What's Your Parenting Style?

Written by Nell B. Mitchell

Q: Why is my parenting style important?

A: Parenting style is one of the primary determinants of your child’s outcome  whether he succeeds, achieves, meets the challenges, flounders, gives up, or runs from or fails in handling life. In Proverbs 22:6, God’s Word tells us to attend to our parenting styles: “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”

In a study conducted in 1994 by Steinberg, Samborn, Darling, Mounts, and Dornbusch and published in Child Development, they found that “good adjustment” in adolescence is overwhelmingly associated with parenting style.

Q: What are some parenting styles?

Researchers, educators, and Scripture identify at least four major parenting styles. In 1971 in the Developmental Psychology Monograph, Diana Baumrind identified three parenting styles known as the (1) Authoritarian, (2) Permissive, and (3) Authoritative parenting styles.

Later in 1990, authors and parent educators Foster Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay added a colorful, descriptive flair to parenting styles in their practical and encouraging book Parenting with Love and Logic. These parenting styles, which closely resemble Diana Baumrind’s research, include the (1) Drill Sergeant (Authoritarian), the (2) Helicopter (Permissive), and the (3) Counselor/Consultant (Authoritative) parent. Sometime later, a fourth parenting style began to appear in literature. This fourth style was called the (4) Neglectful parent.

Q: How can I know which parenting style I am using?

A: Reviewing a brief description of each is the best way to evaluate your parenting style. Circle each word that describes you and then add them up to see the parenting style in which you score highest. Each description is a pattern of attitudes, voice tones, verbal responses, behaviors, physical touch, and body language.

“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21) describes the crushing and heavy-handed nature of Drill Sergeant/Authoritarian parents. They are inflexible, lecturing, and controlling. They use harsh words and humiliation, display anger, punish (“My way or the highway”), and are sometimes cruel. They are domineering, critical, pushy, intrusive, and “in your face” (sometimes with a finger pointing). They offer no choices and give lots of “you should” commands.

God’s Word also describes them in these verses: “The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4) and “When words are many, sin is not absent” (Proverbs 10:19).

Helicopter/Permissive parents pamper, rescue, and are overprotective. They use emotional control and guilt, and they are wordy. They pursue, whine, and play the victim. They complain, make decisions for their teens, and make excuses for them.

God’s Word gives this warning: “If you rescue him, you will have to do it again” (Proverbs 19:19).

Neglectful parents are emotionally absent, physically absent, and unavailable. They are indifferent, noncommunicative, distant, self-absorbed, unengaged, unstructured, detached, and sometimes cruel.

God’s Word addresses these parents in these verses: “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8) and “If anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck” (Mark 9:42).

“And how good is a timely word” (Proverbs 15:23) describes the wisdom of the more effective parenting style, the Counselor/Consultant/Authoritative parent. These parents are supportive and empowering. They believe in their children and welcome mistakes as a opportunity to learn. They share personal stories of success and failure, offer choices, guide in exploring alternatives, and allow consequences to naturally occur. They model responsible and merciful behavior, and they believe that talking less is best.

God’s Word also describes these parents in the following Scriptures: “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers” (Proverbs 15:28); and “The tongue of the wise commends knowledge” (Proverbs 15:2).

Q: Are there any other significant differences in parenting styles?

A: Yes! Another way of considering the differences between parenting styles, which also helps clarify parental interaction with your teen, surrounds two characteristics: demandingness and responsiveness. Demandingness refers to your expectations (rules, achievements, chores, language, etc.) and responsiveness (which includes nurture, guidance, mercy, etc.). Interestingly, each parenting style handles these two characteristics differently.

The Drill Sergeant/Authoritarian parent is overly demanding and nonresponsive. The Helicopter/Permissive parent is nondemanding and overly responsive. The Neglectful parent is nondemanding and nonresponsive. The Counselor/Consultant/Authoritative parent is demanding and responsive.

It is interesting that the Counselor/ Consultant/Authoritative parent is responsive but also demanding. Does that sound familiar? Wasn’t Jesus like that? Consider these verses: “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love” (Psalm 103:8) and “Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me” (John 14:21). These verses are both responsive and demanding!

Q: What message does each parenting style send to teens?

A: I like to call the effects of different parenting styles the “power messages.” Simply put, each parenting style sends a certain message to a teen. The Drill Sergeant/Authoritarian parents sends this power message: “You can’t think for yourself. I have to think for you. You are stupid, and if left up to you, you will make bad choices and mess things up.”

The Helicopter/Permissive parent sends this message: “You are fragile and weak. You need me to think for you and take care of you. You will not be able to survive the pressures of life without my protection and help.”

The Neglectful parent sends this message: “You are not important to me. You are not worth caring about. You have your life to live, and I have mine. Try not to cause me any problems, because I really don’t care to be involved.”

The Counselor/Consultant/Authoritative sends this message: “You are a pretty neat kid. I believe you can figure out how to handle life; and even if you mess up, you are just the kind of person who will learn from your mistakes and handle things differently next time.

Q: How does parenting style apply to the single-parent home or the step-parent home?

A: Since more than 50 percent of children are now being raised in a single-parent or step-parent home, this is an important and often-asked question. Many single and step-parent families fear disastrous results in parenting their children due to their family circumstances. Surprisingly, the news is encouraging!

A study in 1995 by McFarlane, Bellissimo, and Norman and published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry and Allied Disciples was conducted with 800 tenth-grade students from homes with family structures of both parents, single parents, step-parents, or other family structures. The study found that the “configuration of the family was not the key determinant of effectiveness of family functioning. Instead, the style of the parenting turned out to be the main determinant of both the family functioning and the well–being of the adolescents.”

Q: With so many teens experimenting with mood altering substances, is there any relationship between substance use and parenting style?

A: A study of 178 students in 1996 by Weiss and Schwarz and published in Child Development reported that alcohol use is highest among 17 year–olds who have parents with Drill Sergeant/Authoritarian and Neglectful parenting styles. And, drug use is highest among 17 year-old sons of Drill Sergeant/Authoritarian parents.

Q: What about the aggressive/assaultive behavior we are seeing in children/teens today?

A: This is a tough question to answer. I would like to offer, only in part, some possible explanations. A study of 457 children by Herrenkohl, Egolf, and Herrenkohl in 1997 and published in the American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, found that “the strongest relationship was between negative interaction and assaultive behavior.” Negative interaction is described as “criticizing, impeding the child’s performance, exhibiting frustration with the child, being hostile, and being irritable.”

This description sounds most closely aligned with the characteristics of the Drill Sergeant/Authoritarian. In contrast, this study defines positive interaction as “showing warmth, facilitating the child’s behavior, exhibiting a sense of comfort with the child, lacking detachment, enjoying both the child and self, and being involved with the child.” This description sounds most closely aligned with the Counselor/Consultant/Authoritative parenting style.

The second strongest relationship is between “severity of physical discipline and assaultive behavior.” Severe physical discipline is correlated with assaultive behavior. Severe physical discipline is described as "bite child so as to bruise, hit child with stick or paddle, slap child so as to bruise, hit so as to bruise, and burn.” In addition, sexual abuse and neglect are also related to assaultive behaviors in teens, but to a lesser degree.

Nell B. Mitchel is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Victoria, Texas. She has raised three children.

This article courtesy of Living WIth Teenagers Magazine.

Related Resource

From a distinctly Christian viewpoint, How to Really Love Your Child can help parents manifest love to their young child in all situations of child-rearing – from positive eye contact and physical touch to effective discipline and spiritual nurturing. First published in 1977, this now-classic book has been translated into nearly 20 languages, including Russian. A highlight of this updated edition is a new chapter on handling a child's anger.

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