Life after Children: When the Nest Is Empty

Written by Richard E. Dodge

Growing up I often heard adults describe people who talk to themselves as  - well, in the words of one "philosopher," they’re one hush puppy short of a full barbeque plate. I can’t tell you how much better I felt when reading "How to Survive and Thrive in an Empty Nest," a fascinating book by Jeanette and Robert Lauer. They say talking to yourself can be healthy.

Using what they called "self-talk" or self-instruction is one way to prepare yourself for the emotional changes that come with empty nest. Frankly, I didn’t have to talk myself out of the empty nest. Both of our sons have come back for short periods of time. But learning to cope with emotional pains that come with the natural transition of children leaving home was not always easy.

I fully agree with James Dobson: Parenting is not for the timid. Parenting leaves scars as well as blessings. That’s normal. What parent doesn’t regret something he or she did raising children! Sometimes those regrets become full-blown crises when we are doing the empty-nest thing, and the approach of family holidays - yes, I consider Mother’s Day a family event - can bring pain as well as joy. 

Drs. Lauer, research professors in San Diego, have some very interesting thoughts about coping with some of the emotional experiences of the empty nest. With graduation coming for many kids - they’ll always be "kids" till they’re at least 70 - many of us may be struggling with thoughts of our children leaving home in a few weeks or months. Here are some coping skills to practice as you approach the challenge of separation.

Use Self-Talk - This is a process similar to what you might do if you were talking with your pastor or trusted friend. Forget the pseudo-psycho babble of trying to convince yourself that what you’re facing doesn’t hurt; it does. Accept it, and talk to yourself - out loud even - about what you are feeling. Remind yourself you may be responsible for your children, but you do not possess them. Remind yourself how you felt growing up when you approached this passage in life. You wanted freedom; so do your children. You wanted respect from your parents; so do they. Remind yourself that your children cannot grow healthy and strong emotionally and psychology if you squelch their growth. Remind yourself that you now can relate to your children as adults.

Continue Doing What You Have Been Doing - My sons and I have spent countless hours fishing and doing things outdoors. I struggled a few times just after the boys left home when I went out fishing by myself and thought about the good times we had. But I discovered I still could enjoy fishing even without them. Now they come back and fish with me as adults - and I don’t have to tie their lures onto the line! Whatever you did before the empty nest, continue doing it after the kids leave.

Consider the Benefits - You really don’t think there are benefits to the kids leaving home, right? Wrong! Consider your personal freedom. You can devote more time to what you want to do rather than following their agendas. Consider your privacy. Consider how quiet it is! Remember that things are not as tense as they were when the kids were around. Kids and tension seem to co-exist in the same body.

Focus on Your Marriage - My wife, Joy, and I have always related well as adults as well as parents. That was an established priority we agreed to when we were married. But we really focus on one another much more in a variety of ways. Every aspect of our lives has benefited some from the empty nest. Yes, we love the boys and always enjoy their visits. But we again are enjoying some of the fascination and mystery of marriage that we felt in those first few years after the wedding. We’re happier now than we have been in many years.

Focus on Others - One of the greatest assets you have now is experience. Your experiences are valid and important. They not only are a source of wisdom based on experience, they also have the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. You can see from your experience some things that parents today might want to consider. Offer to help young couples in your church with parenting issues. Help them have time to relate as adults away from the children. Yes, I’m suggesting you baby sit for some parents to give them a night out. This is extremely important for single parents. Your time can be a life and sanity saver for single parents.

Focus on God - Few of us give God the time we really want to give. Whether through more personal Bible study or short-term mission projects, we can spend more time with God each day. Time invested with Him provides only benefits, and these benefits impact every part of life.

To paraphrase the words of Paul, Rejoice, and again I say rejoice - because the kids have flown the coop.

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