As mentioned earlier, American society is facing an emerging majority of persons in the late forties and early fifties. David Karp, in The Gerontologist, conducted a study to discover the commonalties of women and men aged 50 to 60 years. He found that the fifties were a time in which the "pace of aging messages greatly increases and picks up momentum. . . .The fifties is a kind of fulcrum decade, a turning point in the aging process, during which people, more sharply than before, are made to feel their age. As the fifties progress, it becomes harder to avoid the recognition of really growing older. Particular events occur, such as the deaths of parents and friends, being in the middle of three generations, being the oldest at work, and becoming grandparents, which make aging a prominent part of self-consciousness in the fifties. For this reason, the fifties can be characterized as a decade of reminders."

AdultApplication: Read that paragraph again. List your church members who are in their fifties and indicate circumstances which are similar to this description.

The Empty Nest

The growing number of middle-age persons, that is, persons between age 40 and 60 has issued a new set of issues, problems, and benefits. One issue many middle adults face is the prospect and process of the "empty nest," when the children leave home. Does this happen to all families? How does children's leaving the home affect the middle-age marriage? How can the Christian couple improve their marital relationship in the years ahead?

People are living longer and can look forward to many more years after their children leave home. In the early part of the last century, women were expected to live into their forties and fifties. Now many women can look forward to living well into their 80s. Even the term middle age is a modern phenomenon. Children leave behind parents who are functional and vital.

The term empty nest syndrome refers to the time of adjustment for parents when their children leave home, especially when their last child leaves home. It is typically associated with stress, grief, anxiety, identity crisis, and heartache. This is especially true for mothers because they are the emotional caretakers of the household. For some this is a major crisis. All of a sudden her role has changed. One woman said, "When our last daughter leaves for college on Thursday, I don't know what I will do. I know it's best for her, but I will miss her desperately around the house. I almost feel my life is over."

What about the term empty nest? Some would suggest that the term should be discarded. It means to them that women are chickens or birds, or worse, old hens. This is blatant sexism or ageism. Another term is post-parental, a term indicating that the role of parenting loses its importance and is a more accurate indicator of the second half of life. An alternative term is mother emeritus, a term that maintains the honor motherhood deserves but indicates that some of the parenthood tasks have ended.

The question arises, does the empty next exist? Some have argued that it doesn't. Most women do not get depressed after the children leave home but when they don't leave home. This is called the unemptied nest. Or, more humorously, the middle-age crisis! Another term is the boomerang children, those young adults who, having left, return home to live.

On the other hand women report that raising teenagers is certainly stressful, and after the children leave home, they experience an increased sense of well-being, freedom, privacy, and relief from parenting responsibilities. This may be related to the changing role of women in society. Many women shift to a career mindset. Women of ethnic minority cultures have strong ties with their extended families, which give them support. Any negative effects of this period of middle age may be due to the general effects of aging or an unsatisfying marital relationship, not because the children have left the home. One way couples have overcome any negatives of the empty nest is through beginning or intensifying their intimacy after the children leave home.

Rediscovering Intimacy in the Middle Years

The institution of marriage is becoming one of the most volatile and temporary institutions of today's society. God created marriage to meet the needs of women and men, yet in many marriages just the opposite is happening. What was created to bring pleasure and fulfillment is often the primary cause of strife and heartache. One of the most intense longings of the human heart is to love and be loved. And the security of marriage offers Christian couples one of the ultimate pleasures of life and heals loneliness as nothing else can.

The word intimate comes from a Latin word meaning "inmost." It is associated as closeness and rapport with another, as mutuality and compatibility. According to these descriptions, single persons can enjoy intimacy as well. In fact, unless a single person can become intimate with another person before marriage, he or she is not ready for marriage. Unfortunately most people equate intimacy with a sexual experience. Intimacy is the only proper foundation for expressing sexuality in marriage for the Christian married couple. Without intimacy sex becomes only marital recreation, devoid of love.

God intends for His creation to have intimacy with others. He created people to be close to one another. "The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" (Gen. 2:18). This passage teaches us that Adam's closeness to God did not erase his need for human companionship. God does not replace human companionship. He creates us to have a relationship with Him. He also creates men and women to have an intimate relationship with one another. This intimate relationship will help Christian couples ward off loneliness. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). "Without intimacy, a person feels isolated and unattached. This loneliness can be one of the most harrowing states of mind an individual can experience. It is like living in a shell" (Charles M. Sell, Intimacy, Multnomah Press, 1983).

Intimacy is not optional in marriage. Instead it is a necessary ingredient to keep the union healthy. Intimacy does not just involve the physical part of marriage, which is the first thing that occurs to many people when it is discussed. When a person, married or single, enters into intimacy, he or she walks into another's life—emotionally, socially, physically, and intellectually. "Shared privacy" is another definition.

AdultApplication: What difficulties do couples face when they decide to discuss the quality of their marriage?

As strange as it may seem, the answer to better intimacy in the middle years is not for a couple to plan to be more intimate. The answer lies in a couple's dealing forthrightly with anger. David Mace suggests that responsible understanding of anger is the first step in creating intimate relationships, both inside and outside of marriage.

The enemy of couple intimacy is not apathy but anger. We have two choices when we are angry with our spouse: ventilation or repression. Both seem like legitimate responses to deal with danger. Couples who use ventilation may strike their spouse or child or spew out profanity. Ugly newspaper headlines every day show evidence of couples who fight each other to ventilate anger. More subtle, though, are couples who repress their anger. These men and women know that ventilation of anger is wrong, but instead of dealing responsibly with their anger, they hide or repress it.

Another approach is denial. People in denial about their anger rationalize that they can dispose of their anger much like taking out the garbage, and so they ignore it. What happens when two persons who ostensibly love each other do not opt for fighting but instead repress their anger? What happens when anger between couples is "bottled up"? Does it go away? No. When anger is continuously repressed, it turns into a low, simmering boil. It never goes away. We call this resentment. It may lead to psychosomatic illnesses. Of course, when one or both marriage partners repress their anger, they are driven away from each other, sometimes emotionally, sometimes physically. They lose the tenderness that strengthens marriage. The inner core of trust begins to disappear even though the couple maintains the appearance of affection and happiness. What are couples to do? Couples in this dilemma feel that repression is the only sensible alternative to a pitched battle. There is a solution.

Christian couples can move out from this quandary by first admitting their anger to each other. Just as a person may say, "I am hungry," or, "I feel tired," he or she can communicate, "I feel angry." Once this act honestly opens up communication, the second step is to pledge not to attack the other person. Too much is at stake to resort to physical violence. The third step in dealing with anger is for each of the partners to take responsibility for dealing with it. Husbands and wives realize that their marriage is more important than this incident of anger. When people become angry, their feelings are hurt, and their self-esteem is threatened. Focusing on the causes, rather than the anger itself, is the way couples can resolve their anger and regain intimacy.  When a marriage ends in divorce or a family breaks down, the failure always takes place from the inside. The generally supposed causes of marital trouble—difficulties with sex, money, in-laws, and child raising—are not the real causes. These are only the arenas in which the inner failure of the relationship is outwardly demonstrated. The inner failure of a close relationship always takes place for the same reason—because the persons involved have been unable to achieve mutual love and intimacy. The failure to achieve love and intimacy is almost always due to the inability of the persons concerned to deal creatively with anger.

AdultApplication: How can Bible study and discipleship groups be such a refuge for adults needing shared privacy?

How do married couples find intimacy? It is a private relationship all the defenses are removed. Spouses make themselves vulnerable with each other. No married couple really knows what marriage at its best can mean until they have done that with each other.

Physical intimacy is God's wedding present to a married couple. As a gift it is to be used with care and caution. A sexual union has everything to do with the relationship behind the act and little to do with physical skills. Several years ago I noticed the title of a book that aptly describes this intimate union: Thank God for Sex! While sex is easy, building a marriage with the ingredients of love, trust, tenderness, and unselfishness takes hard work and patience. Husbands and wives should not confine their expression of intimacy to a sexual union alone. They have a lifetime to experience many ways of expressing intimacy. Sexual intimacy is just one way.

Most couples would admit that their deepest expectation for marriage is not just love but intimacy. In the midst of a busy, uncaring, competitive world, everyone needs to have a chance to be deeply loved and fully known.

Ideas for Supporting Families in the Middle Years

How can churches and the Christian faith help parents face these critical years of post-parenthood?

Most church youth programs recognize high school seniors in May. But few focus on ministry to their parents who now face years without children at home. Have a seminar in the afternoon or evening just for the parents of these graduating seniors. Some topics you may explore are: improving your marriage, adjusting to the adult status of your children, creative financing for college costs, developing an adult faith, and finding fulfillment in ministry and missions. Allow ample time for participants to ask questions and share solutions. For further suggestions, use the resource Transitions: Preparing for College by Art Herron (Nashville: LifeWay Church Resources).

In preparing for Bible study, look for incidents in the middle years of biblical personalities. Most of the persons mentioned in the Bible are adults, many in their middle years. Develop specific programs to meet the distinctive needs of these prime timers. As needed, form support groups for grandparents raising grandchildren, aging parents, and other groups. Promote mission activities for these persons, which may include building a house for Habit for Humanity, lay renewal, or short-term overseas mission assignments.

AdultApplication: Look through popular magazines for advertisements that focus on interests of middle-age persons. Some examples are prescription drugs, house furnishings, makeup, and products to enhance beauty for men and women. List the life qualities these products promise.

Do men and women look at the middle years differently? If so, how?