Relational Parenting

Written by Dr. Ross Campbell

As parents, we all have a mental and emotional picture of what we want for our children. As we think of the many facets of their lives, we know in our hearts that we need to prepare them for life. This means reaching out to their emotions and their spirits, as well as to their minds and bodies. We must learn to raise positive, strong kids in a troubled world.

Parenting is about much more than just controlling behavior. It takes a whole different approach to parenting to help your child eventually take responsibility for her own behavior. Positive, relational parenting is based on four important foundation stones.

Foundation Stone #1: Nurturing Love

When our children were young, I wish Pat and I could have said, "We love our children all the time, regardless of anything, including their behavior." But, like all parents, we could not. And yet, we give ourselves credit for having tried to attain the wonderful goal of loving them unconditionally.

The idea of an "emotional tank" is a figurative way of describing your child's emotional needs, which should be met with your love, understanding, and kind discipline. The extent to which you keep this emotional tank filled determines the emotional state of your child --- whether he is anxious, content, joyful, angry, depressed, or happy. The level of the emotional tank also largely determines whether your child is obedient, disobedient, whiny, perky, playful, or withdrawn. Only when his emotional tank is full can your child be expected to be at his best.

To steadily develop in all areas of their lives, growing children need healthy and continuing relationships with adults who genuinely care about them and who regularly fill up their emotional tanks. Because actions speak louder than words, what makes a child feel loved is based much more on what we do than on what we say. There are three primary ways to express unconditional love to your child:

Make eye contact. Use eye contact to give love, not just to show annoyance or to punish.
Use physical contact. Many children do not receive adequate physical touching from their parents. In addition to the important hugs and kisses, try touching your child on her shoulder or the back of her arm, tousling his hair, scratching her back, or gently poking him in the ribs.
Give focused attention. Giving your child your full, undivided attention can make your child feel like the most important person in the world. You might wonder if constant focused attention will "spoil" your child. It won't! You spoil a child by failing to train her, not by loving her too much. As we pray, "God, help us meet our children's needs as You do ours," we can have confidence that He will provide. In Philippians 4:19 we read, "My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

Foundation Stone #2: Training and Discipline

Jeff and Margie were at a loss as to how to handle their son, Tommy. He yelled to get what he wanted, and they frantically complied just to get him to stop screaming. Tommy knew that his parents would do almost anything to keep him from humiliating them, so he had them at his mercy. Visitors in their home often wondered why these parents couldn't control their child. There is no school for parents, and the changes in our fast-paced culture have made parenting very confusing. Learning how to train and discipline children is a must.

Many times a child misbehaves because she is pleading, "Do you love me?" Guiding a child toward doing what is right is far superior to punishing a child for doing what is wrong. When the child feels loved and when the emotional tank is full, the child is in the best mode to receive training. You will train your child best by taking the following actions:

Meet the emotional needs of your child. Some parents believe that the cause of a child's problems is a lack of discipline, by which they mean punishment. Therefore, they withhold love and emphasize punishment. Sadly, relating to a child primarily through punishment can damage or destroy the influence of parents. Discipline and training with real effectiveness can happen only when we first meet the emotional needs of our children.
Provide positive forms of discipline. Discipline is not synonymous with punishment. Punishment is a type of discipline, but the most negative type. Effective discipline uses these positive types of communication: guidance by example, role-modeling, verbal instruction, written requests, teaching, and providing learning and play experiences.
Plan ahead. Decide in advance on appropriate consequences for various offenses, for each child.
Forgive. When your child is genuinely sorry for his bad behavior, it means that his conscience is alive and well. In these situations, think about what your Heavenly Father does when you are sincerely sorry for wrongdoing and ask His forgiveness. He forgives you, right? Shouldn't you do the same for your child? When you forgive your children when they are sincerely sorry, you teach them to forgive.

Foundation Stone #3: Protection from Harmful Influences

When my son, David, was in college, he served as a business intern for a hospital where he confronted a lack of values head-on. One day the supervisor told him to act as a consultant to a competing hospital chain, even though he was only an MBA student. He was told to spy on the competitors while he was in their corporate offices.

David was shocked and disgusted at this assignment and refused to do it. Later, David said, "Dad, I'm sadly finding that this is the way things are done out there. I hope I can keep myself from caving in to that kind of pressure in the future."

As you train your children, you are seeking to give them correct perspectives about the world and the way they fit into it. You are shaping their ideas of reality and enabling them to possess for themselves a strong and healthy value system. Wise parents are always looking out for the safety and welfare of their children. In order to protect your child from harmful influences, do these things:

Teach your children how to think. Share your own thought processes with your children. Explain why you feel and think as you do.
Share your deep feelings with your children. If they don't know about those deeply held feelings you seldom talk about, your children will be programmed to reject the feelings they do hear from you.
Help your children deal with problems before they happen. This gives them an advantage in coping with life. We must learn to let our children know of potential dangers without frightening them or producing anxiety. Look for the teachable times, such as when your child is inquisitive and asking about an issue. Some issues you will want to discuss with your child include dating and sexuality, exposure to sexual themes in the media, language and attitudes he will encounter in school, and violence in our society.

Foundation Stone #4: Training in Anger Management

The young mother halted her shopping cart and looked her 3- year-old son in the eye. Her voice was emphatic: "Put ... it ... back!" When he did not release his grip on the cereal box he was holding, the mother said louder, "Put it back!" At that moment the woman's baby dropped a glass jar of jelly she had been mouthing. When it shattered on the floor, the mother yelled, "That's it!" In a fury, she slapped the baby, grabbed the 3-year-old's cereal box and slammed it onto the nearest shelf, and rushed down the aisle. Both children were crying.

Mishandled anger is at the root of most problems in our individual lives, in our homes, and in society. Very few parents are aware that training a child to handle anger well is one of their most important responsibilities. Nor do they realize that training a child to manage anger maturely is the most difficult aspect of parenting. There are three requirements for training your children in anger management:

Model appropriate anger management in front of your child. Children learn by example.
Keep your child's emotional tank full. The most important part of training children to manage anger is your unconditional love for them. Keep in mind that a well-loved child is much easier to discipline and train than one who does not feel loved.
Encourage your child to verbalize his anger. Children express their anger in one of two ways: in actions and in words. Allowing your child to verbally express his anger keeps him from learning to suppress anger. Instead, he will be learning to handle anger in an appropriate way.
If you are trying to become a more pleasant and less angry parent, your child will know it and will deeply appreciate your effort. And you will know that you are contributing to your child's happiness and productivity for the rest of his life.

The Best Example

As we consider what we want for our children, we do well to look back to a little family in Bethlehem long years ago. The first Son of that family, Jesus, "grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men" (Luke 2:52). This is a brief statement, yet so much love and training were behind His favorable growth. Mary and Joseph are wonderful examples of the kind of parents we want to be. The 21st century may be different from first-century Palestine, yet God's resources for us are the same as for Mary and Joseph. And the goal is the same: to raise children to wisdom, maturity, and love for God and men.

Dr. Ross Campbell is the author of the best-selling books How to Really Love Your Child and Relational Parenting. Formerly an associate clinical professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at the University of Tennessee College of Medicine, he writes and lectures widely on parent-child relationships.

This article is adapted with permission from Relational Parenting (Chicago: Moody Press, 2000). All rights reserved.

This article is also courtesy of ParentLife Magazine