity.

Not being trusted feels like being a child all over again--having to let mom and dad make all my decisions for me. This certainly would be a cause for some unpleasant emotions.

John: I know we say a lot of times that our parents just don't understand. Maybe we don't either. But isn't it true that sometimes parents really don't understand us or they aren't sympathetic with our growing up pains?

Pat: You are absolutely right. At times parents are very aware of what you are going through, but there are some times when they aren't aware. They have forgotten what it was like when they were teenagers, or they are too busy to see what is going on. Or maybe they are just preoccupied with some other things.

I would be the first to say that parents need to be more aware of what is going on, and need to be more sympathetic with the growth process that is sometimes rather painful. They could sometimes be quicker to trust when there is a reason to, and more helpful to the teenager when there is not a reason to be trusting.

John: I think all my friend would agree with that.

Pat: The other side of it, John, is that teenagers need to try to be more understanding of their parents. Most parents try to do a good job of rearing their children and want them to be as well equipped as possible when they leave home. Many times parents don't know the best way to go about it, but it’s what they want to do. It helps to make sure your parents feel you understand them are grateful for what they try to do for you.

Second, try to remember that parents are under a lot of pressure with all of their responsibility. Parents can't always give the time they would like to understand their children and work with them. They may be impatient, just as teenagers are sometimes impatient, when things are not going smoothly.

John: I haven't thought about that very much.

Pat: Teenagers need to be understanding of where their parents are, physically and emotionally. Just as teenagers have a lot of changes going on in their bodies that affect a lot of other things, so there are changes going on in adults.

The mother, for example, may be going through menopause, and this can affect a person's nerves and emotions as well as physical body. And a father could be experiencing a crisis where he is reviewing his goals in life and needing to set his direction for the next couple of decades.

Parents have a lot of pressure on them to stay on top of everything that is going on around them. And it would be a real help for teenagers to understand that.

And then parents sometimes just have a hard job knowing what to do. Parenting is not an exact science, John. And each of their children is different. Sometimes, the issue is not distrust. A decision may need to be made simply for the proper rearing of their child.

When parents read about the number of teenage pregnancies, how many of today's teenagers are doing drugs and getting into trouble, and especially the number of teenage suicides, well, a lot of them are scared. They don't want to take any chances. They want so badly for you to grow up the right way, healthy and happy, that they might make some mistakes just bending over backwards to make sure everything is OK.

John: I probably need to do a lot of thinking about that. I haven’t spent much time thinking about their problems. If I want them to understand and trust me, it's only fair that I try to understand and trust them.

Pat: That is a great way to start dealing with it, John. Try to understand each other. That's right in line with one of my favorite passages of Scripture, Ephesians 6:1-4. It's a favorite because it deals with mutually responsibility. The first three verses speak of a child's responsibilities to obey and honor their parents. The other side is in verse 4.

The word "fathers" I think could be rightly understood as, "parents": "Don’t stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4, HCSB).¹ Parents should love and honor their children, and children should not provoke their parents to anger. The Lord has given us this as a guideline to good relationships between parents and their children.

John: Does trust just naturally come about when everyone respects each other?

Pat: Trust doesn't automatically happen. I think good communication is the answer, John.

This is a case where teenagers can take the initiative in improving the situation. It won't be the easiest thing in the world, but it sure would be worth a try. I can imagine the teenager thinking through this very carefully as to what he or she will say--then approaching the parents in a way that says, "I want things to improve. I admit I am not perfect and I want things to be better."

It will not be easy, but a teenager could say something like: "I was reading something online about parents and teenagers and trust in the family. It suggested read and think about Ephesians 6:1-4 in the Bible. That seems like an important foundation for our relationships, and I wanted to talk with you about it.

I know I haven't always obeyed and honored you, and I know that I have provoked you to anger. I would like to work on sharpening that up. I wondered if I really worked on improving my side of it, then would you be willing to work on trusting me more? I think it will take a lot of understanding each other, but it seems that this would be a good way for us to fix some things and enjoy each other a lot more."

John: I think I would really have to work on saying something like that, but it could be done. I know there would be the possibility that the parents could laugh at it and say, "You just take care of your part and everything will be all right." But it sure would be worth a try.

If I felt my parents were respecting me or trusting me more, I know I would try harder to keep their trust.

Pat: Nobody can guarantee success, John, but it can't hurt to try it.

John: How can that approach be used with a specific situation—like the parents wanting to know where the teenager is going and who he’s going to be with?

Pat: Approach them the same way with your message carefully worked out, maybe like this: "I remember you were kind of upset a few weeks ago when you didn't know who I was going out with. And I don't want us to get into that argument again. I am going out with a new girl at school tonight. Would you like me to bring her over to the house so you could meet her?"

Your parents are getting what they want, and they are hearing you say that you don't have anything to hide or be ashamed of. And that you are sorry. That helps a lot with trust.

Let's suppose it is a question of where you are going and how late you are going to be out. Why not say to your parents, "We want to go to a movie tonight and it doesn't get out until about 10:00. And then we want to get something to eat, probably at Tony's Pizza. By the time we get everybody home, it will be around 11:45 before I get in. Is that OK?"

This gives them the information before they have to ask for it. It says, "You can trust me." Then, of course, you have got to show them you meant it and that you can be trusted again.

John: But what if you really messed up once or twice? Will they ever believe you again?

Pat: Well, you will have to be patient. And you'll really have to prove yourself. But I think in almost every instance, it will work out in time. You regain your trust when you have shown yourself to be trustworthy. I don't know of a parent anywhere who wants to keep his teenager in the house forever.

When you finally get your chance to prove you can be trusted, be sure you stay right in line. This proves you are growing in maturity. But even more than that, you have shown yourself that you can handle responsibility and discipline yourself. When you eventually leave home, you can trust yourself with life's responsibilities and opportunities.

John: That's a great word. Any last ideas?

Pat: Well, don't let your frustration get you down when your parents don't trust you. Stay cool. Work at it. Forgive your parents and forgive yourself when you mess up. Look to the future and to better ways of getting along. It's worth it.

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¹Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible^® Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2004 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission.

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The 24-Hour Counselor © 1999, Broadman and Holman Publishers.
All rights reserved. Compiled by Richard Ross.