Divorce

Divorce is one of the more complex issues of the 21st century. The influence divorce has on a particular child is based on at least six, possibly more, situations. These include: (1) the length of time since the divorce, (2) the child's level of vulnerability, (3) the socioeconomic level of the child after the divorce (and other economic stressors), (4) the family composition, (5) the parents' interaction and mental health, and finally (6) the family schedule.

Length of time since the divorce—The first 18 months after a divorce is usually a crisis time for the preschoolers and children of the family. Many of these boys and girls will go through what Kubler-Ross describes as denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. Not all preschoolers in divorce situations will go through these emotions; but many, if not most, will. During this time guilt is a predominant emotion. A lot of preschoolers blame themselves for their parents' divorce. Teachers at church and parents need to provide tremendous encouragement and support during this time. It is vitally important for the parents to tell the preschoolers that the divorce was not the preschoolers' fault. After 18 months, preschoolers of divorce are more often more adjusted to their situation.

The child's level of vulnerability—Preschoolers have different temperaments and personalities. This influences their level of vulnerability. A child's age and sex during the time of divorce also contribute to that child's vulnerability level. Boys appear to be more affected by a divorce because they are more likely to act out their behavior. However, many girls have a tendency to internalize the divorce and withdraw inwardly.

The socioeconomic level—Mothers who gain custody of their children often live in an economic decline that adds to the difficulties of raising children alone. This contributes to the amount of stressors present during the adjustment period after the divorce.

The family composition—How many children are present; where the family lives (such as with grandparents); and the neighborhood, child-care, and church environment impact a child's adjustment after the divorce. Preschoolers who receive a lot of support, possibly from their church family, can make a better adjustment than those who are isolated or have limited family support systems.

The family schedule—Schedules change dramatically after a divorce. Custody issues influence these schedules. Today children may be involved in joint custody in which their schedule changes from week to week. The single parent who is primarily responsible for the children may also have significant family scheduling issues that directly impact the preschoolers. Work schedules and child care are often major issues.

Suggestions for Helping Preschoolers Through a Divorce

Church leaders can assist in helping preschoolers through a divorce. These actions include:

1. Provide encouragement and spiritual support to all preschoolers—especially those who are going through the initial stages of a divorce.
   
   
2. Provide consistent, loving teachers whom preschoolers will know every time they go to church.
   
   
3. Be sensitive to issues of divorce related to religion. Specifically, preschoolers of divorce may have parents of different faith, not only within a Christian perspective but also between Christianity and other religions. If you are a teacher of preschoolers, pray that God will use you to show love to these families and to reach unsaved family members with the love of Jesus Christ. If you are a parent and your spouse is not a Christian, pray that God will lovingly use you to point your loved one to Christ. In some cases the child's attendance of church activities may be an issue with one of the parents.
   
   
4. Be a good listener and observer, but remember that most teachers are not trained psychologists or social workers. When issues arise related to divorce, it is sometimes necessary to seek help and guidance in working with children and families who express excessive anger or emotions during the divorce process.
   
   
5. Pray that God will help you accept all children, regardless of their family situation.
   
   
6. Finally, be sensitive on special occasions such as Mother's Day or Father's Day. Know each child's situation. Make sure you include all preschoolers on these days. Make sure no child feels ashamed or guilty because his or her family situation (such as a single-parent home) is different.