24 Hour Counselor: I've Been Sexually Abused

Hi, I'm John, and I'm glad you came to this site. If you have ever been sexually abused in any way, you are probably thinking that you could use some clear help with what to do. I've never been sexually abused, but I know that anything about sex is personal and hard to talk about. Most of what I know about abuse I learned from a friend of mine. She told me her father had been abusing her, and it was really hard for her to tell me about it. She had been through a lot. But she said it felt good to be able to tell someone about it.

This has got to be one of the toughest problems to deal with, especially since it was her father who did it. If you've been abused you know how she must have felt--upset, disgusted, helpless, embarrassed, and really scared, not knowing what to do. The worst part was that she didn't think she had any adult friends she could talk to who would know the best ways to help her.

If that's the way you've been feeling, I think I know someone who can help. I want to introduce you to Pat Clendinning, a friend of mine who is a professor and a professional counselor. A lot of his counseling is with parents and teenagers. He understands this subject. So, I thought I could ask him some questions for you.

Pat, I think the first thing I want to know is how often this happens.

Pat: Well, John, it's hard to come up with accurate information, because it's such a covered up area of life. One estimate is that only 15 or 16 percent of all rapes are even reported. We do know that it happens to a lot of people, though.

For example, in 1990 the national crime survey reported 13,000 rapes. But another survey has estimated five times that many, or somewhere around 65,000 women raped in one year. There are many others who are victims of other kinds of sexual assault. What is of special concern is that approximately 25 percent of rapes were done by relatives--fathers, stepfathers, or other relatives not in the immediate family.

It happens in all kinds of families, too. We'd like to think that it wouldn't happen in a family that attends church, but unfortunately it does. It seems that no family is immune. We know that it is frequent enough for us to look at it seriously.

That it could happen to you or one of your friends, John, makes it real enough for you to be concerned. One set of statistics predicts that at least 1/4th of all girls and 1/10th of all boys will be sexually molested by age 18.

Pat: Keep in mind that not all sexual abuse happens within the family. There are a number of different settings and participants. Of those happening in families, however, it's not just a father abusing his daughter, although that is a pretty typical scenario. It could also be an uncle, a grandfather, a good friend of the family, even a brother. It is seldom a stranger, but someone who is known and trusted.

Sexual abuse could be rape--being forced to have intercourse with someone. Within the family, though, it is usually not forced--at least not physically forced. What usually happens is that the adult begins with hugging or just the normal showing of affection in the family. Then it goes on more aggressively to touching body parts that violate the privacy of the body and one's sexuality.

Typically the adult will try to make the person feel that this is not only OK, but that it's normal. The father might say to his daughter, for example, that this is OK, that lots of fathers and daughters do this because they love each other. In most cases she does love her father and doesn't want to indicate that she doesn't. But she knows deep down inside that this is not right.

The abuse might stop there, but often goes on to include sexual intercourse. Again, the abuser may try to make it look like this is a normal thing to do. This might happen over and over again, perhaps over a period of years. It could start when the girl is 9 or 10 or even younger, and might happen as often as every week until she's out of high school or even older.

Obviously, this should be stopped as quickly as possible. The abuse creates lots of frustration and constant fear. The question is always in the girl's mind: When might it happen again? Unfortunately, the chances are pretty good that it will happen more than once.

John: I want to say that this is really weird. Maybe that's not strong enough. It sounds sick to me.

Pat: You would be right with either word, John. It is a kind of sickness that would cause someone to do this to any young person, especially to a member of the family. But this is not limited to members of the family. A girl could go out on a date and her boyfriend could become very aggressive with her about sexual behavior. This is sometimes called acquaintance rape, or date rape.

If he forces her, either physically or emotionally, it is in the same category of sexual abuse. If he forces her physically it is rape, of course. Often the conversation begins along these lines: "If you really like me you should prove it to me." Or, "If you are not willing to have sex with me, you can just forget about me. I'll go with someone who does love me."

John: It seems unfair that it's the girls who catch so much abuse. There isn't a similar situation that happens to guys, is there?

Pat: Well, it's not fair that anybody should be treated this way, but guys are not out of the picture. It just happens in different ways. Boys also may be sexually abused during their teen years or even younger. They can be abused by a member of the family of the same sex who involves them in some kind of homosexual activity, or by a female member of the family who convinces him to have intercourse with her. And like the girls, it may be a good friend of the family rather than a family member.

John: Would the guy feel like he was gay or that this would make him become gay?

Pat: Well, he might think so. But I don't believe there would be too much of a chance of that unless it happens often and in such a way that the guy begins to enjoy it. Of course, if he already had homosexual tendencies it might move him into that life-style quicker. Should this be the case, he needs to get some help in sorting out his feelings about the incident and about his own sexuality.

John: Is it possible that being abused when you are young could set you up to abuse your own kids or someone else's kids? That would be really bad--to turn around and repeat that same behavior later on.

Pat: Yes, John. And it is not only possible, but rather predictable. One study discovered that about 80 percent of adult sexual offenders had a history of having been abused in childhood. This would be another reason for an abuse victim to get into counseling. For the boy or girl victim, there is the possibility of turning into an abuser if it happens so often that the youth begins to regard this as OK and normal. And that's exactly what the adult would want them to feel.

John: When you think of all these possibilities, I think I see why it's called sexual abuse. It really is just that. A teenager is really abused, taken advantage of. Maybe I understand better the feelings this friend of mine had.

Pat: The feelings are naturally very intense--feelings of being violated, feeling dirty, not as healthy and wholesome as she or he would like to be. Feelings of anger. I feel especially sympathetic with the Christian teenager who has wanted to hold on to his or her religious principles and is disappointed that these principles have been compromised against his own will and desire. Here are some feelings, John, that need to be mentioned specifically.

One is shame. That's pretty natural, but being ashamed of what has happened can lead the teenager not to discuss it with anyone. And that definitely is not good. If you let shame and embarrassment get to you, you'll have a difficult time finding and talking with someone who can be of help. Then there is a good possibility this will give you problems for a long time.

Second, many have a feeling of fear. The abuser may have threatened some degree of punishment if this is ever revealed to anyone. This may be a physical threat of blame and exposure or even a threat of more sexual abuse.

This may produce still another feeling--anger. This may be anger about being violated, being threatened, or blackmailed. It is anger towards the wrong-doing of someone who was or is loved and trusted. Anger turned inward sometimes results in hating oneself for letting this happen. The feeling, though real, is not appropriate, since no child or teen chooses to allow abuse to occur.

Still another feeling is that of guilt. And this, too, is normal. In most cases, feelings of guilt are not necessary. The teenager has been forced into this activity or put on the spot in such a way that to refuse would produce some bad consequences. Generally the teenager has had nothing to do with the initiation of the act, and certainly did not desire it. So, he or she should not have guilt feelings.

John: Pat, you said "generally." What did you mean by that?

Pat: That simply recognizes the fact that sometimes the teenager may have acted seductively, may have teased in an inappropriate manner, or knowingly stimulated the adult--which led to the abuse. Even if the girl didn't encourage the sexual act, this inappropriate stimulating behavior may well complicate the youth's feelings about the matter later on. In this case, there may be a definite feeling of guilt or despair and real dirtiness because the youth has had something to do with the initiation of the act.

It's really a two-sided problem to handle then. For in addition to the feelings of dirtiness and being violated, there's the matter of personal guilt. In a situation where a teenager's actions have actually contributed to the abuse, there are going to be some other questions to be dealt with like, "Can and will God forgive me for this? Should I not ask for the forgiveness of the person who has abused me?"

The answer to both questions is yes. Certainly God can and will forgive you. First John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (HCSB).¹ We must confess because we are sorry for what has happened. And certainly we must ask for forgiveness with a determination that we will never do this again. Even so, there remains the matter of forgiving yourself, for that is extremely important. If you don't forgive yourself, it's likely you will never really feel that God has forgiven you. They go hand-in-hand. To forgive yourself you must first seek God's forgiveness, then recognize that He will forgive you. Then you should be able to forgive yourself.

Remember that being forgiven doesn't depend on our forgetting. It isn't likely that you will ever forget what has happened. The important thing is that you not hold it against yourself. It was a mistake to be sure, but it has been made and there is nothing else you can do about it. God gives you a second chance. Now give yourself a second chance, also.

John: That's really the core of the gospel, isn't it?

Pat: It certainly is, John. If you have been guilty of bringing this on, I think you should ask forgiveness of the abusive person. For two reasons: One, because that's the biblical thing to do. You need to apologize and ask forgiveness for your part in it. But there's an important second reason. It will give you a natural opportunity to bring it up and to state your disapproval and your strong commitment that this will never happen again.

John: Now, that's something that's really helpful, whether it has to do with sexual abuse or not. I can see that it would be hard to talk about, but I think it would be worse to try and keep it in.

Pat: True. If you keep your feelings and your fears bottled up inside you over a period of time, or if you allow the possibility of this being repeated over and over, there is going to be trouble. People can get to the place where they don't trust anyone. You can imagine what it would be like to go through life that way. It would affect marriage, friendships, on and on.

And, there's the continued mixture of shame, guilt, embarrassment, feelings of having been violated, forced, or abused. This contaminates our minds and keeps us from achieving the abundance in life that Christ wants for us. In the Bible, John wrote, "I have come that they may have life and have it in abundance" (John 10:10, HCSB).  

Another thing that I fear is that if a person feels badly long enough about himself or herself, he or she might come to the conclusion that life will never get any better. He or she may become willingly promiscuous in line with what has already happened.

Let me make several suggestions. First, recognize that you are not the only person who has gone through this. There are others who have been right there where you are.

Next, and most important, talk with someone about it. There are numerous possibilities, but the best persons to discuss it with may be your parents, or the other parent if the abuser is a parent. That will probably get the best answer the quickest way. It isn't easy, of course, to talk about this at all, and especially to accuse your father or another adult that you love. But it's necessary as a protection to yourself, and to get some help for the abuser. You must try to keep this from happening to a younger sister or to some other person.

You are going to face questions like: If I tell, will I be looked down on? Will my father take it out on me even worse? Will I be believed? Will my mom think that I'm the one who is to blame? You may be afraid, but  remember what the Bible says in 2 Timothy 1:7:  "For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgment" (HCSB). Claim that promise and you will probably feel more confident as you think through how you are going to say this to an adult. Pray about how to say it the right way. This is important to God as well as to you.

You might say something like: "Mom" (or whoever), "this is hard for me to say, but something is going on that I can't stop and I need some help. Because I know it's not right. Dad has been . . ." and then tell exactly what's been done to you. Don't worry about the language, just be sure to communicate in a way that you are not at all misunderstood.

If you simply can't talk with the other parent or someone else in the family, or if that parent refuses to do anything about it, talk to another adult whom you trust--someone you think will understand and be able to help intervene. This may be your pastor or youth minister, a teacher, or just a trusted adult friend.

If necessary, talk with someone at Family and Children's Services or a counseling center. The names of these vary from one location to another, but look in the telephone directory for names like these or a hotline or a crisis number. Find someone to talk with.

Unfortunately, we do have to be prepared in some cases for the parent you talk with to reject your appeal for help. It is an emotional as well as sexual issue, and your parent may not be able to handle it. She or he may not believe you, or be afraid of the consequences brought about by the accused. If this person won't act, then go to someone who will.

John: You know, I think if I were having this problem I would probably talk with a youth minister or maybe my school counselor.

Pat: Those would be good possibilities, John. And I think anyone with whom you would be comfortable and you could trust would be appropriate.

Here's a third suggestion. Avoid any further situation which may be conducive to the sexual abuse happening again. Try to avoid being in the house alone with the abuser. In the case of a girl, she should never again date the boy who abused her. If it's beginning to happen again, talk with the person firmly and insist that it not happen again. Leave the house and go somewhere else. If nothing else works, call the police.

Fourth, recognize that it is not your fault. As we said earlier, remember that you are the victim, not the perpetrator. The one who has done this to you is to blame.

Remember that you have lots of spiritual resources. God loves you deeply and cares for you. He created our sexuality to be something good and beautiful, and cares if it is being abused. Psalm 66:20 states: "May God be praised! He has not turned away my prayer or turned His faithful love from me" (HCSB). Talk with God about your problem and He will be faithful to help you with it.

Another Scripture that would be helpful to read is Deuteronomy 31:6: "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you" (NKJV).²

The last thing that I would suggest is that you find something to read that will help you come back to a good healthy attitude toward sex. Many teenagers, I think, know Psalm 51:10: "God, create a clean heart for me and renew a steadfast spirit within me" (HCSB). Ann Cannon's book, Sexuality: God's Gift is a good choice to help with this healing process. Reading a good book and strengthening your attitude toward the goodness of sexuality will be a way to help God create that clean heart and right spirit in you.

John: So, let me list what I have heard you say, because this is so important:

• The abused person should talk to someone, a person who can help and who will encourage the abuser to get some help.
• Avoid the situation where this could happen again, and don't be alone in the house with the abuser. Try to talk him out of it or just get out of the house.
• Remember that it is not your fault. It's the abuser who is to blame.
• Don't forget your spiritual resources. God loves you and cares for what is happening to you. Pray that He'll get you out of this.
• Forgive the person who has abused you. Don't hold it against him.
• Read something good to help you get back a healthy attitude toward sex.
• And pray.

Thanks for your help on this subject, Pat. I know this is very personal and private to talk about. But please--if this ever happens to you--talk it over with someone and get this taken care of.

_______
¹Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible^® Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2004 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission.

²Scripture quotations marked "NKJV" are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Back to Top of Page

The 24-Hour Counselor
© 1999, Broadman and Holman Publishers.
All rights reserved. Compiled by Richard Ross.