So, Why Marry?

Engagement is, historically, the climactic result of a period of dating or courtship. Indeed, today's young adults still value the institution of marriage and anticipate, some day, marrying.  However, the search for "the right person" has taken a lot of turns through the years.

Young adults choose to marry for a great variety of reasons. Knowing these reasons may better prepare us to reach out to those who are unsaved and help young believers learn new values.

First, some marry for love. Love, as defined largely by the media, is considered the number one reason to marry. This kind of love is often self-serving, i.e., "I like the way I feel when I'm with her or him." Young adults consciously or unconsciously seek out the person with whom they have "chemistry." This chemistry is understood to be love, and love results in the invitation to marry.

Second, others marry for companionship. Even the remote possibility of spending your whole life with someone in a more or less permanent and visible relationship is a positive motivation that leads many young adults to marry. Unfortunately, the motivation of companionship has given way to multiple alternate lifestyle issues. The argument goes something like this, "If we like each other's company and are willing, even anxious, to legally commit ourselves to each other, should we not have the opportunity to marry?"

Third, for some, peer pressure or the desire to conform motivates them to enter into engagement. This remains particularly true for young adults who live in the same community in which they went to high school or college, or those who still spend time with adolescent acquaintances. In other words, getting engaged is just "the thing to do." It is the obvious next step.

A fourth motivation for engagement and marriage is sex. The sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s resulted in the sexually transmitted diseases of the 80s and 90s. All of these developments have created a generation of young adults who, for reasons seldom spiritual, have preferred a "look but don't touch" approach to dating and/or courtship. Engagement represents a window in the dating relationship when the couple have committed to each other and believe that sexual explorations would now be all right.

A fifth, and final, motivation for marriage among young adults is children. Those young adults who do choose to be sexually active during late adolescence and early adulthood frequently do so without giving thought to children. Many who do become pregnant choose the completely legal alternative of abortion. However, of those who choose to give birth, the majority marry. Unfortunately, most of these marriages do not survive.

An understanding of the motives behind the decision to marry will better equip us to assist young adults through the turbulent waters of the early years of marriage.

Here's a Thought: Interview the young adults members of your class who currently are considering marriage, and ask them why. Then interview some young adults who are unchurched who are considering marriage and ask them why. Compare the two responses!

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Adapted by Dr. Randy Millwood from Contemporary Adulthood 5th ed. written by Jeffrey S. Turner and Donald B. Helms (San Diego: Harcourt Trade Publishers, 1994). Dr. Millwood, associate professor, New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary, at the time he wrote these articles. He is now a consultant specialist for the Baptist Convention of Maryland/Delaware and director of the Church Health Center, Maryland/Delaware.