24 Hour Counselor: Being Adopted Bothers Me

Hi, I'm John, and I'm glad you came to this site. Maybe you are adopted or maybe you are trying to help someone else who is adopted. In either case, I think we'll be able to help you. Dr. Wade Rowatt is a professor at Southern Seminary in Louisville, KY, and he has agreed to talk with us. He especially enjoys counseling with teenagers.

Wade, exactly what does it mean to be adopted, and how is it different from just living with someone else or being a foster child?

Wade: John, it's good to clarify that at the very beginning. Being adopted is when an individual or usually a couple legally takes a child to be their own child. Being a foster parent is a temporary legal arrangement, but being adopted is intended to be permanent. An adopted child is really the parents’ child legally. Adoptive parents aren't biological parents, but in a sense they are the real parents.

John: Well, why does being adopted bother some people? I'd think that they would be glad they got picked.

Wade: Well, most are glad. Many parents do a good job of telling their adopted children early on that they are special and they were chosen. Some teenagers, though, have difficulty with adoption. That especially is true if they were adopted after they were older in life. It's tough. Also, if they were not told properly as they were growing up--if they learn by accident, for instance--it's a shock for them.

John: So, you mean some children may not know they were adopted?

Wade: That's right. Some teenagers find out by being told by a relative or by another teenager. That makes it especially difficult.

John: What should he or she do in that situation?

Wade: Well, first of all, he should talk to his parents. He should ask straightforward, "Am I adopted? If so, why haven't you told me about it? Can we talk about it now?" Usually the parents will be prepared to talk with him, and they'll have some information available. Often they had planned to do it and even wanted to talk with him, but they just waited too long. Perhaps they just didn't know how to bring it up.

John: I know several kids at school who were adopted. How long has adoption been around?

Wade: Well, in a way, even Moses was adopted by Pharaoh's daughter and raised as her son.

John: You've probably counseled with lots of adopted youth. What's their biggest concern?

Wade: There can be several things. But I suppose the central issue is, What does it say about who I am? As one youth said recently: Finding out I was adopted made me rethink who I am as a person.

John: Talk to us more about this issue. Adopted children have their real names, don't they?

Wade: Well, yes. Certainly your name is an important part of who you are. But, suddenly you may begin to think that you might have had a different last name at one time.

John: You mean another family that you belong to?

Wade: Exactly. Adopted persons frequently ask, "To whom do I really belong?" The answer legally is--you belong to your adopted parents. They are your real parents. You are their real child. But biologically, someone else gave birth to you.

Those parents, for whatever reason, felt that they could not raise you, that maybe they weren't best for you. Perhaps you were adopted by your grandparents or another relative, an aunt or an uncle. Or maybe you were adopted by persons who didn't know your birth mother or your biological father.

John: Why is that important?

Wade: Well, a lot of who we are comes through our family identity. We define ourselves in some ways in terms of our family. So do other people who know us. And, someone might say to me even now: Are you that oldest Rowatt boy?

Think of your own last name. What does your family name stand for back in your hometown? What do people say about your family? That kind of helps you decide who you are. But if suddenly you were to realize you came from another family--that raises questions about who you might be and what that family stood for.

John: And, I would want to ask, Do my adopted parents really care for me? Do adopted parents love their children just as much as real parents?

Wade: Oh, yes. I believe they do. In fact, I know some adoptive parents who, because they wanted a child so much, seem to have a special love beyond that of biological parents.

John: Do adopted children ever worry that their parents might have been weird or something?

Wade: That really hasn't come up in my conversations. But some health issues have. They have wondered if there might be some inherited disease, or if they might have some health problems later on when they grow up.

John: What do they do if they’re worried about this?

Wade: Usually health information is available through the adoptive agency.

John: So can they find out who their biological parents are?

Wade: Sometimes that’s possible. And, sometimes that's wise. But at other times it's not possible, and I'm not sure they would always want to know. It depends upon the state, the laws, the agency, and the type of adoption.

John: I've got a friend who looked and looked for his real mother and father.

Wade: I've known times when that's been good. But, I've also known when it's been bad. It's probably best to talk to your adopted parents about it, and they can help you decide whether you should pursue that.

John: I don't understand how a mother or father could give up a child. I mean, why do parents give children up for adoption?

Wade: Oh, there are a variety of reasons. Probably the most common is that they don't feel they can raise their child in the best way. Maybe the parents were too young. Perhaps they don't have a place in their life where they can be fair to their child at this time. Occasionally, adoption comes from an unintended pregnancy or from a family that is just not able to keep their life together. They know they can't feed, clothe, and take care of the child. In those cases, the state usually steps in and takes the children. And maybe the state places them for adoption, not the parents.

John: Is it always wise for adopted children to find their parents?

Wade: No, I don't really think so, but sometimes it is helpful.

John: How does being adopted affect a teenager's relationship to the adopted parents?

Wade: Well, of course it could affect it in many different ways. Sometimes it makes the giving and receiving of love very special. Teenagers who remember being in homes, maybe being in an orphanage and looking for real parents, they really appreciate it when someone adopts them. And believe me, when they find a giving family, love is special.

Families who are willing to put forth the effort to adopt a child usually really love that child. I'm not saying that there aren't problems. There will be conflicts and fights just like in other families. But it can be a very special relationship. Maybe the relationship has problems, but that's true in biological families, too. If the youth knows he is adopted, he may be blaming those problems on the adoption, but it could be for other reasons.

John: What do you mean?

Wade: Let me give you an example. I know a 16-year-old girl who refused to obey her parents' guidelines. She said that since they were not her real parents, since they had adopted her, she didn't have to listen to them. Legally, of course, she did have to listen to them. But she was using her adoption as a way of gaining a little bit of early independence. She was trying to use it against her parents. Unfortunately, her parents felt so insecure that they gave in. They relaxed the rules.

John: So, it sounds like that teenager used the issue for her own gain and won.

Wade: Well, she may have won the battle, but she lost in the long run. You see, after they let her begin to do whatever she wanted, she began to feel they didn't love her because they gave her too much freedom. They didn't seem to be concerned about her.

Teenagers need to realize that growing up doesn't mean getting out from under your parents' rules and doing anything that you please. Growing up really means taking your parents' rules and making them your own values. When they are yours, you can keep them inside of you. That's why you can face a situation and know right from wrong.

John: You mean like becoming your own policeman?

Wade: Yes, that's a good way of saying it. It's like you have learned to obey the rules and live a loving Christian life because you want to, not because you are afraid of getting caught or because your parents are there making you. Adoptive parents need to help their teenagers internalize their values.

John: Do any adopted kids ever go back and get unadopted?

Wade: Well, I guess it could happen, but that would be very rare. Parents want them so much they are not going to give them up easily.

John: What about the parents who put their child up for adoption? Do they every regret it?

Wade: Oh, of course, they do. Some of them made that decision when they were very young. They placed an infant for adoption when they were teenagers themselves. A teenage birth mother who puts her child up for adoption may regret it later on in life. But, she can't undo that decision. Birth parents and the adopted children may become friends after they become adults, but they are unlikely to develop close family feelings for each other.

John: What are some of the biggest problems adopted teenagers face?

Wade: A common one is getting along with a brother or sister--a biological offspring of the parents. Competition can set up quickly.

John: Is that was they call sibling rivalry?

Wade: Yes. And it's sometimes especially tense with adoptive children.

John: My brother and I say some pretty mean things when we fight. I guess we all do.

Wade: Right. It's natural for brothers and sisters to argue. But in this case when they argue they say mean things like, "Oh, you were just adopted, Mom and Dad didn't really have you. They are my real mom and dad, they are not yours." Such insults hurt and add damage to the relationship. Of course, some times the adopted teenager can be pretty hurtful, too. I know some who have said things like, "They chose me. They got stuck with you."

It's best for parents to sit down and talk with their children and explain that the rules are going to be the same for all of them. That they love them all. That being unfair and emphasizing the difference between family members won't work in this family.

John: Well, if someone visiting this site has been adopted and wants more help, where can he or she go?

Wade: There are a number of people with whom he or she can talk. Most families had a case worker or a social worker when the child was adopted. That may be a good place to begin. But I think if being adopted really bothers a teenager, the first place to begin is to talk with someone in his own family. He should talk to his parents, an older brother or sister, or grandparent. If he doesn't feel that he can do this, perhaps he can talk to the minister at church, or the youth minister at the church. or one of his friends.

John: Would it help to talk with other people who have been adopted?

Wade: Sometimes that's a good idea--especially if those other people are adults. If they do know someone like a Sunday School teacher or a teacher at school who has been adopted, that could be a really good idea.

John: I guess the most important thing is that they talk to someone.

Wade: That's right. Talk to someone. This type of pain, the pain of feeling bad about being adopted, is simply too great to keep inside.

John: What if they feel they really can't talk with their parents.

Wade: They should talk to these other people we've mentioned earlier--a minister, a professional counselor, a social worker, a Sunday School teacher, a youth minister. But sooner or later they are going to have to face the problem with the parents. If the parents can't talk about the situation, then certainly it needs to be a matter for professional counseling.

John: And they should talk to God about it, shouldn't they?

Wade: Yes. Being in the family of God means that we can talk to God. Talking to God is simply praying. And praying, of course, can be an important part of coming to grips with the fact that you are bothered about being adopted. Remember though, being adopted is special. It depends on how you view it. Actually, we all are adopted into God’s family. And He loves us all very much.

John: I hope everyone who is reading this feels very special about being adopted.

Wade: John, so do I. This is a first step in dealing with those bothersome feelings about being adopted. But, let me encourage you to take another step. I want to urge you to talk with your parents or with some adult that you know whom you can trust. Don't just talk to anybody. Pick the right person. Then open up and let them know how you are feeling.

If you are feeling sad, you don't have to feel this way. There is hope for a terrific future. If you can just talk things out, your situation can get better. Take a risk, tell someone who cares. Tell them how you really feel.

John: I hope you'll talk with someone, too.

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The 24-Hour Counselor
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