24 Hour Counselor: My Parents Drink Too Much

Hi. I'm John, and I guess if you are reading this you’re concerned about a friend who has a parent who drinks too much. Or maybe it's your mom or dad and you are feeling embarrassed about what's happening. You want help, but from where? From whom?

Well, I know someone who can help. I have asked my friend, Sarah Hines Martin, to join us. Mrs. Martin is a writer and counselor in private counseling practice. She has counseled a lot of teenagers with problems, people just like you and me. Sarah, thanks for joining us.

Sarah: Thank you, John. I'm glad to be here. Thanks for inviting me.

John: A couple of the kids I know at school have parents who drink too much. I found this out accidentally when I dropped by their homes to get some information about a homework assignment. It upset me just to be there for a little while and see the way the parents acted. It embarrassed my friends. Does a lot of this go on?

Sarah: Well, yes it does. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father, so I know firsthand what that is like. In an average classroom at school, six students have one parent or both who is alcoholic. That means someone who has lost control to alcohol.

At least 20 million children in the US have parents with drinking problems. For every one that you learn about, there are many others who deal with the same situation.

When a child has a parent who is an alcoholic, that is the most important fact in his life. Often, he doesn't realize how much it affects him.

John: What are some of the ways this affects children?

Sarah: They have a lot of loneliness, a feeling that something is wrong. They think that life doesn't make sense. They sometimes even wish they had never been born. They sometimes have irregular attendance at school. They usually are more tired and sleepy than other children. They often don't get their homework done because of chaos in the home. They don't achieve up to their abilities. They can have poor nutrition, and low self-worth. Sometimes, they have drinking problems of their own.

The first thing that disappears when a person becomes an alcoholic is his spirituality, his relationship with God. The spirituality in the home suffers, too. Children can have problems trusting God and believing that He cares for them, since children transfer their images of the earthly father onto the heavenly Father. The problems at home can make it difficult for a child to take part in church activities, to have quiet time in the home to read the Bible and pray, or to have his faith respected.

John: What are some other ways children are affected?

Sarah: Well, they can be verbally abused, physically abused, and sexually abused. They may attempt and complete suicide. Eighty percent of teenage suicides come from alcoholic homes. They may have eating disorders, anorexia, compulsive overeating, and/or bulimia (bingeing and purging).

You said that you found out about your friend's parents accidentally. That doesn't surprise me. The main rule in an alcoholic family is, Don't talk about it. The children agree to keep the secret and not tell what's going on. They feel embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty. They sometimes blame themselves for what their parents are doing.

John: So I might know these friends for a long time, and they would never talk about it with me.

Sarah: Possibly so. Sometimes, a teenager will call out for help to someone who will never know the family personally. Here is a letter that a girl wrote to Billy Graham. She says,

"Dear Dr. Graham: I feel overwhelmed with the problems my family has. You see, my mother is an alcoholic, and for the last five years all I've done is haul her out of the bars and try to make sure she doesn't drive or smoke in bed while she is drunk. My father left us years ago, and we don't know where he is. I yearn for some stability, but I don't know where to turn. I'm only 16; I can't face a life full of this."

John: I don't know how I would cope with that.

Sarah: Children cope in different ways with alcoholism in a parent. They take on different roles. Tell me how each friend behaved when you were in their homes.

John: Let's see. The first one was cooking supper and taking care of the younger children because the mother was drunk.

Sarah: Is your friend the oldest child in the family?

John: He is.

Sarah: Usually the oldest child takes what we call the "hero" role, taking on himself responsibilities that belong to adults. This child does what you saw your friend doing--cooking, supervising younger children, maybe putting the drunk parent to bed, maybe pouring out the liquor to try to control the drinking. The girl that wrote to Billy Graham sounds like a "hero" child, taking mom home from bars.

The "hero" child often performs superbly outside the home as well. Does your friend make good grades at school?

John: Yeah, he sure does. And he's a member of the Student Council, too. He is also active in our youth group at church.

Sarah: That's typical. This child thinks, “Surely, if I do enough, I can make this situation work.” Well, it doesn't work. Until the drinker gets help, things get worse. The hero's primary feeling is inadequacy because he can’t actually solve the problem.

John: My other friend is a very quiet person. He took me into his room as quickly as he could when I saw his father drinking and yelling.

Sarah: That boy may be what is called the "lost" child, one who is very quiet and who stays to himself a lot. Surprisingly, this child feels the most anger of anyone in the family.

John: I've never seen him get angry. He is really a mild-mannered person.

Sarah: Well, the lost child is not in touch with his feelings. He doesn't know that he is angry. Do those families have a child who gets into trouble?

John: In the first family, my friend's 15-year-old sister got pregnant this year; and in the other family an older brother dropped out of school and ran away from home.

Sarah: These children take the role that we call "scapegoat." In the Old Testament, the children of Israel laid all their sins on a goat, which they then chased into the wilderness. That was the scapegoat who took away the sins for the people.

In the alcoholic family, everyone feels angry at the drinker, but they don't feel free to express it. So one child, even though he is not aware of it, volunteers to be the one everyone dumps his anger on. He gets into trouble. Everyone gets angry at him, and that helps family members turn the focus away from the alcoholic.

John: But why would someone do things to hurt himself?

Sarah: The scapegoat's main emotion is hurt. He actually is the most sensitive child in the family, so he agrees unconsciously to hurt himself to keep the family together. If everyone expressed the anger they feel toward the alcoholic, it might just blow the family apart. A large percentage of school dropouts and juveniles who get into alcohol and other drugs are the scapegoat children from alcoholic homes.

John: In each of my friends' families there is the youngest child who is cute and funny. We always get a kick out of having him around.

Sarah: Usually the baby takes the role we call a “mascot” or “clown.” This child is like the family pet. The older ones usually protect this child from some of the pain and pressures going on in the family. Although the mascot laughs a lot on the surface, underneath his main feeling is fear. Things look crazy around him, but nobody is talking about it. And he wonders if he is crazy.

John: What happens if there are fewer than four children in a family?

Sarah: Then the children double up on the roles. All of the roles are carried out at one time or another, and children can switch roles. The hero child may get so tired of being good that he starts being the bad one. That frees the scapegoat to straighten up. A child sometimes acts out two roles at once. He may have a main role and a backup role.

John: Earlier, you said that alcoholic families live by rules.

Sarah: Exactly. As I mentioned, the main rule is, "Don't talk, no matter how bad things get." So within the family, individuals don't get comfort from one another. When they are feeling unhappy about what's happening, they usually go off by themselves and nurse their wounds.

The second rule says, "Don't feel." If family members feel anger and other emotions, then feel powerless to do anything about it, they become overwhelmed and even depressed. It's just easier to put a lid on those feelings and not feel.

The children also may not realize that feelings and behaviors are two separate things. For example, if the parent is drunk, he may act violently. Therefore, children may think that actions and feelings go together. People can have strong feelings, but they can choose to act in ways that don't hurt people or things or themselves.

John: Where do these feelings go?

Sarah: Well, the children get very good at either pushing their feelings down or acting out their feelings. So, rather than talk about them, they do something destructive, either to themselves or to someone else or to property. The scapegoat child does a lot of acting out. The others push their feelings down more.

John: You listed "Don't talk and don't feel." What's the third main rule?

Sarah: "Don't trust." The alcoholic's behavior can be very unpredictable, even hurtful. The child doesn't know which parent is there that day. He/she could be extremely friendly when sober and violent when drinking. The child develops a distrustful attitude toward his parents and toward adults in general. It's hard for children of alcoholics to develop close relationships with other people.

John: You mentioned earlier that teens often don't know that their friends' parents are alcoholics. Do the children themselves always know? Is there some type of checklist or something to find out if a parent has a drinking problem?

Sarah: Alateen is an organization for teens with alcoholic parents. They have a list of questions teens can ask themselves to find out whether or not their lives have been affected by someone else's drinking:

1. Do you have a parent, close friend or relative whose drinking upsets you?

2.  Do you cover up your real feelings by pretending you don't care?

3. Does it seem as though every holiday is spoiled because of drinking?

4.  Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking or what's happening in your home?

5.  Do you stay out of the house as much as possible because you hate it there?

6.  Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?

7.  Do you feel nobody really loves you or cares what happens to you?

8.  Are you afraid or embarrassed to bring your friends home?

9.  Do you think the drinker's behavior is caused by you, other members of the family, friends, or rotten breaks in life?

10.  Do you make threats such as: “If you don't stop drinking or fighting, I'll run away”?

11. Do you make promises about behavior such as, “I'll get better school marks or go to church or keep my room clean in exchange for a promise that the drinking and fighting stop”?

12. Do you feel that if your mom or dad loved you he or she would stop drinking?

13. Do you ever threaten or actually hurt yourself to scare your parents into saying "I'm sorry" or "I love you"?

14. Do you believe no one could possibly understand how you feel?

15. Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?

16. Are mealtimes frequently delayed because of the drinker?

17. Have you considered calling the police because of drinking behavior?

18. Have you refused dates out of fear or anxiety?

19. Do you think that if the drinker stops drinking your other problems would be solved?

20. Do you ever treat people such as teachers, schoolmates, teammates, etc. unjustly because you are angry at someone else for drinking too much?

Sarah: If you answered “yes” to some of these questions, a parent's drinking may be a problem for you. Alateen or a similar group could be of help. Alateen is sponsored by Alanon, an organization created to help family members of problem drinkers. The local phone book would list the number. The meetings are free.

John: You mentioned that some of these children have drinking problems of their own. How often does that happen?

Sarah: Surprisingly, between 50 percent and 60 percent of children of alcoholics become alcoholics themselves.

John: Why would a child drink when he sees the trouble it causes?

Sarah: Well, there are several reasons, and they make sense. First, the child thinks this is normal behavior. Second, a child sees that people excuse a drinking person's behavior. So the child thinks, "Hey, I don't have to take responsibility for what I do if I am drinking."

Third, sometimes, the alcoholic is more enjoyable when he is drunk. A grown man who became an alcoholic said, "My father was a happy drunk. He was mean the rest of the time. When he reached for the bottle, that was magic time. I promised myself that someday I would get some of that magic for myself." That man has entered a recovery program and does not drink now. But that shows what often happens to the children. They see the parent using drink to handle stress.

Sometimes, the parent says, "I need a drink." We hear that line a lot in movies and in TV programs. So the children grow up thinking, "A drink is what you use to handle problems." The child thinks that is how his pain can go away, if he reaches for the bottle.

A young woman named Kathleen Brooks started an organization called The National Association for Children of Alcoholics. Both of Kathleen's parents were alcoholics. When she was 16, she and her father took her mother to a treatment center to have her checked in. As they left at the end of the day to head home, they stopped for dinner. Her dad sat there and drank one drink after another. Kathleen sat there crying silently within. Dad, don't you see that that's the whole problem?

That night for the first time in her life, she went out with a group of friends and got drunk. It made her forget her pain and she said, "I'm going to do this as often as I can so I won't hurt so much."

When Kathleen reached the age of 24, she acknowledged that she was an alcoholic and entered a recovery program. She wrote a book called The Secret Everyone Knows, written especially for teens who have parents who drink too much. You could ask for this book at a local library or bookstore. It might help to read it.

John: So maybe without even thinking, teenage children are drawing the conclusion that drinking will be good for them.

Sarah: That's right. And children of alcoholics sometimes become alcoholics due to a genetic factor. They have a predisposition to become alcoholics if they ever start drinking.

John: When teens have a parent who is a problem drinker, what should they do?

Sarah: Well, the children need help for themselves first. It isn't the responsibility of the children to control their parent's drinking. If they try to control it, it's called "enabling behavior." And the more others try to control the drinking, the more the person usually drinks. People have bribed alcoholics with money and other rewards. They have threatened them. They have made them feel ashamed; and none of those things work.

John: What does work?

Sarah: The alcoholic must take responsibility for his own drinking. This happens when that person decides to stop. He can start attending meetings at Alcoholics Anonymous, the organization for people who want to stop drinking, or a Christian group similar to AA, or he can enter into a professional treatment center. The primary fact family members need to learn and accept is that nothing they can do can make that person decide to stop drinking.

John: So what can my friends do?

Sarah: Each child needs to get some help for his own feelings. If he could get into an Alateen program, he could get support to feel better about himself and learn new ways to respond to the drinking parent's behavior. The Alanon number would be listed in the telephone directory. Maybe a local church conducts a group for children of alcoholics.

John: What sort of help does someone get in one of these meetings?

Sarah: Children from alcoholic families feel very much alone since they don't talk to others. They need to know they are not alone. There are many children with similar home situations. Learning that fact alone brings a feeling of relief, because these children start thinking it's their fault. They need to know that it isn’t.

Other people sometimes condemn alcoholics as being bad people. Children need to know that the parent is not a bad person. Alcoholics don't deliberately choose to become alcoholics.

Children sometimes think the alcoholic doesn't love them. Alcoholism doesn't mean that the parent does not love you. Drinking makes people say and do things they don't mean. Drinking also makes the person withdraw from the family. The drinker may not say or do hurtful things, but he may never be involved with the family. That can leave you thinking that he doesn't love you. As a result of these actions, family members become discouraged and feel hopeless, thinking things will never change.

Alcoholics can and do recover. Things can get better for the children. In a support group, members share experiences of hope. One girl said she had been in the habit of staying up late at night to keep her father from drinking. In the meeting, she learned this was not her responsibility. It was her father's. She went to bed from then on. That meant that she stopped her enabling behavior.

Family members sometimes place most of the focus on the alcoholic, and come to believe that they are not worthy of attention or money or time or love. These children need to know that they are persons who are worthy of good things in life.

John: So there are some things teenagers can do and some things that they can stop doing.

Sarah: That's right. Let's read what Billy Graham said to the 16-year-old girl who wrote the letter to him. He said:

"You've had a heavy burden to bear, especially for someone your age. I can understand the heartache and frustration you must feel. Your situation will probably not change, however, unless your mother gets the help she needs to cope with her problems. She needs help, although often alcoholics will not agree to get help and must be persuaded to get it. I suggest you speak with a pastor or some other adult with whom you can share your burden and who will know of the treatment programs which are available in your community. In addition, if at all possible, you should enlist the assistance of near relatives who can find ways for your mother to get help. You should not have to bear this burden alone. There is one other thing I want to tell you, however. You can share your burden with Christ. He knows all about your situation and He wants to help you by giving you the wisdom and strength you need. Also, He wants to help your mother, and you might be the instrument He would use to point her to His love and strength. Commit your life to Christ if you have not already. By a simple prayer of faith, you can invite Him into your heart now and then cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you. That's found in the Bible in 1 Peter 5:7."

That's the end of Dr. Graham's letter. He spoke about getting adults to help with the drinking parent. There is a technique called "Intervention." A person trained in this field works with family members and other interested persons close to the drinker to help them prepare a meeting to confront the drinker and to ask him/her to go into treatment. A local hospital that treats alcoholics could give information about how to contact an expert in that field.

Many places of work now have employee assistance programs to help alcoholics in the workplace. Coordinators of these programs can also assist in preparing an intervention. Sometimes, the drinker's boss takes part and gives evidence of how drinking is hurting the drinker's work performance. Sometimes, the drinker is required to enter treatment in order to keep his job.

A teen can ask church leaders to sponsor educational programs about alcoholism so the community can learn about this situation. Alcoholism is so baffling and defeating for family members. The more they can learn, the better they will feel and the more tools they will have to deal with the problem.

One final thing a teen can do. His life will be more satisfying if he can get involved in some kind of volunteer work. Since he feels frustrated at home, if he can develop satisfying activities of any kind outside the home--sports, developing his talent, volunteering at church with ministries, whatever--he will cope better with the home situation.

John: Well, Sarah, you have given us some terrific advice. Do you have any final comment?

Sarah: Yes. I would say to a teenager that sometimes the alcoholic parent's behavior is so disgusting we think that even God does not love this person. But God loves everyone in the alcoholic family and everyone who is connected with this situation. Pray this prayer often, and be certain to talk to an adult who can help:

"My heavenly Father, I thank you for your love for me and my family. Thank you that you love my alcoholic parent, that you love my other parent, that you love every child in this family. I ask for your help in this situation. In Jesus' name, Amen."

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The 24-Hour Counselor
© 1999, Broadman and Holman Publishers.
All rights reserved. Compiled by Richard Ross.