24 Hour Counselor: My Friend May Commit Suicide

Hello, I'm John, and thanks for coming to this site. "Suicide" is a word which sends cold chills up my spine. One of my adult friends tells me that, in years past the word was rarely spoken, and then only whispered. But suicide is a growing concern now. I'm glad it's talked about more openly.

Many of us teenagers have had a friend talk about not wanting to live. Hearing someone we know talk like that stirs up a lot of feelings, like fear and the helpless sense of not knowing what to do. Questions like, Should I tell someone? and Who should I tell? pop into our minds.

Since you are here, I guess you are concerned about someone, and want some help to know how to relate to your friend in the best way. Being told a secret like that is pretty scary. It usually helps to have someone to talk to about those fears. Keeping the concerns about someone's life inside of you can get really tough.

I want to introduce you to a new friend of mine. She's Jan Lundy, a professional counselor who spends some of her time helping people who are suicidal and others who care about them. Jan, just how big is this problem of teenage suicide?

Jan: John, currently there are around 5,000 persons between the ages of 15 and 24 who kill themselves each year. That's at a rate of 12 per 100,000 population. There are more than 500,000 teenage suicide attempts each year. It is the second leading cause of death in the age group of 15-24.

John: That's awful. Are there some warning signs that a person is suicidal?

Jan: Specialists who have studied adolescent suicide say that three-fourths of the teenagers who are suicidal do communicate and give warning signals. Some of those warning signals are in words like, "I wish I could die" or "I'm thinking about killing myself." There is not much doubt what they are thinking. Sometimes, the words are vague, though. For example:

• "Life sucks."
• "Nothing matters anyway."
• "Forget about me."
• "Nobody cares."
• "Everybody would be better off without me."
• "I'm just a pain."
• "I won't be a problem to you much longer."

All statements like these are verbal hints that a person may be suicidal.

John: Are there other types of warning signals?

Jan: John, yes there are. And these are found in what is going on in the teenager's life. A key word is change. When there have been changes in the family life or in the actions of the teenager, then we need to be alert.

If one of your friends has started getting into trouble at school or having problems with the police or other authority figures, we need to be concerned. Increased drug or alcohol abuse is a cause for concern. That seems to be a very significant warning signal. If he has become withdrawn and hostile or he is not sleeping or eating well or has less energy than usual, we need to be concerned.

Those are all symptoms of depression. If he has changed his attitude toward school or started getting into fights--and that is different for him--we need to be concerned.

John: Anyone who would be doing those things must be really miserable.

Jan: You bet. And what often happens is that they get scolded and punished but not recognized as being suicidal.

John: What might be going on in the family of a person who is looking and sounding suicidal?

Jan: The family of a suicidal teenager is usually in distress, John. If anyone in the family has committed suicide, that increases the possibility of another suicide. Parents who aren't getting along or are divorced may contribute to the teenager's depression. And another significant contributing factor is present if the teenager is being abused at home, especially physically or sexually.

John: What should a teenager do if someone he knows has given some of the warning signals you have mentioned?

Jan: Tell an adult who can help. That may be your pastor, your minister of youth, or perhaps your school counselor. Someone who will know what to do from there. Many school teachers in high schools know how to help. When you tell someone about your concern, though, ask him if he knows what to do. If he doesn't, tell someone else until you find someone who knows how to help. You will need to tell them what you know, what warning signals you have seen and heard.

John: Sarah was really upset the other day because one of her girlfriends told Sarah that she no longer wanted to live. But she told Sarah not to tell anyone. She told Sarah that she would hate her if she told. I told Sarah to tell a counselor anyway, and she did. What do you think she should have done?

Jan: I believe she did the wise thing, John. Better to have an angry or even an ex-friend than a dead friend. How horrible it would have been to have a friend die and to have kept a secret like that.

John: Should we take our friend's suicidal talk seriously if we think he is just wanting attention?

Jan: By all means, yes. Any suicidal talk should be taken seriously. One reason for that is that there are frequently people who end up dead who probably didn't really mean to die. No one found them in time and they died. I'm aware of how tiresome it can get to have a friend who continuously talks that "nobody-loves-me" talk. Even when you care about him a lot, you start wanting to withdraw or say something unkind or extremely confrontive, right?

John: Right. Maybe we have tried to listen and help for a long time. What can we do?

Jan: I believe that there is a time to be confrontive, in a caring, honest way. Tell your friend again that you care about her and that you want to stay her friend. Then say something like, "I know you have been feeling really unhappy and bad about yourself. I want you to know I can't help you. I don't know how. I want you to talk to someone who can help, like a counselor or an adult at church. Will you do that?"

John: What I think my friend would say is, "Nobody can help; it doesn't matter anyway. I won't bother you anymore if that is what you want."

Jan: And you end up feeling stuck or guilty, right?

John: Right.

Jan: Try to break the habitual patterns of the way the two of you talk. Ask her some questions about herself which would be an invitation to talk about why she is really hurting like she is. For example, you might say something like, "I want you to know that I hear how unhappy you are, and I care about you. Talk to me about what is going on with you at home." Or you might say, "What's it like for you at home?"

Another way to break those old patterns is to pursue what she says, kind of like a hound dog. When she says "Nobody cares about me," ask questions like, "Who doesn't care about you?" or "Who do you want to care about you?" or "How would you know that person cares about you?"

My other suggestion is something I learned early in my training to become a counselor. That is, I am not doing anyone a favor when I take responsibility for him, like for his happiness or good feelings about himself. He has got to do that on his own, maybe with some help.

Your friend is choosing to live life in a sad, victim "I don't matter" state of mind. I'm sure there is a reason for that, probably some kind of abuse. But her unwillingness to talk to a counselor may be a choice to stay miserable. I think it would be appropriate to tell her that, still reminding her that you care about her and that you feel sad and troubled to see her make that choice.

We have in the Bible an incident where Jesus confronted a person who might have been stuck like this--feeling helpless and unloved, but somehow refusing to receive the love that was available. This was a crippled man beside the pool of Bethesda. Many people came to the pool to be healed by getting into the water when it was troubled or moving, perhaps like a whirlpool. But when Jesus came by, this man was crying out saying, "No one will put me into the pool."

Jesus' response to him was to look straight into the man's eyes and ask, "Do you want to be healed?"

Sometimes, people get caught up in their pain and just habitually complain rather than look for a way to feel better. I have seen that over and over again in my own growth and with persons who have come to me for counseling. To give up the familiar pain which a person has had for years is like giving up part of his identity. Change means losing something familiar. So change, even change for the better, is sometimes tough. Patience and encouragement help, but a confrontation in love may be appropriate, too.

John: What if a friend has tried to commit suicide before?

Jan: If that friend is saying something that sounds the least bit suicidal, then you need to be alarmed and tell an adult who can help. Experts on teenage suicide say that a prior attempt raises the likelihood that a person would try again, and perhaps succeed.

John: Jan, there must be some particular warning signs that are more serious than others. I have known one friend who was immediately hospitalized when he became suicidal. I never really knew why he was considered so serious. Can you tell us?

Jan: Lethality. It's a big word. It is a term of measurement which is used to determine how close a person is to taking action toward killing himself. Here are some of the factors which increase suicidal lethality. As we have already said, a previous attempt increases lethality. Persons who have already thought through how they would take their life have a plan. And having a plan increases lethality. When a person has a plan and the means to follow through with the plan, that also increases lethality.

An example would be if the plan is to take an overdose of sleeping pills and the person has the pills on hand. When a person with a plan and the means is unwilling or unable to say, "I won't kill myself," he most likely needs to be hospitalized, probably immediately.

There are also some lethality measures which are based more on what is going on in the teenager's life. Three big lethality factors are when teenagers are feeling a lot of hopelessness, when they have very few friends, and when they have experienced some kind of loss, like a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Teenagers who are inclined to be impulsive and act without thinking are more lethal than those who are less impulsive.

As suicidologists have studied the lives of teenagers during the last hours or days before they died, they have found two actions. The teenagers were appearing to put their affairs in order, giving away favorite possessions and throwing other things away which they have kept for years. The other change in behavior was that they were cheerful after a long period of depression. What the experts decided was that they had made the decision to die; therefore, they felt a sense of relief.

John: What can we do to help when we are with someone who is really lethal?

Jan: First, don't leave your friend alone. Stay with him until his parents come, or until you can get someone else to stay. If possible, remove the means. Get rid of the pills, the gun, or whatever he planned to use. Second, get him to talk if you can. Don't try to belittle him or dispute the reasons that he is upset. Try to get him to think of ways to solve his distress, like "Do you believe that you will still feel like you do now after a week has passed? What about in two weeks?"

Third, be careful not to argue to try to get him to feel differently. Fourth, stay calm. Don't let yourself show frustration or anger with your friend. Fifth, keep reminding him that you care and that you want him to stay alive.

Sixth, don't try to debate with your friend on the moral aspects of suicide, that it's wrong or unforgivable. At this point, that won't accomplish anything positive.

John, the most important thing you can do is to stay with him. Don't leave until someone else is there. He may not be talking or responding to talking, but the fact that you are there will mean a lot to him when he feels better.

John: The thing that I hope never happens is to try to help a friend who is suicidal, but he chooses to die anyway. I'd be devastated and probably feel guilty, like there was something I could have or should have done.

Jan: I know. I have thought of that many, many times myself. Again, something I learned in counselor training is that I can't keep someone alive who is determined to die. Every person has to make that choice for himself.

I believe that Jesus modeled this when the rich young man came to Him saying, "What must I do to inherit eternal life?" This young man was a very good person, I think. He said he had kept the commandments consistently from his youth. But Jesus in His discernment saw that something was not right with the young man's heart. So He told the man to sell all of his worldly goods and give the money to the poor.

The saddened young man went away because he wasn't willing to do that. And Jesus was sad, too, because He really cared about that young man. Jesus knew that the man had to make the choice for himself.

The issue with the young man in the Bible was spiritual life or death, but the story can serve as an example for us concerning how we have to allow each person the choice to live or to die.

John: I understand, but it would still hurt.

Jan: The tremendous hurt and guilt are always there when someone commits suicide. Often, there is a lot of anger, too. Some towns have support groups for persons who have lost someone to suicide. These feelings are extremely painful and complicated because of the anger and other issues--like feeling deserted or abandoned or personally punished somehow.

If someone you know commits suicide, support from a group or from some person who is willing to listen, and listen, and listen is extremely important. Many towns have a 24-hour crisis line. There are listeners who are trained to help persons who are suicidal or feeling extremely depressed. This can be an excellent source of help for your friend who is thinking about committing suicide.

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The 24-Hour Counselor © 1999, Broadman and Holman Publishers.
All rights reserved. Compiled by Richard Ross.