24 Hour Counselor: I Was Raped on a Date

Jodi Rowatt: You are reading Laura's description of a terrifying experience. Perhaps you or a friend of yours has been raped on a date. In either case, I think we can help you understand what happened and what you can do about it.

Wade Rowatt: Jodi and I are Christian counselors, and especially enjoy working with teenagers. We invite you to listen for awhile as we continue to talk with Laura.

Jodi: Laura, I know this is difficult for you.

Laura: No. That's OK. I told a friend of mine and she said I could talk with you.

Wade: That's right. You've told your friend about the rape. Have you told anyone else?

Laura: No. I just can't. I just can't tell my parents. They didn't want me hanging around him in the first place.

Jodi: Even if they had, things like this can happen.

Laura: What will I do? Do I need help?

Wade: Well, Laura, we need to talk about several kinds of help. You are going to need some medical help, perhaps some legal help, and some spiritual matters will need to be discussed, too.

Laura: Medical? Why?

Jodi: There are several dangers. One is that you could have been physically damaged internally. The second concern, of course, is pregnancy. Perhaps even disease.

Laura: Really? Just from one time?

Jodi: Yes, I'm afraid so. You need to talk with your parents or a counselor at school about helping you find a clinic or a doctor.

Laura: Parents? Do I have to tell my parents about this?

Wade: No, Laura, you don't have to tell your parents. But if you do it will be a lot better for you in the long run. They need to be able to understand you and to know what's going on with you so they can support you better. Of course, ultimately that decision has to be up to you.

Laura: What if he does it again? I mean, what if he won't leave me alone?

Wade: Laura, it's natural to be concerned about your physical safety after something like this. Of course he could come back, but you can press charges.

Laura: I don't want him to go to jail. I just want him to leave me alone.

Wade: Well, you may have to take legal action just to get him to leave you alone, whether or not he goes to jail. He's in serious trouble, and he needs to be stopped before he hurts you or before he does something like this to someone else. You really do need to consider legal help.

Laura: That means telling other people or maybe even testifying in court. I just couldn't do that.

Wade: Just remember, you need to protect yourself so that he won't do something like this again. And we do need to notify someone that he is this kind of person. Contacting legal authorities will put them on alert. I really feel strongly that you need to let other people know.

Laura: I just can't tell anyone else. I feel so ashamed.

Jodi: That's normal after an experience like yours. But remember, this was something that was done to you. You were a victim in this sexual abuse; don't blame yourself.

Laura: But I went with him. I mean, I was dumb.

Jodi: But going on a date with someone is not the same as asking them to rape you. You didn't ask for it.

Laura: I know, but now I'm so used and dirty, no one will ever want to date me.

Wade: You are not used and dirty. Those are common feelings for a victim. Some victims even try to shower themselves over and over again and feel like they can't get clean. You are not the dirty one here. He has done something terrible to you, but you are OK.

Laura: I really didn't do anything myself.

Jodi: OK, then don't blame yourself.

Laura: Then who do I blame? It's his fault. It's just men's fault. All men.

Wade: Laura, you are pretty angry right now.

Laura: I am. Men are doing this to women all the time.

Wade: Well, your anger is understandable, but being angry at all men and never going out with anybody again won't change things. I know your feelings are very tender, but you need to avoid the extremes. Sooner or later you're going to have to get back to the normal flow of life again.

Laura: Life will never be normal again.

Jodi: Laura, with counseling you can work through this and life can be normal again. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but you can go on about school, being with your family and your friends, and even dating again.

Laura: It just doesn't seem possible now. But I guess if you say so.

Jodi: There are facilities in most communities at a crisis center or a rape relief center or hospital. You need to talk to someone and we'll get you some help.

Laura: OK, but we have to do something to keep this from happening to other people.

Wade: Yes, I agree. Let's talk about some of the things we can do. There are alternatives. We need to report this and to take some legal action. Also, someone in your family can confront this young man and his family. In Matthew 18:15 the Bible says, " 'If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private' " (HCSB).¹

Laura: But what if people don't believe me? What if they say I just asked him to?

Wade: Well, perhaps some people won't believe you, but I believe you. Your friends will believe you, your family will believe you. And he knows what's true.

Laura: I just don't know. I don't know if I can ever stand to see him again.

Jodi: You'll have to see him at school. Perhaps you'll see him out in the community. This needs to be faced and worked through. And if he is going to be prosecuted you'll see him in court.

Laura: I'm not going to court. I'm just not.

Jodi: That's your decision, but it still needs to be made public so others will know how dangerous he can be.

Laura: I don't think I'll ever trust boys again.

Wade: You mentioned that earlier, and Jodi is right. Sooner or later you'll be back in the community and back in school, and at some level you'll have to trust people in order to survive. I can see that trusting guys would be difficult, but remember that not all guys are like that.

Laura: But how will I start trusting?

Wade: It definitely will have to be a gradual process. You are trusting us a bit just as you tell us this, and you'll find that trust in your family probably will be the easiest. Soon you'll begin to talk to guys as friends and maybe you'll want to go out with groups of friends. It may be some time before you get involved in dating a guy alone again. That's understandable. But it would be important to discuss your feelings toward guys with a counselor later on. I do hope you'll be able to talk with one.

Laura: I'm still not sure. But I guess I do need to talk with somebody. I feel so dirty, so unclean. I feel like people would just look at me and know what happened.

Wade: That's a very common fear, Laura. People won't know unless you tell them, and you only need to tell it to responsible persons. Remember, blaming yourself is not the way to resolve this. You are not to blame.

Laura: But I do feel guilty a little bit. I did kind of like him, and he was cute. I wanted to kiss him.

Jodi: You don't need to feel guilty about wanting to kiss a boy. That's normal for teenagers. You didn't want to get yourself raped did you?

Laura: No! Of course not!

Jodi: Then you are not guilty of that. Are there other things you feel guilty about?

Laura: Well, yes. You see, I lied to my parents about where I was going and who I was going with. I told them that I was going to the movies with some girlfriends. And if I tell them this guy raped me, they will really be angry.

Wade: You need to ask your parents to forgive you for lying. You need to ask God to forgive you for lying to your parents. Even though you had this error in judgment you still didn't ask to be raped. They may be angry, but they'll get through that. They may even be very hurt, but remember that they love you and they will understand.

Laura: Why did God make men rape women? Is it God's fault for the way He made men? Did God make men that way?

Wade: Not really. Although you are correct, God did create sex when He created men and women. But God said that's good. God created sex for the purpose of having children, and wanted parents to raise them in marriage. It was never God's intention for men to abuse women.

The normal attractiveness between men and women that God gave us becomes distorted with sin. Men abuse women not out of love, but out of anger or greed or selfishness. That doesn't please God, and that's not God's intention for the attraction between men and women.

Laura: Well, is sex just for having babies?

Wade: The Bible also says that when God saw Adam alone, He said that's not good, and created for Adam a companion or a helpmate. The relationship between men and women is also for companionship. And sex is a part of that special relationship between a husband and wife.

Laura: Can you tell some of my friends how to keep this from happening to them? Especially my little sister.

Wade: Well I can't personally tell everyone, but perhaps you can. And, I can tell you how to get some information that will help them. Your church or your school could provide programs to warn teenagers about date rape. Frequently the YWCA has a rape relief center in larger communities, and they have material that is available to educate women about how to protect themselves. You can get that information, and maybe even talk to someone about having a workshop or a speaker come to your church or to your school.

Jodi: Laura, before we start out with these programs, and they are good, you still need to make some very basic decisions. You have to decide where you're going to go for help. Who are you going to tell?

Laura: I know. I'm going to start with my parents.

Jodi: That's a good idea. Would you like for us to go with you?

Laura: Yes, I think so. I don't know how they're going to feel.

Jodi: Neither do we, but we'll be there with you as you face them.

Laura: Thanks.

Wade: You have listened to Laura's painful story. Now I'd like to talk to you directly for a few moments. If you have had an experience similar to Laura's, you really need to seek help from a trusted professional. I'm not certain what's available in your community. There may be a rape relief center. If so, look in the phone book and call them immediately. If not, look for a crisis center in your community.

If all else fails, call the police. Usually you can get help by calling 911 in your community. One beginning place would be to talk with your minister or your youth minister.

Jodi: If you can't talk with your minister, and you don't feel you can talk with your parents, another possibility is to talk with a teacher or counselor at school.

Wade: Find some adult that you know you can trust. But be careful. Be sure that you reach out to a person that's trustworthy. Perhaps you'll find it easier talking with a woman and that's understandable. A counselor at school may be the person you need.

Jodi: Remember that God still loves you. God is on your side. You are not dirty and you are not guilty. The crime has been committed against you. You are the victim.

Wade: There are strong biblical statements against men abusing and raping women. Leviticus and throughout the Old Testament we find references against using a woman. And remember especially the words of Jesus in Matthew 5:28 where He says, " 'But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart' " (HCSB).

There are several issues that may come up later as you or the person that you're trying to help works through this experience. There will be issues such as, What's going to happen to this guy? Will I ever be able to forgive him? Perhaps there will be issues of grief around the loss of virginity. Maybe issues about how this will affect your marriage later on.

Jodi: Whatever questions and issues come up, remember to talk to the counselor. Walk through this experience with someone as your guide. You don't have to go through this alone any longer. And neither does Laura.

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¹Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible^® Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2004 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission.

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The 24-Hour Counselor © 1999, Broadman and Holman Publishers.
All rights reserved. Compiled by Richard Ross.