Research has repeatedly affirmed that adolescents are most likely to develop into healthy, happy, and productive adults when they are supported by a caring family (see Benson et al. 1995).  Healthy families, identified by the presence of communication, respect, and time/involvement of parents in the lives of their teenagers, create a positive environment characterized by nurturing and mutual respect. As previously discussed, even in healthy families, adolescence is a time when most teenagers move away from parents and toward their peers for preferred social interaction.

Despite their pleas (even demands) for independence, adolescence is a time when many young people continue to need more parental attention (Pipher 1994). Teenagers pull away from their folks at the time they need them the most for guidance.  They need a parent or other responsible adult to listen and respond to them as they shape their ideas, set goals or even try out new identities. And they still need to be taught ethical behavior and the appropriate ways of handling conflict with others. Parents who offer this type of support to their adolescent children can provide powerful protection against the possibility that they may engage in at-risk behavior,  become social outcasts, or suffer from depression ( http://stills.nap.edu/html/risks_opportunities/ch2.html accessed 8/7/00).

George Barna, in his book The Future of the American Family, alerts us to the obvious. The American family has changed. The phrase Barna used was, "the Cleavers don't live here anymore" (1993). His description of living arrangements considered to be families points out the reality of family life in America. Barna's researchers asked persons if they considered various living arrangements to be a family.  As the living arrangement described grew further away from the "two parents, two kids, a white picket fence, and a dog" family constellation, the more reluctant people were to call it a family. Here is part of the chart Barna (1993, 31) presented:

• Married couple living with their children
• Married couple living with their children from a previous marriage
• A man and woman who are married but do not have any children
• An unwed, never-married mother living with her children
• A divorced father living with his children
• A man and woman who live together for a long time but are not married, raising children together
• An unwed, never-married father living with his children
• A man and a woman who live together for a long time but are not married
• A group of unrelated adults who live together and consider themselves a family
• Two lesbian women living with children that they are raising
• Two gay men living with children that they are raising
• Two lesbian women committed to each other and who are living together
• Two gay men committed to each other and who are living together

Predictably, in the 1992 survey, the percentage of Americans who considered a particular living arrangement to be a family ranged from 98 percent who affirmed the first and most "traditional" as a family to only 20 percent who agreed that the last one was a family. If you are reading these words, the chances are that you would also find difficulty calling two homosexual adults living together with a child a family. For the child, however, it is the only family he or she knows. When we as the body of Christ consider ministry to adolescents from nontraditional living arrangements, we will do well to remember that few of them chose that particular arrangement, yet it provides the only nurture they have known. Nouveau families need Jesus too.

In addition to the varied family constellations described by Barna's nouveau families, societal factors have ripped at the fabric of the North American family. Another of George Barna's books, Frog in the Kettle, was cited in Michael Anthony's work on ministry foundations:

People of the United States and Canada are experiencing a change in social attitude toward the family system. Some of these changes include: extensive revisions in divorce laws, individual rights elevated above family rights, unmarried men and women adopting children, marriage no longer being the primary goal of young people, single parent father homes, remarriages creating blended families, parents having only one child or choosing to have none at all, both parents working, and children whose parents have been divorced.  What we once considered the "traditional family" reflects only 7 percent of U.S. households (Barna cited by Judy K. TenElshof in Anthony 1992, 185).

Many of these changes have occurred within a generation of the current adolescent. In the past 30 years, the divorce rate is up (though within the past few years, the trend has been encouraging) as is the number of single parents and the proportion of families living in poverty. The national average for divorce has leveled off at about 50 percent; nearly half of all marriages ended in divorce. About a quarter of all births were to unmarried women. The net result has been that nearly 25 percent of all children live with only one parent, usually the mother, a rate double that of 1970. Overall, between 50 and 75 percent of all children today will reside in a single-parent home before age 18, spending an average of 6 years with a single parent. These changes have transformed the nature of family life, as well as the experiences of adolescents (stills.nap.edu accessed 8/7/00).

In addition, the peripheral support for children has eroded. Extended families, once located nearby, are left behind when young and mobile couples move away to start their careers. Neighborhoods have likewise become more enclaved. One parable compares the sidewalks constructed in the 50s and 60s in neighborhoods which connected houses with one another to the sidewalks of the 90s and 2000s which connect the house only with the driveway!

Divorce has added an even more challenging dimension to the problems of today's families. Children from divorced families must confront the emotional stress of a breakup—the often prolonged time preceding and subsequent to divorce proceedings—in addition to conditions associated with single parenthood. Many of these children experience elevated levels of depression and anger and declining school performance and self-esteem. Children of divorce experience a range of stresses of greater magnitude than children in two-parent households. When custodial parents remarry, children often experience another stressful transition, which appears to be especially difficult for adolescent girls. Despite these changes in the structure and composition of families, it remains the case that the family remains an extremely important influence on adolescents, and having a positive and warm relationship with parents remains one of the most important predictors of healthy, secure development during the adolescent years (http://stills.nap.edu/html/risks_opportunities/ch2.html accessed 8/7/00).

Family Life Cycle

Just as each individual progresses through a series of developmental stages over the course of a lifetime, families have a life cycle as well. As we minister to families in our churches, maybe it would be helpful to consider where an individual family is in their life cycle (Turner and Helms 1995, 523). A human begins as an embryo, and a family begins with a single person. The person grows up in a nuclear family, which shapes the way they will conduct themselves in whatever future family they become. A common listing of developmental stages in families looks something like the following. I added the definitions for clarity.

Family of origin—Each of us grows up in some sort of family. It may not be a positive situation. It could be a family composed of biological parents, adoptive parents, or even friends within a gang. Regardless of the makeup of the family, we are profoundly shaped by our experience.

Pre-family/singleness—Sometime in late adolescence, the "playing house" games take on a more serious tone as young adults realize they are nearing an age where marriage is an option if not an expectation. The relationships they have with friends of both sexes are the proving grounds for communication, problem solving, and commitments.

Dating/courtship/marriage—For some the decision is a matter of which of a number of close friends will become a spouse. For others the decision is whether to pursue marriage at all. For yet another group the question is, am I capable of the kind of commitment to stay with anybody for the rest of my life? At this stage in the emerging family, the picture will either be a traditional one of a young married couple or one of a single adult seeking intimacy in other ways. I do not mean to imply that single adults are promiscuous. Intimacy may be found in close friendships or even in working relationships.

Pre-children—The young couple may or may not be deliberate about this stage of the family life cycle. Perhaps they will choose to have children right away, perhaps any attempted birth control didn't work, and perhaps they either birthed or conceived children prior to marriage. The length of time between the altar and the delivery room can have an effect on the maturity and stability of the emerging family. Awareness of the circumstances of the pre-children family will provide many ministry opportunities.

Children in the house—I will let you use your imagination as to the needs of parents with newborns, parents with infants, parents with toddlers, parents with preschoolers, and parents with gradeschoolers. This resource is about parents with adolescents, and I hope it has been established that there are significant needs for parents with teenagers. Apply the same rationale to the identification of ministry for parents with children of any age. 

Empty nest—The impact of the children leaving home has a different effect on different parents. One speaker I heard said that it took him about 15 minutes to adjust to the reality that he and his wife were alone at home again. Another parent refuses to change anything about the room of the young adult who used to live there for fear that the post-adolescent will take that as a sign that he is no longer welcome. Further complicating this time of life is the statistic that the first months after the nest empties are ripe for the possibility of divorce. The family life cycle is altered at any stage when divorce happens, but the effect on a recently launched young adult can be devastating.

Grandchildren—Like a good library book, the best kids are the ones you can check back in when you are through with them. Not really, but the testimony is common that adults enjoy the children of their children immensely. The reward of a legacy combined with the potential of more leisure time generally contributes to a delightful time in the family life cycle.

Retirement—Assuming good health and a graceful exit from the work force, retirement is a significant milestone in the family. It goes without saying that if health issues immediately correspond with retirement, then the expectation of more leisure time is somewhat clouded. A less-than-optimum exit from the work force may also serve to lend a sense of despair in retirement years. Retirees are generally excited about ministry that shows an awareness of their life stage.

Widowhood—Admittedly, the death of a spouse can come at any time during the family life cycle. The stereotypical picture of the widow or widower is that of an older person who simply outlived their spouse by few or a lot of years. This may make a nice linear picture, but like divorce, the age of the widow may suggest appropriate ministry for the family.

Before you begin to wonder if I have left the subject of adolescent development, think with me for a moment about how the circumstances above affect an adolescent. If you recall all of the other ways they are developing (physical, cognitive, spiritual, social, emotional), the stage in the family life cycle impacts the development of the individual. In fact, at times the family life cycle may seem to trump the development of the individual because family stage almost defines the person. The cognitive, social, and emotional composition of an individual could vary greatly depending on whether he or she is an oldest child, middle child, youngest child, or only child.  Ah, siblings. . . .

Physical development is not affected greatly by the presence or absence of siblings. Social, cognitive, and emotional development may be impacted by the family constellation. The circumstances surrounding one's entry into the family are intertwined with emotional development. An adopted child conjures up images of their "real" family as soon as they understand the concept of adoption. Remember the abstract thought which accompanies adolescence. The constant speculation and usually a desire to meet birth parents is possible because of the ability to think in possibilities.

Some writers have suggested that the order in which children are born has something to do with the personality of the child, even into adulthood. They believe that the position in family shapes the personality, impacts the interactions, and at least partially determines the temperament of the child. "Every child is born into a different (unique) family" is the rationale. The family and parents are not the same; changes affect family dynamics.

Behavior is influenced by birth order. It may be important for parents to be aware of the birth order, push beyond birth order, and engage all children in interaction. For a complete discussion on birth order, see the writing of Kevin Lehman, The Birth Order Book; Alfred Adler, who is generally credited with being one of the first to suggest that birth order was significant; or Frank Sulloway, Born to Rebel. If you are curious about the discussion, here is a taste:

First Borns: Characteristics of Oldest Children

• Leadership
• Competitive
• Rule follower
• Mimic adult behavior
• First-born sons differ from first-born daughters

Middle Children: Characteristics of Middle Children

• Peacekeepers
• Nonaggressive
• Problem solver
• Compromise broker

Youngest Children: Characteristics of Last Born

• Class clown
• Free spirited
• "That's not fair"
• Wants to be center of attention

The peculiar style in which parents raise their children has been described in terms of: 

• Rules—Which rules, how are they made, and how are they enforced?
• Decision making—Is it shared with both parents and/or children?
• Conflict resolution—How are problems negotiated and solved?

Cobb (1998, 201-02) cites Diana Baumrind's research that suggested four parenting styles:

• Authoritative parents are both responsive and demanding. They are warm and nurturing, actively listen to their children's plans and dreams. They assert authority and consistently enforce standards. They value responsibility and independence.
  
  
• Authoritarian parents are demanding but less responsive than authoritative parents. They consistently enforce the rules and stress obedience, respect for authority, and traditional values. They engage in little give-and-take with children and value obedience over self-reliance.
  
  
• Indulgent parents are responsive to their children, though without the demands of the authoritarian parent. Discipline is infrequent and inconsistent, with value placed on being friends with offspring. They exercise little power over adolescents' decisions.
  
  
• Neglectful parents are neither responsive nor demanding. They are detached and uninvolved as if their teenagers are an unwanted burden. They set few limits and require little responsibility. They place value on not being inconvenienced by their children.

Obviously, the preferred style is the authoritative one. While the adolescent weighs in with opinion and input, the parent retains the veto. If we look objectively at each of the styles, we will probably agree that few parents are clearly one style or the other and that there is some of all of the styles in most parents. The true value in mentioning parenting styles is threefold.  First, we acknowledge that our default pattern is usually the one that our parents used on us. Second, we acknowledge that in a two-parent family it is possible for the husband to come from and therefore default to a different style from his wife. Third, the style is a product of variables that we can learn to change, namely communication, discipline, and conflict resolution.

Sadly, when a parent does not know how to parent, the result is usually abuse. I would go so far to say that all mismanaged parental anger is abuse. A USA Today article reported that teenagers take the biggest share of verbal abuse on the part of parents (Marilyn Elias, "Teens Take Brunt of Parents' Verbal Abuse" USA Today, 15 August 2000, 7D).  One-third of parents of adolescents admitted that they had called their teenagers "dumb or lazy or some other name like that" in the past year; the same number had sworn at their youth, and about 20 percent had threatened to kick a teenager out of the house.

Judy K. TenElshof penned an important reminder as to the role the church can play in helping families of a new century cope with the pressures of a fast-paced modern life. "Since it has been demonstrated that dysfunctional families tend to produce dysfunctional families in the next generation, it is imperative that the church ministers to families in a way that corrects their deficits" (writing in Anthony 1992, 193). She contended that four essential areas can be addressed as churches minister to families.

1. Preparation involves helping families prepare for the next developmental stage in the family life cycle. Parents of adolescents can be warned about the pitfalls that lie ahead.
   
   
2. Enrichment means that churches might provide information and even mentoring in various family life issues that spread over the life cycle. Parents of teenagers often welcome a chance to get together and discuss boundaries, curfew, and discipline.
   
   
3. Equipping ministry involves assisting each family member in carrying out his or her roles within the family. Teenagers can be affirmed as persons who contribute to both the family and the body of Christ. Men's ministry and women's ministry are often seen as means to equip husbands and wives to wholeness in their roles.
   
   
4. Remedial family ministry means the church has a plan of intervention to assist families who are struggling (Anthony 1992, 195-97).