24 Hour Counselor: I Feel Terribly Lonely

Hello, I'm John; and this is my friend, Terry.

Terry: Hello.

John: Terry, what are some of the first things that come to your mind when you are lonely?

Terry: Well, I feel isolated, like I am the only one who feels that way. What about you? What are you feeling when you are lonely?

John: Well, I feel isolated from others, too. I also feel worthless.

Terry: You and I are really no different from any other teenager when it comes to feeling lonely.

John: We would like to help other teenagers who may feel lonely. And helping us to understand this subject is Dr. Jerry Pounds, a professor and a counselor with teenagers. Dr. Pounds spends a lot of time talking with teenagers about various problems. And Terry and I are glad we can talk with him about this one.

Dr. Pounds: Well, John, it is good to be with you and Terry. It was interesting to hear you both talk about how you feel when you are lonely. Some of the other feelings I was thinking about include rejection, pain, and even being scared.

Terry: Dr. Pounds, don't you think that almost every teenager has felt lonely at some time?

Dr. Pounds: Sure. Loneliness is an experience shared by almost everyone. Do you think there is anything wrong with a teenager who feels lonely?

John: Actually, I think there may be something wrong with being lonely, especially if the person is lonely all the time.

Terry: Being lonely is not the problem, but being lonely all the time may be a problem.

Dr. Pounds: There is a difference between being lonely and being alone. Being alone doesn't mean that you are necessarily lonely.

Terry: Well, that makes sense. There are a lot of times when I am by myself alone, but I am not really lonely. I kind of enjoy that time by myself.

John: For me, there are times when I just want to get away from people and get off by myself to do something, like read a good book.

Terry: I have gotten a lot out of just going outside and walking in some woods behind our house. I could stay gone for hours just hanging around, thinking about different things. But I never really felt lonely. It was more refreshing and relaxing than anything else.

Dr. Pounds: So there is nothing wrong with being alone. But what about the teenager who feels terribly lonely?

Terry: I think that's a different story.

Dr. Pounds: It really is a different situation. There are two thoughts I would like to look at. The first is that loneliness is a state of mind. What does that mean to you?

John: Does it mean that if you think you are lonely, then you probably will be lonely?

Dr. Pounds: Good. Now if a person thinks he is happy, he will probably act happy. If he thinks he is sad, he probably will be sad. You can take any other emotion and follow this same line of reasoning. Your mind is the steering wheel so to speak in what you decide to be or do.

A lonely teenager thinks that life is filled with burdens and obstacles and traumatic situations. He thinks that he is inadequate, unworthy, undesirable, and worthless. In addition, he's frustrated because he thinks that his troubles will continue. Loneliness affects his thinking about himself, his world, and the future. So when he is feeling stressed, he also feels self-blame and pessimism. This leads to the depressive feelings of guilt and sadness.

The second thought for teenagers to remember is that loneliness is a temporary experience.

Terry: That should be good news for anybody who feels lonely.

Dr. Pounds: Most teenagers experience what may be called "tunnel vision." You can see right in front of you, but if you look way down the tunnel you may not see the end; or you may just see a small opening of light. In other words, teenagers typically can see today, maybe tomorrow, but not really down the road too well. You may feel that what you are experiencing today will be experienced tomorrow or even forever. Teenagers need to remember: Loneliness is a state of your mind; and if you do something positive about it, loneliness will not last forever.

John: Let's talk a little about why teenagers can get so lonely.

Terry: It doesn't seem possible for teenagers to be lonely when we are with so many other kids. I mean, look around at church or at the mall. Whenever I am there, I see kids walking around with other kids. We move around in groups.

John: And for the most part, everything seems to be OK.

Terry: Right. Does that mean that if you are in a group then you are not lonely?

Dr. Pounds: Well, not really. In fact, it is very common to be lonely in a crowd. Let me share a little of my own history. I remember dressing up with my family during Mardi Gras in New Orleans where I grew up. One year we would be cowboys and the next year something else. Our disguises hid who we really were.

Teenagers can be like that, too. There are masks that teenagers can wear in order to hide what is really going on in their own lives. One of these masks is getting lost in a crowd and appearing to be happy.

Terry: When actually they are lonely.

Dr. Pounds: That's correct.

John: It seems to me that teenagers who are lonely don't have many friends. Are they lonely because they have no friends, or do they have no friends because they are lonely?

Dr. Pounds: Well, it could probably go both ways. First of all, non-lonely people don't like to be around lonely people. Why would you think this to be true?

Terry: Because they can bring you down, too.

Dr. Pounds: That's right. Loneliness can be contagious. You don't want to hang around lonely people, because you don't want to be lonely yourself. Also, it is difficult for a lonely teenager to develop friendships.

John: Why is that?

Dr. Pounds: Well, surprisingly, there are numerous studies showing that adolescence can be one of the loneliness periods of life. This makes sense when you think about what a teenager is beginning to experience. Peer relationships and social acceptance are major concerns during adolescence.

Terry: We also expect a great deal from our friends.

Dr. Pounds: That's true. And sometimes you may have unrealistic expectations. You may begin to demand more and more from your friends in terms of friendship and mutual support. Your friends may let you down at one time or another, and this may lead to misunderstandings and disappointments.

John: So, we can feel lonely when our expectations are not being met by our friends.

Dr. Pounds: That's right. In addition, outgoing or extroverted youth may have greater problems dealing with loneliness than an introverted youth. An extroverted youth needs more friends to be happy.

Terry: You know, I have felt lonely the most on weekends, on Friday or Saturday nights when I am sitting home alone.

Dr. Pounds: It's during those times when you are more aware of being alone, and more worried about whether you are left out of any good times you think others are having.

Terry: That's exactly true.

Dr. Pounds: When your expectations are not fulfilled, there is a greater chance to be lonely. You may need to ask yourself, "Am I expecting too much from friends? Do I expect to have a lot of friends?"

I was helping my son the other night with some words he was needing to define. He asked me about the word "acquaintance." After he looked the word up and wrote the definition down, I shared one of those valuable lessons that life teaches us.

I told my son that he will have lots of acquaintances, kids and adults that he will know. Then I told him that fortunate is the person who has a few close friends that he or she can really talk to about problems or joys. You can't really get close to and share things with everyone.

Try not to feel that everybody has to be your close or best friend. During adolescence you are beginning to find out who you can trust. In lots of ways you do this through trial and error.

John: You know, in addition to developing friendship, I think we are also struggling with becoming individuals. Will this struggle cause a teenager to feel lonely?

Dr. Pounds: I really think it can. You are beginning to be aware of the separation that is taking place between you and your parents. It's also a time to develop your own independence. I know that most teenagers are happy about this experience, but you may feel lonely as you become separated from your folks.

Terry: You are talking about us developing our own identity and independence. Both of these can cause a teenager to feel lonely?

Dr. Pounds: That's right. As you can probably tell, your thinking has taken a different turn since you became a teenager. You are beginning to develop advanced thinking abilities, trying to determine who you are as an individual--separating from your parents. For some teenagers, this process increases isolation and loneliness.

John: So every teenager could expect to feel a little lonely simply because of what he is going through as a teenager?

Dr. Pounds: That's right. And some teenagers will feel much lonelier than others.

Terry: What are some of the things that could happen for a lonely teenager?

Dr. Pounds: Rejection, pain, being scared, feeling isolated and worthless. In addition, a lot of lonely youth feel hopeless and desperate. A great number of lonely youth also feel physically unattractive, unlikable, and unhappy. Let me give you a few obvious reactions that many lonely young people tend to experience.

Have you noticed that some lonely teenagers are not willing to take certain risks?--like not taking the initiative in starting a conversation, or not wanting to go to a party by themselves. Also, talking to a stranger might be a risk that a lonely youth would be unwilling to take.

Terry: I think a lot of lonely teenagers stay home by themselves in their own room and just watch television. It's easier for them to do that than risk working on their loneliness.

Dr. Pounds: That's a very good example. Some lonely teenagers redirect their energy into other areas such as academics or sports. Others try to ease their pain in creative ways such as writing, music, painting, or drawing. And in more negative ways, some teenagers become overly involved in a romantic relationship, thinking that some boy or girl will solve their lonely feelings. This can be very dangerous for both involved.

John: Do some teenagers try to drown their problems of loneliness in alcohol?

Dr. Pounds: Exactly. And other drugs as well. In addition, acceptance may be sought in rebellious behaviors and sexual promiscuity.

Terry: There's another example I've noticed. Some try to be overly outgoing around others. This can be obnoxious.

Dr. Pounds: I agree. The life of the party may actually be a very hurting, lonely teenager.

John: That's what you said earlier, that a lonely teenager can be lonely in a crowd.

Dr. Pounds: That's right. These teenagers want attention, whether it's good or bad. They feel that bad attention is better than no attention at all.

I also have some vivid memories of a few young people in the churches that I served as a youth minister. I call these youth "clingers." They would just cling on to me. They would arrive early for any youth activity and stay later after everybody else had gone home. They try to spend every possible moment with the youth leader. They don't relate well to other youth, so they cling to the person who is paid to show them some attention.

Terry: Teenagers who find it difficult to make friends can experience other problems as well. Am I right?

Dr. Pounds: You sure are. These other problems could be academic, delinquency, or physical illnesses. Remember, everybody feels lonely at one time or another. However, teenagers who experience extreme loneliness are less willing to risk initiating contact with others. They often feel physically unattractive, and they have relatively low self-esteem.

Terry: It's really sad to think that there are some teenagers who are in their most exciting years and are so lonely. What words of advice or encouragement can we offer them?

Dr. Pounds: First, examine the expectations you have about your friends. Are you expecting too much from them and even from yourself? Along with this, be careful not to blame someone else for your loneliness. You are responsible for yourself. The only person you can change is yourself. So with God's help, do what you know to be right, and don't try to live according to other people's expectations.

John: We talked about taking risks. What specific risks can a lonely teenager take?

Dr. Pounds: You start by developing a plan when you are by yourself. Read a good book or keep a diary. Writing your thoughts down on paper releases emotions and will help you think through challenging times. Also, get out of your room and do something with your life.

Your room is your room, and it does represent an important part of your life. But your room is not your prison. Volunteer some time at the hospital or for a ministry at your church. Take up a hobby or join a meaningful club. Be willing to risk being rejected and you will stand a greater chance of being accepted. If you show interest in others, then others will show interest in you.

Terry: I also think we can be too hard on ourselves.

Dr. Pounds: You are right. At times we give ourselves negative messages.

John: Is this like when we tell ourselves, "I am no good" or "I can never do that"?

Dr. Pounds: Right. We need to change these negative messages to more positive ones. Messages like "I am good" or "I can try to do that" may bring us out of feeling lonely. Make sure your messages are healthy ones. The next time you feel lonely, work through this simple mental activity. Ask yourself these five questions, and take the time to think through your responses.

1. What was going on when I felt lonely?
2. Who was involved in this situation?
3. What did I do in this situation?
4. How did I feel?
5. What did I learn?

Terry: Are there some things that we can't change?

Dr. Pounds: There are. In fact, we need to work at changing the things we can change and accept those things we cannot change.

Terry: That's important.

Dr. Pounds: It really is. Let me give you an example. Are you looking the best you can? Our looks are tied to how we feel. If we feel attractive, we have a greater chance of attracting others. If we feel unattractive, then this message will be heard loud and clear by others. So do what you can to change what you can change.

John: Can patterns of how we relate to others be changed?

Dr. Pounds: They can, John. Let me give you a few examples of how this can be done. First, becoming more assertive can be helpful. As I mentioned earlier, there are times when lonely teenagers may be too afraid to ask someone for a date, or too timid to express their opinions or desires. You may be too unassertive to ask questions or to express your emotions.

Being assertive means expressing yourself in an honest, straightforward manner, without being angry or manipulative. Assertiveness is not aggressiveness. Being aggressive means disregarding the feelings and opinions of others. Here is an example.

An assertive response would be, "Yes, I do have a problem with you copying my homework, because I put a great deal of time and effort into doing this assignment. It just wouldn't be right." An aggressive response would sound something like this, "You've got to be kidding if you think you can copy my homework. Make an F for all I care; you deserve it."

Dr. Pounds: The second idea would be to try peer counseling. Academically, teenagers tutoring other teenagers has become both popular and helpful. So why not peer counseling? In this case, those who are not lonely can work with lonely teenagers in modeling for them how to initiate conversations, how to ask for dates, asking questions aloud, and so on. This peer reinforcement can help teach or guide lonely teenagers. If you are lonely, ask another teenager to help you in this area. If you are not lonely, then seek out a lonely teenager to help.

John: Another thing I have noticed about lonely teenagers is that they don't talk a great deal. Some tend to be shy.

Dr. Pounds: Lonely teenagers can appear to be reserved. That's why it's important for them to talk to someone about their feelings. Good advice would be to seek out a trusted friend and talk to him about your feelings of loneliness. Deep-seated loneliness is a cry for help.

I would strongly suggest that professional help be found. A school guidance counselor or a local Christian counselor may offer the type of professional counseling that is needed. Loneliness is the result of various issues and situations. Talking with a professional counselor may help bring these concerns to the surface so that real help and encouragement can be experienced.

Dr. Pounds: I would also encourage a lonely teenager to evaluate his relationship with God. You may feel lonely and isolated from God. If so, I hope you will commit your life to God. You can do this by inviting Him, through His Son, Jesus Christ, to come into your life and forgive you of your sins.

John: Just like you said that we can go to a trusted friend to talk, we can also tell God our hurts once we have become His child.

Terry: Psalm 23 has always been one of my favorite passages of Scripture. I would encourage every teenager to read this chapter over and over again.

Dr. Pounds: Yes, and notice that God does not leave you in the valley, but He leads you through whatever valley you may experience. Loneliness may be your valley. But with God's help, it becomes only temporary. He doesn't give up on His children. The psalmist wrote in Psalm 27:14, "Wait for the Lord; be courageous and let your heart be strong. Wait for the Lord" (HCSB).¹

_______
¹Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible^® Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2004 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission.

Back to Top of Page

The 24-Hour Counselor
© 1999, Broadman and Holman Publishers.
All rights reserved. Compiled by Richard Ross.