Hold Me Accountable

Written by Michael Dorr

How would you react to this encounter? One of your closest friends invites you to talk over a cup of coffee. "Friend," he says, "I've been struggling with a particular sin over the past couple months and it's bringing me down. I don't think I can shake it; not on my own. Would you hold me accountable in my fight against this sin?"

If you are like the vast majority of Christians, you don't know how you'd react because it has never happened to you. Odds are, though, the very thought of this encounter makes you uncomfortable. Why? Because sin is ugly. The very moment you accept that offer, a Christian brother (or sister) not only promises a continued exposure to his sin, but also you commit to him a revelation of your own heart, knowing fully what personal ugliness lies beneath the surface. The possibility of finding people out, and being found out yourself, is unnerving.

Pushing through these emotional challenges, however, is just the first obstacle to clear in establishing and maintaining a successful accountability group. Once you make it past the prospect of being held accountable, forming and continuing an accountability relationship provides several challenges. Questions arise. "With whom should I be accountable? Should I be accountable to someone of the opposite sex? Is there an alternative to this uncomfortable accountability? What happens when my initial enthusiasm wanes?" Successfully answering these questions will help determine whether an accountability relationship is right for you.

Starting Off – Choosing Your Companions

Members of successful accountability groups say that finding the right makeup and chemistry of a group is the first priority for success.

"The most important thing," says group member Brant Bousquet, "is that there be mutual trust and safe relationships." And since mutual trust grows within the context of a safe, if not previously established, relationship; he feels that "it would be hard to enter an accountable relationship with someone you don't know well or haven't met before the group began."

The most popular type of accountability group is one-on- one. Having a single accountability partner – be it a close friend, relative, or church staff member – is the most common setting in which men and women confide in one another to share struggles, combat sin, seek encouragement, and pray.

Pastor John Bruce of Creekside Covenant Church in northern California explains why he feels smaller groups are better:

• It allows adequate time to cover everyone's Christian walk.
• It is easier for an individual to be honest with one or two other people than a larger group.
• Keeping track of peoples' lives, let alone holding them accountable, is quite difficult; larger groups make it impossible.

Mingling Accountability

Of course, the question begging to be asked is "Can men and women be in accountability groups together?"

For Bruce, the answer is an unequivocal no. "Speaking as a man, one of the greatest needs we have today is to be able to open up with other guys," adding that "the kind of intimacy between accountability partners is inappropriate between members of the opposite sex."

Also, having accountability will have different meaning and influence in the lives of men verses women. This is not to say that accountability is more important to one gender than another – just different. Where particular hot topics found in a male group might include lust, addiction to pornography, idolatry to work, or laziness, an accountability group of women might focus on eating disorders, hasty intimacy in relationships, gossip, comparison, or jealousy.

Members from one singles fellowship mentioned that they have downplayed the role accountability has in their small groups for the very reason that the small groups contained mixed company. Instead, they simply prayed that accountability would be an outgrowth of the deep relationships they hoped to form within those small groups. They cite that the dynamics of a singles group, given the interplay among the male and female members, are difficult enough without focusing on the unique struggles of the opposite sex.

Additionally, several authors of recent books on dating and marriage have trumpeted the value of accountability to strengthen developing and established romances. Joshua Harris, in his book Boy Meets Girl, encourages dating couples to seek accountability together with an older married couple and individually with a godly man and woman. The accountability before marriage leads to a stronger relationship for the couple. And once married, the couple assumes a degree of accountability between themselves, while still learning from their already-established accountability partners.

Is There an Alternative?

The final verse in the Book of James is often used as biblical support for the call to accountability among believers. "Remember this: whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins" (James 5:20). In many circles, accountability partners and groups are seen as a sort of pre-emptive strike against sin. They are that third voice – in harmony with your conscience and the Holy Spirit – that says at the temptation to sin, "You know this is wrong. Unless you want to top this indulgence off with a lie, there is no keeping it a secret." In providing this voice of reason, is there an alternative to an accountability group?

"Sure," says John Bruce. "Accountability is simply a strategy. There's nothing magical about it. If your accountability partner (or group) is not particularly insightful, motivated, knowledgeable, or initiating, then perhaps reading a good spiritual biography may be more beneficial." Many people interviewed for this story cited Scripture memory as useful; others, though jokingly, mentioned "What Would Jesus Do? " bracelets.

Though Christian culture may elevate spiritual reminders to the level of accountability, as one pastor said, "There is no substitute for deep relationships." What no Bible verse or bracelet can do is pursue your heart. Still, it is important not to get hung up on semantics. Just because you are not in an accountability group per se does not mean that accountability is entirely absent from your life. A rose is a rose, a spade is a spade, but apparently accountability groups are to be found within Bible studies, cell groups, dinner parties, roommates, and best friends.

One person described his accountability as this: "I have a few friends that, when we get together, we can share our struggles and weaknesses and support one another. I know that these guys care about me as a person more than they care that I'm doing everything right. The accountability does not come from having a list of questions to answer to each week and make sure that I'm doing everything right. The accountability comes in the form of a supportive friendship and knowing that this person cares about me and is praying for me, regardless of if I've had a rough week or if I'm doing great."

Countering Spiritual Fatigue

Regardless of how companions decide to travel the path of accountability together, setting out often turns out to be the easiest part. Like Christian in The Pilgrim's Progress, even groups with Hopeful and Faithful friends will encounter obstacles to impede their own progress. Everyone goes through spiritual valleys where they lack motivation and commitment.

In most instances, motivation and commitment go hand in hand. If an individual lacks the desire to be held accountable or share in others' struggles, his commitment tends to fall off accordingly.

Bousquet, while granting that every effort should be made to bolster flagging motivation, concedes that ultimately that desire comes from within. "If the members do not desire to participate," he adds, "the group will not function well."

The optimistic Bruce finds the only effective method to counter this spirit is "praying for people and then exhorting them from the Scriptures," citing Hebrews 4:12 and Psalm 19:7-8 as particularly direct, heart-changing passages.

Deceit, though, remains the strongest enemy of true accountability. Bruce's church, in what they have deemed Spiritual Growth Partnerships, uses a series of twelve questions to direct accountability time. The last of these twelve is "Have you lied to me in any of your answers? "

Truth is of the utmost importance. Trish Smith, who has mentored college women in Nashville, Tennessee, for the last several years, shares that "when there has been obvious deceit, it not only hurts the accountability, but also puts up a wall in the relationship." For those truly desiring deeper fellowship, a covenant agreement clearly states their shared intent: "I will give you grace. I will give you truth. I will give you time."

A Lasting Reward

Those three things – grace, truth, and time – are the essence of accountability. Without them, all that is left is legalism. When shame, not love, colors motivations, the group is destined to fail. A gracious, loving, and comfortable atmosphere without fear or intimidation frees a person to open up and truly confront the sin in her life.

Only in an environment of grace and forgiveness will the truth be rewarded in its sharing. Honesty brings out honesty because it shows that sin, and struggling with sin, is a common human experience. Deceit discourages because, more often than not, it paints a rosier picture of an individual's walk and promotes the lie that holiness comes from within. For someone truly struggling, however, encouragement needs to be shared from a Gospel perspective: the truth that righteousness, and the power to defeat sin, is outside ourselves, coming only from God.

Finally, the deep relationships that are essential to accountability partners or groups take time to grow. As spending time with your loved one means everything to your future with them, or spending time reading the Bible and praying deepens your relationship with God, only time invested with an accountability group will produce the harvest of righteousness so dearly sought. "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God" (Matthew 5:8). It is the lasting reward of accountability.

 

This article is courtesy of Christian Single.

Share your thoughts with other readers:  Post Comments   Rate this Article